The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.


Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.