Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.


Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.

11 people that love me told me so:

B MoM said...

Beautiful pictures of both Baby B and Baby A. =) I'm glad you'll be able to have these pictures to cherish the memories.

I know its tough to have no control, but you do have control over your attitude and outlook. Faith and positivity..that's what you can control. C'mon Baby B grow!

Nic said...

I am so sorry about baby A. Great that you have the pictures forever. Really hoping that everything remains fine with baby B

Marni's Organized Mess said...

That is so nice to have that picture. Hugs.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm very glad you were able to have a friend there for you. That's very special. As are the pictures of your babies. I'm so sorry, hon. I truly am. I've been thinking about you and praying for you.
*HUGS*

runamokamok said...

As hard as it is to lose one child, the one you will hold eventually might just help with the grieving. I'm so very excited for you!
*ICLW*

looking4#3 said...

Oh my heart is broken for you. I am so so sorry about "BabyCakes"!!! I am sure your babies will continue to thrive and live in your heart forever!!! (((HUGS)))

In Due Time said...

((Hugs)) Hang in there girlie. xoxo

Cara said...

Losing a baby is always a devestating experience. I can't imagine your emotion knowing that you have another who shared her space.

Thinking of you as you move forward.

Shinejil said...

It's hard to know how to feel, and very easy to be scared. Now, your mileage may vary, but it got a lot easier for me with each passing week. Naturally, little blips of anxiety and freak outs do happen for me, but once you start to feel Squishy boogying around in there, you'll feel much better, I hope!

calliope said...

here from LFCA with so so much sadness for your loss. So very sorry.

S said...

I'm so sorry that Baby A didn't make it. I'm really glad that you have that picture of him/her for that memory, to make him/her more tangible and remember that Baby A was indeed growing to a point...and loved by you both.

In 2007, we too had a twin pregnancy. I miscarried one twin at 6 weeks and at my 8 week ultrasound the other twin, my daughter (who also for unknown reasons died from IUFD at 21 weeks) was alive and perfect. I remember feeling such relief that at least one of them made it, then guilt at thinking that way. I do have 2 photos of the little twin - a very clear little fetal pole but no heartbeat. They called it "vanishing twin".

Hoping that Baby B keeps growing beautifully and comes home healthy, alive and kicking!

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