No Hope

I just feel like I have no hope. I'm not really sad or mad or happy or anything really. But I just don't feel like I will see a heartbeat on B on Tuesday at all, and it's annoying when my husband gets mad at me for saying it. I can't help it. It's not like I WANT my babies to all die and be a owner of a crappy uterus, but that's just the way I feel. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. My mom says to ask God to bless me. I did. I did the first time, and I did this time. 2 dead babies have resulted. Not saying He did it on purpose, but what's the point? He knows what I want and He'll do what He wants no matter what I say.

God's Time

This is kinda part two of yesterday's post. This is something I hear from people all the time too.

"May be it's not God's time for you yet."

Or something along the line that God doesn't want me to be a mom yet. They always say it's not His plan. Well you know what, I want it to be His plan.

This is always a tricky one. I want to say something smart-ass and witty without sounding sacrilegious.

And I don't really get the phrase anyways. Should we all just sit around? I mean, some of us would never get pregnant. Some woman can't get pregnant without IVF, IUI, drugs, etc. Does God not want us to have kids? And if He didn't want us to be moms then why are there success stories?

I guess this is one of those posts where I am talking about being a Christian but I am questioning my God and faith. It's not like I'm questioning who my God is, I'm just questioning "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

I think I would be a great mom and I have always been amazing with kids and babies. I don't think God would have given me that gift and this want for children (since I was a child myself) if He didn't want me to be a mommy. It just wouldn't make sense. Unless it's some sick joke, and I refuse to believe that that's the case.

But sometimes I think about it and I really think that this isn't my time. I mean what else is the problem? It's not from lack of trying, that's for sure. I just need to sit back and pray and hope for my miracle.

Update: Just saw my ticker and it says I've been TTC for 17 months. 17 months today. I know for some that doesn't sound like a long time, but for me it sounds soooo long. I hope this happens for me soon. Looking at the bills rolling in, I don't know how far I can go right now.

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Christopher and I got our Bentley Bracelets yesterday! I'm very excited and can't WAIT for someone to ask me what it is for. (We're looking a little rough, it's like 11pm after Dragonboat Race practice and we were exhausted! LOL)

Here's a picture of Bentley with her bracelets!!!

Dreams, Shopping, Vacation, & Faith, OH MY!

I had even more dreams last night! SO VIVID! Not pregnancy related though, but oh well. Vivid dreams were a PG symptom for me, so hopefully that is a good sign!! I am really getting my hopes up this month, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think if AF comes I will just have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Won't be the first time.

I went shopping today. SHHH. I really don't have the money to do that, but whatever. I got another Emily Giffin book, Baby Proof, and a Jane Green book, Second Chance. I am excited about reading The Jane Green one. IDK how I feel about the baby one yet... Sometimes reading about stuff like that makes me sad, sick, and blue. I might read the Jane Green one first....

When thinking about reading this baby book, I started thinking about my EDD. It is November 30th. If I'm not pg again by then, I think I will just be sitting in a deep whole of despair. SOO I decided that Christopher and I should go on a trip. I won't feel up to working, going out with friends, and if I go out I will just drink myself in to the hospital, so I think a relaxing couple of days with my husband somewhere other than here would be the best.

QUESTION: For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"? I hope that it will at least take my mind off of it... I don't know though! Some opinions would be great :) Thanks!

BTW A friend of mine (Ellen who writes My So Called Life, link on the right) works in the NICU and said a woman just had a healthy baby girl after 10 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths, a baby born at 23weeks that lived 3 days and a baby born at 24 weeks that lived one month. Could you imagine? I don't think I would have been able to get past a couple of miscarriages. It's amazing the strength that God can give us when we need it the most!

I had a talk with God the other day. I have been having an issue since my miscarriage. 2 days before my miscarriage my hormones took over and I was bawling my eyes out screaming "God PLEASE take care of my baby, don't let anything happen to my baby, keep my baby safe." I was absolutely distraught. People probably thought someone had died if they had seen me in my car. Well someone did, I just didn't know it yet... Anyways, since then I have had a hard time asking God for anything. My mother in law and I flew to Missouri in July and I wanted to ask God soooo bad to keep us safe, but I was so scared that if I did, that the exact opposite would happen. I have had a couple of other moments that I wanted to ask for something along those lines, but stopped because I was way to scared that it would jinx me. I hate feeling this way, so I asked God to please just put me at peace with that, and let me be able to trust myself to talk to Him again. I haven't felt as "lost" since that day.

I need help with a lot of things. I graduated from xray school in May and I need to take my registry exam but I am so scared. I have been to scared to do ANYTHING since my miscarriage. I am so afraid that I will fail. I am too scared of disappointment I guess? I don't know how to fix that at all. What do I pray for?

My Introduction

Well here I am. Totally in awe of the amazingly huge world of infertile bloggers.

I'm Katie. I'm not infertile (that I know of) but I have been through a loss and now frustrating cycles while TTC again.

In December 07 or so I stopped taking BCPs because I was tired of them. My migraines and heart arrhythmias stopped. In February my husband and I decided to start not preventing getting pregnant.

There it was. A huge decision. Our lives would forever be changed.

One week later I realized I had missed my period. And 1 light line, 1 BFN, 2 BFPs and 3 days later, I was the happiest, and so I thought most fertile, woman in the entire world.

I had a glow. I was so incredibly happy. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I had MY BABY inside of me and I was going to love that thing more than anybody cold imagine. Heck, I already DID!

I had names picked out, had heartburn, nausea, and a plan for the nursery. I was on cloud nine with a bottle of TUMS. All in the matter of 4 days my life took this major huge change. Little did I know, that I was right. My life would never be the same again.

Saturday I woke up feeling kinda bad. I wasn't happy one little bit. I went to the bathroom and BAM. Bright red blood. And from that moment I KNEW it was over. I went over to my MILs house and she called my doctor for me. They just told me to rest. It was normal. Blah blah blah. But it wasn't. I was cramping, and I knew deep down it was allll over. A couple trips to the bathroom ended in bowls full of blood and clots. I went to the ER where one of the worst parts of the whole journey took place. The doctor said I was never pregnant. My levels couldn't possibly dropped so low in such a short time. He continued to talk and talk, but I heard nothing. My ears felt like they had cotton balls in them. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. All I knew was that it was over. my baby was dead, and from what he was saying, I was crazy. The nurse told me to stop crying, nothing bad had happened, and told my husband and mother to take me to get an ice cream sundae and I would be allll better.

I was sure I had lost my mind. One second I was cussing the doctor saying he had no idea what he was talking about. I KNEW I was pregnant before I even missed my period. I had this FEELING. I KNEW when I woke up that morning that I wasn't anymore. The next second I was sure I needed to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital, that I had wanted this baby so bad that I had a hysterical pregnancy and I had lost my mind.

When i got home I threw all my pregnancy books, ripped them to shreds, kicked over my husband's golf clubs and cried and cried. Then I got on the internet and looked up miscarriages, where I learned about Chemical Pregnancies. Where the baby is fertilized, but doesn't attach all the way. therefore, making enough HCG to produce a BFP but once expelled, the hormones go right on with it, explaining my negative pregnancy tests at the ER. I called my doctor back and she confirmed my findings. I felt at ease. I knew I wasn't that crazy. But then, oh wait, my baby was dead.

How could this happen to me? I was always a good girl! Sure I drank a little in high school. Who didn't? I didn't do drugs and I didn't have sex with lots of people. I got married young at 19 to a man whom I loved and loved me back. We had a rocky first couple years, and then became the greatest couple ever. We can make it through anything. He is my absolute rock. I had a great marriage to give to a child. I had a house with a nursery for my child. I had a college degree to pay for food for my child! My child had living wonderful grandparents. This baby would have everything she ever needed. May be if I got drunk and slept with a crack dealer and smoked my whole entire pregnancy I would have had a healthy baby. I don't know. And I never will.

All I know is that God has His plan. I don't necessarily agree with them all the time, but I have to just trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing.

So here I am. 4 months later. still absolutely devastated with the loss of this baby. I feel silly. I only carried her for 5 weeks. I've seen people on BBC carry their babies 40 weeks and lose them! But I loved that baby with all my heart. I was happier those few days then I have been my entire life. I had names and plans for this baby. And all in a couple of hours my dreams, hopes, and happiness came crashing down.

4 months later. Irregular cycles. 6 day luteal phases... What's a girl to do? I went to my doctor Monday and she did some blood work and I am having an US on August 4th to check for fibroids. She offered me some progesterone, but said it can increase chances for ectopic. I figured for my sanity I would hold off on that until the results came back.

So here is my story. And here will be my journey. Hopefully it will be short, but I know it will all be bittersweet.