Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Introduction

Well here I am. Totally in awe of the amazingly huge world of infertile bloggers.

I'm Katie. I'm not infertile (that I know of) but I have been through a loss and now frustrating cycles while TTC again.

In December 07 or so I stopped taking BCPs because I was tired of them. My migraines and heart arrhythmias stopped. In February my husband and I decided to start not preventing getting pregnant.

There it was. A huge decision. Our lives would forever be changed.

One week later I realized I had missed my period. And 1 light line, 1 BFN, 2 BFPs and 3 days later, I was the happiest, and so I thought most fertile, woman in the entire world.

I had a glow. I was so incredibly happy. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I had MY BABY inside of me and I was going to love that thing more than anybody cold imagine. Heck, I already DID!

I had names picked out, had heartburn, nausea, and a plan for the nursery. I was on cloud nine with a bottle of TUMS. All in the matter of 4 days my life took this major huge change. Little did I know, that I was right. My life would never be the same again.

Saturday I woke up feeling kinda bad. I wasn't happy one little bit. I went to the bathroom and BAM. Bright red blood. And from that moment I KNEW it was over. I went over to my MILs house and she called my doctor for me. They just told me to rest. It was normal. Blah blah blah. But it wasn't. I was cramping, and I knew deep down it was allll over. A couple trips to the bathroom ended in bowls full of blood and clots. I went to the ER where one of the worst parts of the whole journey took place. The doctor said I was never pregnant. My levels couldn't possibly dropped so low in such a short time. He continued to talk and talk, but I heard nothing. My ears felt like they had cotton balls in them. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. All I knew was that it was over. my baby was dead, and from what he was saying, I was crazy. The nurse told me to stop crying, nothing bad had happened, and told my husband and mother to take me to get an ice cream sundae and I would be allll better.

I was sure I had lost my mind. One second I was cussing the doctor saying he had no idea what he was talking about. I KNEW I was pregnant before I even missed my period. I had this FEELING. I KNEW when I woke up that morning that I wasn't anymore. The next second I was sure I needed to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital, that I had wanted this baby so bad that I had a hysterical pregnancy and I had lost my mind.

When i got home I threw all my pregnancy books, ripped them to shreds, kicked over my husband's golf clubs and cried and cried. Then I got on the internet and looked up miscarriages, where I learned about Chemical Pregnancies. Where the baby is fertilized, but doesn't attach all the way. therefore, making enough HCG to produce a BFP but once expelled, the hormones go right on with it, explaining my negative pregnancy tests at the ER. I called my doctor back and she confirmed my findings. I felt at ease. I knew I wasn't that crazy. But then, oh wait, my baby was dead.

How could this happen to me? I was always a good girl! Sure I drank a little in high school. Who didn't? I didn't do drugs and I didn't have sex with lots of people. I got married young at 19 to a man whom I loved and loved me back. We had a rocky first couple years, and then became the greatest couple ever. We can make it through anything. He is my absolute rock. I had a great marriage to give to a child. I had a house with a nursery for my child. I had a college degree to pay for food for my child! My child had living wonderful grandparents. This baby would have everything she ever needed. May be if I got drunk and slept with a crack dealer and smoked my whole entire pregnancy I would have had a healthy baby. I don't know. And I never will.

All I know is that God has His plan. I don't necessarily agree with them all the time, but I have to just trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing.

So here I am. 4 months later. still absolutely devastated with the loss of this baby. I feel silly. I only carried her for 5 weeks. I've seen people on BBC carry their babies 40 weeks and lose them! But I loved that baby with all my heart. I was happier those few days then I have been my entire life. I had names and plans for this baby. And all in a couple of hours my dreams, hopes, and happiness came crashing down.

4 months later. Irregular cycles. 6 day luteal phases... What's a girl to do? I went to my doctor Monday and she did some blood work and I am having an US on August 4th to check for fibroids. She offered me some progesterone, but said it can increase chances for ectopic. I figured for my sanity I would hold off on that until the results came back.

So here is my story. And here will be my journey. Hopefully it will be short, but I know it will all be bittersweet.

6 people that love me told me so:

Amanda said...

Welcome to the blogosphere. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, and I intimately understand your pain and frustration. I hope blogging becomes an outlet for you to both work through your grief and toprocess of a new pregnancy.

Amanda said...

"...and toprocess of a new pregnancy."

Sorry about that -- someone said something to me as I typed that and it didn't come out right. I meant to say I hope blogging is a good outlet for you as you hopefully process a new pregnancy.

this one said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't believe how insensitive the nurse was when she said you needed an ice cream sundae!
You will find a great group of women who have been through pregnancy loss and are amazingly supportive. Welcome!

Katie said...

Oh, honey. This reminded me of my first loss, when the nurse told me my HCG level (26) and that I wasn't even pregnant. I was so, so confused, and angry, and sad, and confused, did I mention confused?

I am sorry for your loss and for the cycles since. I hope that you will find the support and love in this community as helpful as I have.

If you don't mind a piece of assvice, please find some way to memorialize your lost baby. It made me feel so much better to have something concrete to remind me that our angel DID exist and no ice cream was going to take away that memory. We chose to plant a garden.

Just Me. said...

Here from Loss and Found. Welcome to the blogosphere!

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, i am constantly in awe whenever i hear somebody getting pg at their first try. My heart aches whenever i hear them talk about their pregnancies.

I hope it will be a short journey for you and many hugs coming your way!


Kathy V said...

Welcome to the blog world. I conceived last February with a November 30th due date. I was on cloud nine until April 27th. Then came the blood and the cramping and all the emotional hurt. My periods were screwed up for months. I started my blog in November as a way to remember my little angel. You are not alone out there. Again, welcome to the blog world.

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