Well here I am. Totally in awe of the amazingly huge world of infertile bloggers.
I'm Katie. I'm not infertile (that I know of) but I have been through a loss and now frustrating cycles while TTC again.
In December 07 or so I stopped taking BCPs because I was tired of them. My migraines and heart arrhythmias stopped. In February my husband and I decided to start not preventing getting pregnant.
There it was. A huge decision. Our lives would forever be changed.
One week later I realized I had missed my period. And 1 light line, 1 BFN, 2 BFPs and 3 days later, I was the happiest, and so I thought most fertile, woman in the entire world.
I had a glow. I was so incredibly happy. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I had MY BABY inside of me and I was going to love that thing more than anybody cold imagine. Heck, I already DID!
I had names picked out, had heartburn, nausea, and a plan for the nursery. I was on cloud nine with a bottle of TUMS. All in the matter of 4 days my life took this major huge change. Little did I know, that I was right. My life would never be the same again.
Saturday I woke up feeling kinda bad. I wasn't happy one little bit. I went to the bathroom and BAM. Bright red blood. And from that moment I KNEW it was over. I went over to my MILs house and she called my doctor for me. They just told me to rest. It was normal. Blah blah blah. But it wasn't. I was cramping, and I knew deep down it was allll over. A couple trips to the bathroom ended in bowls full of blood and clots. I went to the ER where one of the worst parts of the whole journey took place. The doctor said I was never pregnant. My levels couldn't possibly dropped so low in such a short time. He continued to talk and talk, but I heard nothing. My ears felt like they had cotton balls in them. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. All I knew was that it was over. my baby was dead, and from what he was saying, I was crazy. The nurse told me to stop crying, nothing bad had happened, and told my husband and mother to take me to get an ice cream sundae and I would be allll better.
I was sure I had lost my mind. One second I was cussing the doctor saying he had no idea what he was talking about. I KNEW I was pregnant before I even missed my period. I had this FEELING. I KNEW when I woke up that morning that I wasn't anymore. The next second I was sure I needed to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital, that I had wanted this baby so bad that I had a hysterical pregnancy and I had lost my mind.
When i got home I threw all my pregnancy books, ripped them to shreds, kicked over my husband's golf clubs and cried and cried. Then I got on the internet and looked up miscarriages, where I learned about Chemical Pregnancies. Where the baby is fertilized, but doesn't attach all the way. therefore, making enough HCG to produce a BFP but once expelled, the hormones go right on with it, explaining my negative pregnancy tests at the ER. I called my doctor back and she confirmed my findings. I felt at ease. I knew I wasn't that crazy. But then, oh wait, my baby was dead.
How could this happen to me? I was always a good girl! Sure I drank a little in high school. Who didn't? I didn't do drugs and I didn't have sex with lots of people. I got married young at 19 to a man whom I loved and loved me back. We had a rocky first couple years, and then became the greatest couple ever. We can make it through anything. He is my absolute rock. I had a great marriage to give to a child. I had a house with a nursery for my child. I had a college degree to pay for food for my child! My child had living wonderful grandparents. This baby would have everything she ever needed. May be if I got drunk and slept with a crack dealer and smoked my whole entire pregnancy I would have had a healthy baby. I don't know. And I never will.
All I know is that God has His plan. I don't necessarily agree with them all the time, but I have to just trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing.
So here I am. 4 months later. still absolutely devastated with the loss of this baby. I feel silly. I only carried her for 5 weeks. I've seen people on BBC carry their babies 40 weeks and lose them! But I loved that baby with all my heart. I was happier those few days then I have been my entire life. I had names and plans for this baby. And all in a couple of hours my dreams, hopes, and happiness came crashing down.
4 months later. Irregular cycles. 6 day luteal phases... What's a girl to do? I went to my doctor Monday and she did some blood work and I am having an US on August 4th to check for fibroids. She offered me some progesterone, but said it can increase chances for ectopic. I figured for my sanity I would hold off on that until the results came back.
So here is my story. And here will be my journey. Hopefully it will be short, but I know it will all be bittersweet.
7 years ago