This Week!

I am so excited about this week. Once this work day ends (3:30... 4 and a half more hours...) I will be off with my husband for a whole week! His job is having a 2 week mandatory shut down before their next big project. Thankfully his job is still going, and he just has to take a week off. And somehow I got all week off! So we are going to beach it up and spend lots of fun time together!

My NT scan is Tuesday morning at 8am. I can't wait to see that little baby! I'm having a hard time bonding with this baby. When I got pregnant the first time I instantly was just absolutely infatuated with it. When I found out I was having twins this time I was just so joyful. Then after I lost one of them, I've just had a hard time getting excited! Of course I love the baby, but when people say "Are you so excited?" I really just want to say "No it's effing scary." I want this US, not to check for Downs or other things, just so I can see my baby wiggling around and hopefully start to get over my hurt and start to get happy about being pregnant.

I love my doppler. I don't use it every day, but the baby is starting to move, so I'll find her, and then she disappears! LOL. It's great to know she's wiggling around, but it's hard to get a reading on her heartbeat. It's been in the 180s, but that day I couldn't get it for longer than 5 seconds and as high as my doppler would get was 120-130. So I was freaking a little. Christopher called me in the middle of it and I was like "I HAVE TO GO! YOUR CHILD IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!" Finally I got her to about 160bmps and gave up.

Not only am I spending quality time with hubster and Bumble B this week, our 5 year wedding anniversary is on Saturday, July 4th! I think we're going to make a beach day of it, go to dinner, and back to the beach for fireworks. I am really excited! I am praying it doesn't rain and it's a beautiful day!

Thanks for all the advice on my friend! I am going to send her some books that I LOVE to keep her occupied! She is taking pictures of everything with her phone and posting them on Facebook in her "Views From Bedrest" hehe. She's in great spirits and is officially in viable stage and getting steroid shots for her little man, Eli.

Just An Update

Nothing new has really been going on. I've been MIA, I know. I've been working A LOT, so I don't have much computer time, and when I do, I'm probably more likely to be hovering over the toilet than hanging out online. Here are a few things going on in my life!

-I had an OB appointment Tuesday last week. She didn't really do anything... I don't know what I was expecting...? We talked about the NT scan and I went ahead and scheduled it.
-I've had lots of fights with "friends" who have turned on me and been absolute middle school bitches to me. I'm so frustrated and really tired of being attacked and treated like a child. I know I shouldn't care what people think about me, but I can't help it.
-Work has been busy and just as bad of a rollercoaster.
-I got a new blackberry and opened a blackberry blog, SoBerryCute. It's a work in progress and is being neglected the last few days.
-I can now find the baby whenever I use my doppler! Her heartrate is always between 170 and 180!
-I woke up with a baby belly.
-I hit 11 weeks, and 12 weeks is creeping closer. I can't wait to have that giant sigh of relief.
-I avoid all blogs of people that lose babies after the 1st trimester. I don't even want to think about it.
-I'm trying really hard to bond with this baby. It's been hard since I lost the twin, but slowly it's coming back. hopefully my US next week will kick me in butt when I see that little cutie waving at me!
-Current Pregnancy symptoms- so tired, so hot, so cranky, so sick. I can't wait for the 2nd trimester!!!!! I can't wait to be so cute, so horny ;)

The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.


Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.

New Stupid Things...

...That People Say.

Last month I wrote a blog about stupid stuff people say about infertility. Well, I'm still getting stupid comments and questions.

I am absolutely in no way ashamed of my infertility experience. I am more than happy to talk to anyone about it that has questions or is curious. However, it really isn't anyone's business, and there IS a way to approach it.

When I tell someone I am having twins, the FIRST thing they say is "oh do twins run in your family, or were you on fertility drugs?" It's absolutely obnoxious. When I see people with multiples not ONCE has that question EVER popped in my head. It's so personal and private. ONCE I wondered if someone used fertility drugs when I was first introduced to Lauren's blog about her quadruplets. I read through her blog and she did not mention it, so guess what? I forgot about it. It wasn't my business and I didn't think about it again.

I answer that I took fertility drugs, and I haven't gotten any negative answers, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people (especially men... is that weird??) ask me about it. When people just ask me if twins run in my family I just answer no. I give no extra information.

I've been reading lots of other multiple mommy blogs and this looks like something I will be dealing with forever, so I better get used to it!!

I'm really just annoyed that people these days do not respect anyone's privacy. It's utterly obnoxious.

In other news, I had the most awful migraine ever this weekend, and couldn't take anything. What pure torture that was... I also got a BellaBand yesterday! WOW the most amazing invention EVER!!!

May 19th Part Dos

2 Heartbeats!!!!!!!

I will write a full update with photos tomorrow, but I wanted to let anyone know who may have been wondering ;)

I Got What I Asked For!

Well, I got what I asked for. Nausea, feeling like crap, exhaustion... It's all here. I won't complain because I know there is worse out there, like not being pregnant, but I will just say one thing- It sucks feeling like shit 100% of the time.

Today is my FIRST OB visit! I can't wait! I also have another US before it, and hopefully will see my little Squishy and Babycakes heartbeats! I had an US on Friday that a friend did and each sac had a perfect and absolutely beautiful yolk sac. Such a pretty sight :) She said they looked PERFECT and right on track, and by today I should be able to see heart beats!

I'll update y'all on the appointment, and you can always follow me on Twitter because I am constantly updating there. Especially when I don't have the energy to get up and blog!

5w3d US from HELL

So I went to my US this morning. I had this witch of a tech. Last time I went before I started the Clomid, she bitched about "your generation" the whole time.

She scanned be for what seemed like FOREVER and finally showed me. She said "There are 2 sacs, but there aren't babies in them. They are so small my machine won't even measure them." I told her that I ovulated 5 days late, so honestly the babies really are only 4w5ds, but she didn't want to listen to anything I said. I asked her to print a picture for me and she said "Ugh well I guess, but there isn't anything there. This doesn't mean anything."

Eff you.

So I left way more freaked out than before. I called a numerous amount of my US friends and they all agreed with me that my O date makes total sense on why there aren't babies yet. One of the girls said this same exact tech said "Your babies Nuchal fold is large, she has Downs syndrome." and the baby is fine. My other friend said this same tech told her every single time she scanned her "he isn't moving. this concerns me. Something's wrong with him." He's fine. He's the baby I watch 2-3 times a week. They both told me never to listen to a word she says because she is an absolute idiot.

I sent my picture to one of the girls and she said she would call it an early twin gestation and it looked great. Something about colors... I have no clue. But they all told me to not stress, and it was fine. But of course I'm freaking, because why wouldn't I? This woman basically told me I have a twin molar pregnancy? I wish I didn't even HAVE the stupid US. It did nothing for my nerves...

Well except...:

GREAT NEWS the sacs are about the same size now, and have definitely grown, so I think that's a great thing.

Excuse my nose. IDK why it looks like the size of Mount Rushmore.



Link to a larger version :)

Please Keep Praying!

Tomorrow morning is my US at the doctor's office.

I'm so worried that I won't be seeing Baby B tomorrow. I had a hard time getting attached to this pregnancy (absolutely unconscious. I tried so hard) but as soon as it finally sunk in that those 2 US pictures were pictures of MY 2 little babies, I fell incredibly and irrevocably in love with them both.

The thought of losing one makes me sad. I've been praying really hard that I see her beautiful blobness tomorrow. So I would really appreciate it if you could pray with me.

Thanks to those who have been praying with me already. I definitely have a sense of peace and real optimism for her. Just sometimes I get worried.

I'll update tomorrow with the news, and I'm really praying it's GOOD news!!!

5 Week US!

There are 2 sacs!!!

One is significantly smaller than the other, so we are praying very very hard that our littlest girl makes it. We have another US on Monday at the Doctor's office (these were all done at work!) and by then we should know the outcome a little better for a little bitty one!

Here are some pictures. I took these with my crappy cell phone camera, so please excuse the quality. The first picture is Baby A, big and fat, and picture 2 is Baby B. She looks way smaller on these pictures, but she's just about half the size of her big sister.

Please send lots of prayers that our little runt growns big and strong!!

Lots Of Babies?

So I have been joking that I'm having twins. I told everyone I have twins in there, and I'm calling them Madeline and Addison (yes two girls).

Sunday at work I was freaking out about my progesterone and talked one of the Radiologists to order a blood progesterone test for me. Once I had the bloodwork the phlebotomist told me we wouldn't get the results until Tuesday. I was annoyed.

I went up to work today and checked my lab results and my Progesterone is

87.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A normal Progesterone for the entire 1st trimester is 16-90! And mine is 87.6?! I still don't have my betas from yesterday (GRRRRRRRRRR) but I looked it up and a high P can mean multiples!

So my US tech friend scanned me this afternoon and we couldn't really see much (except for the enormous ovarian cysts that I apparently have...) but she said "Okay, that MIGHT be one, and that MIGHT be 2!" So I am going back Friday for another scan.

I've been kind of kidding about knowing there are 2 in there, but now that it may actually be a possibility... WOW!

So if you have experience with high Progesterone and singletons or multiples, let me know! I'm way too impatient to just WAIT for Friday. It seems so far away... :)

UPDATE! My HCG is 575!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH for a high number! I'm baby baking for sure!