I Need Advice!!

My BFF is getting married Saturday. YAAY!! I'm so freaking pasty it's not even funny. I also wanted to refresh my hair color, but my Dr said no airbrush tan or hair coloring.

Is she just really conservative or was everyone told this?? Of course my baby comes first, but it's my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING!! I've been waiting on this day since 10th grade. Almost 10 years later of them being together its finally happening. And I want to look freaking fabulous. I'm a dang bridesmaid for God's sake. I don't think pregnant women should look like crap. I think we'd feel a whole lot better about ourselves if we were allowed to do anything!

Sorry rampage. These hormones have been out of CONTROL this week!!!!

Update- "If you're not feeling attractive during pregnancy, the look of sun-kissed skin may do wonders for your self-esteem. The good news is that the ingredients in self-tanners are harmless, so it's fine to use them during pregnancy. These lotions and sprays are basically dyes that stay on the surface of your skin and won't harm your developing baby. Best of all, self-tanners have improved dramatically over the past few years, so you don't have to worry about looking like an extra from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
I'm doing it. I followed all the stupid rules my last pregnancy and this pregnancy and I still have 2 dead babies. It's not like I'm smoking or drinking a bottle of tequila. It's dang paint that stays on my skin for like 4 days. Of course, now that I saw my little virtual baby floating over there on my page I start to panic... Why can't think just be easy?! Women go through their pregnancies smoking, drinking, doing crack, and have no prenatal care and their babies are fine. It's so incredibly obnoxious and unfair.

Awful Dreams

I dream A LOT. Most mornings I wake up feeling exhausted, not rested, because my mind was working all night long. I have nightmares a lot. When I was planning my wedding I had the WORST dreams about things that weren't ready yet. Like I had a dream one night that the guys never got fitted for their tuxes and they all showed up looking like clowns! They had different colored ties and vests than each other, some guy's jackets were way to big and some guy's pants were way too short! I have dreams about my BFF's wedding too! Sometimes I dream about awful awful things that event thinking back on them now make me want to throw up. And they are so so real it's sickening. Barf.

Two nights ago I had a dream that I lost a baby at 40 weeks and no one would monitor her while I was in labor. And I had a dream that I forgot to get all my blood work, US, and start Clomid on day 3. I called to see if I could start a day later. It was awful. I'm not stressing about it! I'm SO EXCITED about starting Clomid. Really weird.

Christopher and I have been talking even more about adoption and we are really really excited about it. It may be something that we might do even if we can get pregnant!

The Calm After The Storm

Hahahaha just kidding. I really thought I would get worse of a response from my post yesterday, but I didn't! I was really happy (happy? I'm never happy that we are in this situation) that a lot of other people felt the same as I did. As for the handful of comments against my view, I am glad to read them. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't feel that way. Like one of the women said, that is the beauty of our sisterhood. I also do understand that I am young and I am at the beginning of this possible years long journey, and for that I am grateful.

Going through a miscarriage I know how it feels. And I will never ever know how it feels never to get pregnant. And those who have never ever gotten a positive pregnancy test will never ever know how it feels to have a miscarriage. So we could go on forever, but we may just have to agree to disagree. I can't think of anything worse to experience in this subject, but that's me!

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Anyways, onward!!! Let's talk about the hubster's SA. He did well, didn't take too long. Hehehe this makes me laugh EVERY TIME I picture it. The boy sat on his knees on the floor because he didn't want to sit on the couch. He said he couldn't imagine all of the naked butts that sat on that couch and when the last time it had been wiped down. So he sat on his knees! I can't help but laugh! Then my BBC friends said they all helped their husband's with there's... I sat that one out because he isn't allowed porn at home so he was like a kid in a candy store. I let him have his fun.

It was also kinda nice to be somewhere where people knew what I was going through and deal with this every day. I really liked the clinic, so I know if I have to start going there as a patient I will feel comfortable.

They said we should get the results within 4 days. If we haven't heard by then, I have to call my doctor's office and get the results. I know my doctor's office and I'm sure I'll be calling them Friday. May be I'll just call them tomorrow... I'm impatient!

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I also want to welcome my BEST FRIEND Emily, she officially found my secret blog. I love her, and have been dying to tell her about it, but she outsmarted me and found it herself. Yaaay Emily :) (She's the one getting married, to all you old-bies)

Also, my 2 friends that got pregnant at the same time, that I may have mentioned toward the very beginning of my blog (you know, when I found out they were both pregnant the same weekend and cried and cried? yeah that one) are in labor today! I am so excited for them and I CAN NOT WAIT to meet Taylor and Elizabeth!

The list progress!

1. Start working out again.I mean, pretty much.
2. Start eating right. Only one helping of french fries since the list began!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT!
4. Become Sleeping Beauty They say your skin gets better before it gets worse, right???
5. Save some money.
6. Get my oil changed.
7. Go away with my husband! We had an AMAZING time camping this weekend, even if it was with other people. We had some extra special wine alone time Saturday night. Yummy.
8. May be look around for another part time job. I'm going to start watching my friend's new baby at the end of this month!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!!Drove over to my BFFs house last week because she was having the wedding blues (bridesmaid dropped out) and we went and took her puppy to the beach! And I didn't turn down a The Hills invitation, even when plans got changed later.
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant.
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. Well, the prozac anyways...
13. Be old Katie again!!

I can remember 1989, but not to do my Wii Fit!

Wow when I started this post I broke the A on my keyboard. I got it under control now. SHEW!!! That was close!!! I started to think about how often I actually use the A, and if it would be a problem. But after lots of bad words and throwing things, I fixed it! Woo hoo!!

Anyways, not much to report today! I am feeling a lot better, and I loved all the comments I got on my last (real) post. It was GREAT to see so many people that have been through what I have and make it on the other side alive and not in the looney bin. It gives me hope that I won't end up in a straight jacket before this is over! (Of course, it goes without saying I wish no one knew that feeling, but you know what I mean!)

Today I kinda just relaxed a reconnected with my young side. A couple weeks ago I purchased the Miley Cyrus cd (totally awesome, BTW) and today I watched High School Musical 1 & 2. They were pretty cute! I have to work for the next 4 days YUCK! I usually only work 2, but I guess I have to make the money to make up for that Wii some how!

Unless Hanna makes her way here on Friday and/or Saturday. She changes in the news every 5 seconds, so I won't know for sure until work tomorrow if I have to work or not. Of course I don't want it to be a bad hurricane, I mean who wants a horrible storm to come? But I would also like to not have to drive an hour to work in a category 1 hurricane. So if I don't have to, that'd be great! We have these little scares all the time, but I don't think I've actually been a real grown up that had a house and stuff to worry about! Our huge hurricane was Hugo in 1989 and I was 4!! All I remember is being at my grandmothers house and coming home to a tree fallen next to our house. It lifted up the fence between our yard and the niehgbor's and their grandson and I crawled in between each other's yards like it was the coolest thing in the world! Oh and my parents took a shower in the rain outside in their bathing suits. I remember that. I remember thinking they were so stupid. I recently told my mom this, and she said she thought I wouldn't do it because I was scared. Nope. Cause you looked like a lunatic mom. I also remember them blowing out a candle at night and I was scared because it was PITCH DARK! And I remember going for a walk and asking the electric guys when they would turn my electricity back on! Wow I have a great memory. :) Couldn't tell you what happened yesterday, but I remember September 1989!!

It's fun sometimes to reflect back on your youth and do youthful things. Keeps us young I guess. Reminds me of a simmpler time. Even though trees down, being scared about if my mom was alright because she had to stay and work in Charleston at the hospital, playing on my swing set and swinging into fallen trees, taking showers in the rain... I was being taken care of in all of those situations and I never really felt totally out of control. It's a peaceful feeling, being taken care of. May be a little Miley Cyrus and HSM does that for me. Reminds me of a simpler time. I do get a young feeling when I'm boppin along with those songs. Reminds me of the days my BFF Emily and I used to play Britney Spears in the car in high school on the way downtown to go shopping. We didn't have to worry about bills, just new sterling silver charms we could add to our charm bracelets at the Market!

ANYWAYS! That was fun ;) You should try it!

I have been slacking on my Wii Fit. And I have to work the next few days so that Wii Fit Board is going to give me a really really really hard time the next time I get on. The other day I had GAINED 3 pounds and he made me pick WHY I thought I had gained weight. What the heck?! Stupid board. and my husband had LOST weight. Isn't that just the icing on the cake? Mmmmm cake.... But seriously! I have been really good lately! I had french fries today just because I have been so good, but that is the only time I have been bad since I started this whole thing! Whatever. My weight changes every day depending on what I have eaten and if I have pooped, which I never do, so I'm not too worried about it I guess... I just need to be CONSISTANT on the things that I do and not slack off!

Hahahaha I can remember intricate details from when I was 4, but not to work out every day. Something is wrong there.... LOL

Taking A Break

Sooo if you saw the last post, I had a busy busy weekend, so I have 18 ICLW comments to do today! I have done.... 1. Hahaha! If you don't know what ICLW is, check out the yellow rectangle on my sidebar. It's fun ;)

So this month and next month I WILL NOT be TTC. Not like I would get pregnant anyways (Sorry sarcasm Katie came out...). "WHY?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" You may say... WELL my BFF forever is getting married on June 6th, 2009. If I get preggers this month (hahahaha! Sorry, expect sarcasm a lot this post), my EDD would be THE WEEK of her wedding. NO WAY am I missing her wedding or am I going to be 9 months pregnant and absolutely miserable in a Charleston outside summer wedding in a tight little (beautiful!!) bridesmaids dress that she has chosen. So this month and probably next I'm not TTC.

Wow. That is weird... You know, this journey has only been 6 months long... It feels like forever. I am so so lucky to have been pregnant at least once. I wish it had a better outcome, but I loved that little baby more than anything in the world. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Right? I believe so. I was happier that week than I have been in my entire life and I wouldn't take that joy away for anything.

I hope that I can have as much excitement and joy the next time I get pregnant and not be a nervous wreck the whole time. I want to be naive and happy again!!

So I need some plans for the next two months. Something to take my mind OFF of TTC and make my life better for a future TTC and baby!

1. Start working out again. When I got PG I was so fit and happy about it!
2. Start eating right. I eat like crap. I might make today my last day to go to McDonald's and enjoy a unhealthy rat-mcnugget!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT! I have been to scared and nervous about it, and I really need to have it done before I bring a baby in this world. So here we go! After my trip to McD's, I will crack a book... Or not. Tomorrow I will ;)
4. Become Sleeping Beauty. Brush my teeth and wash my face every night before bed.
5. Save some money. Hmm 10% of each paycheck?
6. Get my oil changed. It's been over a year.... oops
7. Go away with my husband! I won't be able to for a while after a baby!
8. May be look around for another part time job. I don't get enough hours at the hospital. This one may be a far stretch. That's what the "May be look" is for!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!! I think that is pretty self explanatory! Pregnant ones included!
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant. That might take a little more effort than the rest, but I want to do it!
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. I would have super uterus by now if I had taken my prenatals every day for the past 5 months! And I have to stop forgetting the prozac. Not having it makes me non-functional.
13. Be old Katie again!!

Yaay I am SO excited!!!!! (OMGosh I just realized! 13 is my lucky number! This will be GREAT!)

KuKd

Monica from Knocked Up Knocked Down kills me. She's so freaking hilarious. She's the kinda blog writer I like to read :)

She made a little pictorial of her KuKd journey, so I thought I would too!!! (Definitely read her blog for her definition of Knock Up, Knocked Down.)

awww fun Katie and her sister in law! February! No more BCPs, but not really thinking much about baby yet..... Just seeing what happens!! She's so happy and so carefree... I miss her... Fun Katie and SIL...

In Atlanta for a Rad Tech conference sending kisses home to my husband!!! March 2nd, month of KuKd. Totally oblivious to the HELL that will soon be falling into my lap (or toilet...) in less than a week. Aahhhh so naive... (Phone pic, sorry for quality!)

Almost Easter! At CVS getting our passport pictures done for our Rad Tech Registry applications. We were both pregnant here and didn't even know it yet!!!! (another phone pic!)

Awww pregnant me. All tired and knocked up... That is my niece Regan. Her mommy was buying a new car and I was trying to keep this hell-fire child sane and under control. I remember being so so so scared of picking her and her little sister up.... (once again, phone pic...)

One week after miscarriage. Ignore the date. It's wrong. Oh and look! It's Kelly! Still pregnant! Her baby shower is next weekend. She's having a boy. His name is Jarrett. Hmm. Wonder when my baby shower would be. What I would be having. What it's name would be?!

April 29th. One month after miscarriage. First totally drunken night after miscarriage. Huge giant miscarriage drunk meltdown alllllll the way home from Wild Wings! Isn't my husband hot?!

Maddox, possible whole-in-heart-filler-upper? Probably. If he didn't eat poop.


Sometime this summer. Just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant. On accident. Not planned. Has 2 kids already (one just turned 1). Totally happy for her, but now I'm pretty sure God is making me wait my turn through this long long line of people I know who have JUST had babies getting pregnant again before I'm up again. BTW that is a fake smile.

Few days ago trying on bridesmaids dresses with my BFF, bride-to-be, Emily. Looking like my normal Katie there. Very refreshing picture.... Real smile.