Ouchies

Today was my colposcopy. The PA did it. I really liked her. She was very nice, talked me through the whole thing, and seemed to care if I had questions! She said there was very little "white spots" in there and only took 4 samples. She also said (TMI!) that when she took them I would bleed, and that is apparently good!

She also read over my chart and said something about my moderate-severe dysplasia last time. My Dr just called it moderate. Ugh I wish she would stop sugar coating everything and just tell me straight up!

I'm not a sore as I was last time thank God, but this time wasn't as bad as last. It's burning a little bit but nothing like 2 years ago. I have an appointment in 2 weeks for results and followup and she said she really didn't think we would have to go any farther. I hope she's right!

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I sent my socks off today for the sock exchange (check out the sidebar!) and I am so excited. I won't say who I have since I don't want to give it away or anything, but I can not WAIT until she receives them!!! And I can't WAIT to get mine!

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I read some of my book, A Few Good Eggs, 2 nights ago. I read more of it than I ever have. It's a GREAT book. It got me thinking about IVF and money and all that. Then Christopher and I had an important conversation last night, and we came to the conclusion that if it ever comes to IVF, that we will skip it and just go straight to adoption. We've both always wanted to adopt, have always talked about it, and Christopher made a point that he thinks if we can't get pregnant on our own then may be God wants us to give a home to an orphaned baby. Is orphan an outdated word??? Feels like it to me...

I don't disagree with IVF one little bit, but I would rather spend that money definitely getting a baby. Having a biological baby and being pregnant is something I of course would like to experience, but is not as important to me as having a baby. I think Christopher has been itching like crazy to talk to me about adopting because he hints about it a lot and about exploded when I brought it up last night. He's asked me before how far we would go before we consider it.

One of my college profs adopted a baby girl and later a baby boy. She was just never able to get pregnant and they tried for like 15 years. I in no way imaginable would mind being like them. They love their babies just as much as any mother & father I've seen with her children.

I don't want to make anyone mad that's going through IVF. I think people doing that are way stronger than I could ever imagine. Adoption is just something I've always thought about and wanted to do, and just something I would rather do than IVF. I know this is all way in the future, and might not even have to happen, but I wanted to make a decision about how far we both agree to go now that we are starting with drugs and treatments.

I Love When My Husband Stands At My Head...

So today was the DOCTORS APPOINTMENT!!! Dum dum dum dum....

Anyways, we waiting for like an hour and a half... She was so freaking behind and calling back patients every 10 minutes, which means she was NOT giving them the time of day I am sure. I went back, still gaining weight, changed...

Christopher said that in the chair in the examing room they should have men's magazine's not women's. I thought that was a good valid point.

Then she came in and the husband, as strong and brave as he is, jumped from the foot of the bed in his chair to my head in a flash. I guess he doesn't want to see anything go in there that doesn't belong to him? He's going to get a rude awakening when this bumpy TTC road is up and there is a 15lb baby squeezing out... He thinks a speculum is bad... I talked as quickly as I could while she examined. She was really really nice and stayed to talk for minute. I was surprised! Pleasantly surprised!!

She said she wasn't worried about my eggs since I am so young. This age group she is worried about tubes and semen. So she ordered Christopher a semen analysis and said she would do a whole entire blood and hormone work up on me as well as order a HSG, but mentioned that they are really expensive. So we went ahead and got a script for the SA and I made an appointment. I am going back next month to talk to her about a game plan. This was just a yearly, so she didn't have time to go into a lot today. And I'm okay with that. We got a lot done, she was really helpful, and I have 2 things to look forward to!

The SA is at a fertility clinic down here and I am going to go with Christopher. I really want to see what it's all about and get some literature in case I end up a patient there. I am also excited about my HSG. I know that sounds weird... But I am an xray tech and I do them a lot. I am really excited to see my own insides up there on that double screen!!!!!

Also I bought "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" and "A Few Good Eggs". Both offer equally good and LOL fun. I know TKOYF isn't SUPPOSED to make you laugh, but seriously. Have you seen it? May be my brain is stuck in 5th grade, but the lady crouching and sticking her finger inside to check her CM made me laugh out loud.

Christopher will forever be scarred by the words "Cervical Mucous."

Are you seriously kidding me right now?

I was at the bookstore yesterday looking for some good infertility books since I love obsessing over everything I possibly can. I stumbled upon the pregnancy books since I've heard horror stories of Infertility books being in the Pregnancy section.
This is what I found....

It's Me!!

Hola! I am here! Thanks to my FBBFE (Favorite Best Blog Friends Ever- Yup I made that up! Don't steal it like Ashliehg stole SSSS, Someone Secret So Shhh, as in I Heart SSSS, in 5th grade. Thanks. hehe) Monica and Shannon. I am here. Here I am! My computer is broken, so I am pretty much and outsider to the internet world. I so sad.

In these past few months that you have missed me (ha.) I have... Gone to Missouri to see my nieces again (drove. 20 hours. Each way. With the inlaws. A whole other story.), read ALL 4 Twilight books (love, love, love them), taken up reading like I used to (a book every couple days... No internet has done this to me!), not gotten pregnant again, had 2 or 3 miscarriage meltdowns (current one being my due date is coming up and 2 of the 3 friends that got pregnant with me had their babies. the 3rd is being induced this week), got my oil changed (it's been over a year!), got an iPod Nano (my new BFF thanks to the new Taylor Swift cd!), got drunk a lot, dressed up as Rainbow Brite for Halloween, drank tons and tons of formaldehyde (diet pepsi/coke for the newbies stumbling over), and worked a lot.

So all in all, same ol same ol ;)

I miss my blog family so so much!!! Occasionally I get on and try to catch up on everyone, but usually I'm at work, and it doesn't work out so well!!! But you are all in my thoughts xoxox

Hello My Highly Missed Friends!

Yes, I have been MIA, but I miss you ;) Yes, you!

My laptop is broken. :( I so so sad. Tomorrow we are leaving for Missouri to see my nieces though! I am so so so happy and so excited!

AF started today, so my break is OVER. I didn't do half the crap on my list, but whatever. TTC will begin again!

I am doing much much better. I had one drunk mc meltdown, but it was short and the first one since July. And it was after hanging out with a pregnant friend. I even looked a friend's baby shower pics. I am totally good right now.

My bday is December 29th and for my whole life every 29th of every month I would announce how many months till my birthday. Well my m/c was on March 29th, and since then all I have thought was how many months it had been since my baby died... I figured my fun countdown had come to a stop. WELP! Not on Septmber 29th! I told someone the date and said "Oh! 3 months til my birthday!" and THEN remembered 6 months since the m/c. Yaaay I'm going to eventually heal one day after all, right??? :)

BTW, currently reading book 3 of the Twilight series... OMG who is in LOVE with Edward as much as I?!?!?!?!?!?!

What did I EVER do to the universe??

Cause the universe DEFINITELY is against me. Here are the reasons why in pretty little bullets. First time ever using...

• My baby died. Duh.
• One of my friend's that is due when I am sends me pictures and texts on a regular basis talking about how much longer she has left and how cute her belly is. I love her, and I love to hear, but sometimes it's a painful reminder.
• One day I went to the cafeteria at work (I work at a hospital) and the pregnancy tour just ended and there were 10+ pregnant women in there.
• One of my closest friends got pregnant on accident. Lucky.
• Saturday I went to the cafeteria and remembered it was "PREGNANCY CELEBRATION" and there were 100+++ pregnant women celebrating their pregnancies and another 100+ newborns. Wow I really wanted to slit my throat this weekend.
• Yesterday my CPR class teacher was pregnant and "due around Thanksgiving". Oh yeah, me too. But wait, my baby is dead. I ALMOST forgot.
• Everyone and their mom are pregnant.
  

It's just annoying. EVERY ONE around me is pregnant! Thank GOD the last pregnant girl in our department had her baby. So the 8 pregnant girls are done. Time for a new cycle!!!!

My friend sent me a "medal" of a saint that was blessed by her priest. She said she got pregnant the first month she got hers. Well I put it in my bedside table since I am taking a break right now, and I haven't given it much more thought. The other day I rolled over and OMG THERE IT WAS! IN THE BED! Later I found out my husband grabbed the envelope to write a number really quick, but crap man. I was LAYING on it! Soooooo as pregnant as I want to be, I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. I immediately emailed my friend and blamed her for everything. hahahahahaha. It was really a funny experience, and I'm sure if I get pregnant this month, that'll be why!! I'm not catholic, so I don't really know what to do with it, but I am pretty sure rolling around on it while probably doing the deed will probably result in a baby in 9 months. We will see. Hey, it's not the worst thing that could happen!!!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I got a book called The Conception Chronicles. It looks funny. It better be KuKd funny, cause that is what I have in mind. You know, there is a Women's Health section, Pregnancy Section, but no Dead Baby section. It would be really nice if there was with some books, fiction and non fiction, available for me to skim through and buy! I like to realte to my characters, and I just wanted a book that I could cry and laugh through about the current things I am feeling. But I couldn't find any. So hurry up Monica and write your book :):)

Dreams, Shopping, Vacation, & Faith, OH MY!

I had even more dreams last night! SO VIVID! Not pregnancy related though, but oh well. Vivid dreams were a PG symptom for me, so hopefully that is a good sign!! I am really getting my hopes up this month, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think if AF comes I will just have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Won't be the first time.

I went shopping today. SHHH. I really don't have the money to do that, but whatever. I got another Emily Giffin book, Baby Proof, and a Jane Green book, Second Chance. I am excited about reading The Jane Green one. IDK how I feel about the baby one yet... Sometimes reading about stuff like that makes me sad, sick, and blue. I might read the Jane Green one first....

When thinking about reading this baby book, I started thinking about my EDD. It is November 30th. If I'm not pg again by then, I think I will just be sitting in a deep whole of despair. SOO I decided that Christopher and I should go on a trip. I won't feel up to working, going out with friends, and if I go out I will just drink myself in to the hospital, so I think a relaxing couple of days with my husband somewhere other than here would be the best.

QUESTION: For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"? I hope that it will at least take my mind off of it... I don't know though! Some opinions would be great :) Thanks!

BTW A friend of mine (Ellen who writes My So Called Life, link on the right) works in the NICU and said a woman just had a healthy baby girl after 10 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths, a baby born at 23weeks that lived 3 days and a baby born at 24 weeks that lived one month. Could you imagine? I don't think I would have been able to get past a couple of miscarriages. It's amazing the strength that God can give us when we need it the most!

I had a talk with God the other day. I have been having an issue since my miscarriage. 2 days before my miscarriage my hormones took over and I was bawling my eyes out screaming "God PLEASE take care of my baby, don't let anything happen to my baby, keep my baby safe." I was absolutely distraught. People probably thought someone had died if they had seen me in my car. Well someone did, I just didn't know it yet... Anyways, since then I have had a hard time asking God for anything. My mother in law and I flew to Missouri in July and I wanted to ask God soooo bad to keep us safe, but I was so scared that if I did, that the exact opposite would happen. I have had a couple of other moments that I wanted to ask for something along those lines, but stopped because I was way to scared that it would jinx me. I hate feeling this way, so I asked God to please just put me at peace with that, and let me be able to trust myself to talk to Him again. I haven't felt as "lost" since that day.

I need help with a lot of things. I graduated from xray school in May and I need to take my registry exam but I am so scared. I have been to scared to do ANYTHING since my miscarriage. I am so afraid that I will fail. I am too scared of disappointment I guess? I don't know how to fix that at all. What do I pray for?

My US (Part Two) & Other Musings

My doctor called me back this morning. YAAY! She said my pap in April, my bloodwork a few weeks ago, and my US yesterday all looked normal. She said that there was a tiny cyst on my right ovary, most likely from ovulating.

Hmm. Ovulating?

That would mean I ovulated on time... ME?!?!

But she said it was all okay so I would see her in October for my next pap.

Soooo.... I was happy until DUH I realized the reason we did all that was because of my crazy luteal phases. But if I ovulated on time this month then it's okay...

October is just 2 cycles away. I'll just sit back and do what I have been doing. I told my husband that our chances of concieving this month were probably thrown out the window because the Dr told me to have sex every 3rd day and we've been having sex, like 3 times a day... Not really 3. May be a slight exaggeration. But still. OR JUST MAY BE this month since I haven't been worrying about it, it will work out.

But if you conscientiously make an effort NOT to worry about it, does it count when I think about not worrying about it?

Something to think about...

As for non reproductive related news, I finished "Something Blue" last night. I read it in one day!! It was SO good! (Carrie- It gets much better, and so does Darcy!) I also "taught" in the nursery at VBS last night. And in "taught" I mean held a 3 month old baby and she feel asleep in my arms and I never put her down for 2 hours. I loved it. I really really wanted to just take her home with me. Her mother had PCOS and stopped trying and VA LA! Oops. That's reproductive related...