Friday, August 8, 2008

Dreams, Shopping, Vacation, & Faith, OH MY!

I had even more dreams last night! SO VIVID! Not pregnancy related though, but oh well. Vivid dreams were a PG symptom for me, so hopefully that is a good sign!! I am really getting my hopes up this month, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think if AF comes I will just have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Won't be the first time.

I went shopping today. SHHH. I really don't have the money to do that, but whatever. I got another Emily Giffin book, Baby Proof, and a Jane Green book, Second Chance. I am excited about reading The Jane Green one. IDK how I feel about the baby one yet... Sometimes reading about stuff like that makes me sad, sick, and blue. I might read the Jane Green one first....

When thinking about reading this baby book, I started thinking about my EDD. It is November 30th. If I'm not pg again by then, I think I will just be sitting in a deep whole of despair. SOO I decided that Christopher and I should go on a trip. I won't feel up to working, going out with friends, and if I go out I will just drink myself in to the hospital, so I think a relaxing couple of days with my husband somewhere other than here would be the best.

QUESTION: For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"? I hope that it will at least take my mind off of it... I don't know though! Some opinions would be great :) Thanks!

BTW A friend of mine (Ellen who writes My So Called Life, link on the right) works in the NICU and said a woman just had a healthy baby girl after 10 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths, a baby born at 23weeks that lived 3 days and a baby born at 24 weeks that lived one month. Could you imagine? I don't think I would have been able to get past a couple of miscarriages. It's amazing the strength that God can give us when we need it the most!

I had a talk with God the other day. I have been having an issue since my miscarriage. 2 days before my miscarriage my hormones took over and I was bawling my eyes out screaming "God PLEASE take care of my baby, don't let anything happen to my baby, keep my baby safe." I was absolutely distraught. People probably thought someone had died if they had seen me in my car. Well someone did, I just didn't know it yet... Anyways, since then I have had a hard time asking God for anything. My mother in law and I flew to Missouri in July and I wanted to ask God soooo bad to keep us safe, but I was so scared that if I did, that the exact opposite would happen. I have had a couple of other moments that I wanted to ask for something along those lines, but stopped because I was way to scared that it would jinx me. I hate feeling this way, so I asked God to please just put me at peace with that, and let me be able to trust myself to talk to Him again. I haven't felt as "lost" since that day.

I need help with a lot of things. I graduated from xray school in May and I need to take my registry exam but I am so scared. I have been to scared to do ANYTHING since my miscarriage. I am so afraid that I will fail. I am too scared of disappointment I guess? I don't know how to fix that at all. What do I pray for?

6 people that love me told me so:

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness, this post just breaks my heart for all kinds of reasons. You're moving to the very top of my prayer list.

To answer your question, "For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"?", let me just say yes and no. There are some really good books (Hannah's Hope is about loss), and Pregnancy After a Loss is, well, about that.

My personal experiences were like this:

With my first loss, I was already miscarrying when I got the news that I was even pregnant. We'd been trying for a while, and even though I was miscarrying, it was so early that there was no pain, and I was quite honestly, more relieved to find out that my girl parts still worked. I was blue for a few days, but it didn't really affect my next pregnancy because the news never had time to settle in. I was about 6 weeks along when I lost that pregnancy, and that was December 2005.

We didn't conceive again until August 2006, and again, the early days of that pregnancy were so innocent. It was as if there had never been a loss. We picked out names, started buying things, made plans, the whole bit. I had no problems at all, had closely monitored hormone levels, early ultrasounds, etc. Everything was fine until all of a sudden it just wasn't. At nearly 9 weeks, I began spotting lightly, which doctor said could be normal. Then later in the day, I began hemmoraging, lost conciousness twice at the doctor's office, and had to be rushed to the hospital where I authorized blood transfusions and had an emergency D&C. That was October 2006.

December 2006, I discovered I was pregnant again, and I struggled more in that pregnancy. It was often difficult to settle into being totally attached to the pregnancy because by then I knew how heartbreaking a loss could be. I literally took it day-by-day sometimes. But once I got pass the milestone of my loss timeframe (9 weeks), things eased up a bit. After that, I could look ahead to the future a little more easily. On to 12 weeks, when the chance of miscarriage drops dramtically. Then (in my case) to 14 weeks, when my cerclage would be placed. Then to 16 weeks, when progesterone injections would begin to keep preterm labor at bay. Then 18 weeks to the level 2 ultrasound. Then 24 weeks, which is the point of viability (meaning baby could live outside of my body). Unfortunately, I didn't make it to 24 weeks. I was 9 days away from that milestone when my cerclage failed, my progesterone injections failed, all rescue measures failed, and Zachary was born with underdeveloped lungs and died one hour and 48 minutes later. That was April 2007.

In July 2007, after the mandatory three-month waiting period, I became pregnant again, and as I'm sure you can imagine, I was an absolute basket case. I was terrified to ask God for anything because by then, it felt like He delighted in torture (which He absolutely does not). I was still so raw in my grief following Zachary's death, and so absolutely nuts that I struggled to bond with the pregnancy. I was totally, totally consumed by fear. When I began spotting, I immediately went to the ER. I was assured there was a heartbeat and everything was fine -- nothing to worry about. The next day, the spotting increased and my perinatologist had me come in to see him. My baby's heart had stopped. I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I miscarried at home later, and felt absolutely guilty that I was incapable of more connection. Now I see I was incapable of so much a year ago, and while I still feel sad about the loss, I feel an increased level of mercy towards my situation.

Were I to become pregnant again, I would embrace every single minute of it. I recognize that God is a God of love, and grace, and mercy (even when it doesn't feel that way) and that He truly does have my best interest at heart. I also understand that despite the very best medical intervention, sometimes pregnancies just end. Were I to have the privilege of carrying another child, I would head straight out for some spicy nachos (a common pregnancy craving for me) and talk to my tummy every chance I got. I would embrace and enjoy every single moment. I would love on that baby as much as I could while it was here on Earth in some capacity, so that if it were to leave Earth earlier than I planned, I would have no regrets in that regard. I've done it both ways, and it's sadder to have regret.

There's a blog I check in on sometimes at http://josh-kati.com/. We belonged to the same due date club with the last pregnancy I lost (my attempt to "connect"). She lost a set of twins a little while before I lost my last pregnancy. Anyway, she's about 30-32 weeks pregnant again, and earlier in her pregnancy, she made a "worry chain." It was like one of those holiday construction paper chains, and she wrote various worries or thoughts on a slip of paper for each day of her pregnancy. Every day she would open one and address that worry. She was very proactive in her healing process. You may e-mail her to see how that worked.

Anyway, I'm praying for you, and hoping that your arms are filled very, very soon.

Amanda said...

Sorry for the super, super, super long "comment." I should have just e-mailed you.

☆ Loren ☆ said...

Im sorry i have not been able to comment sooner, i am currently without internet and can only check my blogs from my iphone.

I was very pleased to see another blogger so much like myself. The ages of myself and my husband and you and your husband is really "something". I have gone through and read all the past posts in your blog to get caught up ;), and i found myself constanly saying "that is just like me!" haha! I will be praying for your angel baby and for you and your DH to be blessed again soon! Much Love, Loren

mrsmoore08 said...

Hey girl! Good idea about the trip on the EDD! That is what we are doing as well. My due date was also DH's birthday. Our trip to vegas will mark his birthday, the edd, and the end of our TTC journey for a couple years, if I'm not pg by then.

Carrie said...

I understand how you are feeling! It's hard to feel hopeful, but the fear of feeling so sad and scared is hard to handle too.

A trip on your EDD is a great idea. Where will you be going?

Keep your chin up, Carrie

Monica LeMoine said...

Scared: grief manifests itself in mysterious ways, my dear. One of those is fear. It's normal to be scared of all kinds of things. I've been terrified of death and dying ever since KuKd reared its ugly head in my life. So, as for what to pray for, I'd pray for overcoming your own fear, and a nice strong martini.

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