Saturday, May 30, 2009

No Hope

I just feel like I have no hope. I'm not really sad or mad or happy or anything really. But I just don't feel like I will see a heartbeat on B on Tuesday at all, and it's annoying when my husband gets mad at me for saying it. I can't help it. It's not like I WANT my babies to all die and be a owner of a crappy uterus, but that's just the way I feel. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. My mom says to ask God to bless me. I did. I did the first time, and I did this time. 2 dead babies have resulted. Not saying He did it on purpose, but what's the point? He knows what I want and He'll do what He wants no matter what I say.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.

Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Bittersweet Heartbreak

I had an US today at work. Baby B is measuring 7w5d and his heartbeat is 154 and Baby A is measuring 6w3d with zero heartbeat.

I'm obviously thrilled that B is growing and has caught up to his due date, but its majorly overcasted by the absolute heartbreak I'm feeling for the lost life of Baby A.

Please don't say "well at least you still have one" because it hurts almost as bad as my first miscarriage. I have a little hope but also major fear that the same thing will happen to the other one. Why wouldn't it? I've managed to kill 2 now, what's one more? I might as well have a margarita.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

New Stupid Things...

...That People Say.

Last month I wrote a blog about stupid stuff people say about infertility. Well, I'm still getting stupid comments and questions.

I am absolutely in no way ashamed of my infertility experience. I am more than happy to talk to anyone about it that has questions or is curious. However, it really isn't anyone's business, and there IS a way to approach it.

When I tell someone I am having twins, the FIRST thing they say is "oh do twins run in your family, or were you on fertility drugs?" It's absolutely obnoxious. When I see people with multiples not ONCE has that question EVER popped in my head. It's so personal and private. ONCE I wondered if someone used fertility drugs when I was first introduced to Lauren's blog about her quadruplets. I read through her blog and she did not mention it, so guess what? I forgot about it. It wasn't my business and I didn't think about it again.

I answer that I took fertility drugs, and I haven't gotten any negative answers, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people (especially men... is that weird??) ask me about it. When people just ask me if twins run in my family I just answer no. I give no extra information.

I've been reading lots of other multiple mommy blogs and this looks like something I will be dealing with forever, so I better get used to it!!

I'm really just annoyed that people these days do not respect anyone's privacy. It's utterly obnoxious.

In other news, I had the most awful migraine ever this weekend, and couldn't take anything. What pure torture that was... I also got a BellaBand yesterday! WOW the most amazing invention EVER!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Just a little forewarning, if you came from ICLW and DON'T want to hear about pregnancy, hit the back button! I became pregnant since I signed up for this month!!!

Welcome ICLWers!!!

My name is Katie, I'm married to Christopher, and we are expecting TWINS!!! I am still very early in my pregnancy, so a little nervous, but surprising not as much as I thought I would be. I have been praying for peace, so I think God is definitely listening!

This blog is going to be primarily about my twin pregnancy, my husband, our pets, our March 08 heartbreaking miscarriage, and infertility. Thankfully I only dabbled a tiny bit into IF by getting pregnant one our first round of Clomid. I still have lots of friends that are still on this tough tough journey, and although I am pregnant, I still find myself very frustrated with the ignorance of the fertiles.

If you're pregnant with twins or have twins (or multiples!!!) please comment with your link, because I am a little intimidated on the cost of two babies and would really like to hear other experiences.

Here are the US pictures I've been promising since Tuesday :)

Baby A is on the right, Baby B on the left

Baby A

Baby B

My appointment went well. It was so nice to FINALLY get blood take for pregnancy tests and fill out paper work because I am pregnant. It was nice to see them talk about different tests at different points in my pregnancy and to see MY BABIES' HEARTBEATS!!!

The babies are still measuring 5 days behind, just like I told that witch US tech. Baby A is actually the sac that I was concerned about a few weeks ago, and now she's bigger than Baby B! All of your prayers have worked! Now keep praying for them both, an B. His heart rate was 112, which the Dr said is okay, but she wants to see it over 120. But the babes were only measuring 5w6d, so their hearts JUST started beating THAT DAY, so I think 112 sounds pretty darn good. I bet it's just as high as A's today!

I am pretty sure A is a girl since she fertilized late (girl sperm being slower but living longer) and B being a boy since he fertilized first (being that boy sperm swim faster). And just cause I have a hunch. And because it would be so great if they were boy/girl! How fun would that be?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

May 19th Part Dos

2 Heartbeats!!!!!!!

I will write a full update with photos tomorrow, but I wanted to let anyone know who may have been wondering ;)

I Got What I Asked For!

Well, I got what I asked for. Nausea, feeling like crap, exhaustion... It's all here. I won't complain because I know there is worse out there, like not being pregnant, but I will just say one thing- It sucks feeling like shit 100% of the time.

Today is my FIRST OB visit! I can't wait! I also have another US before it, and hopefully will see my little Squishy and Babycakes heartbeats! I had an US on Friday that a friend did and each sac had a perfect and absolutely beautiful yolk sac. Such a pretty sight :) She said they looked PERFECT and right on track, and by today I should be able to see heart beats!

I'll update y'all on the appointment, and you can always follow me on Twitter because I am constantly updating there. Especially when I don't have the energy to get up and blog!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sweet Kayleigh

Please head over to The Freeman's blog that they have been writing about sweet baby Kayleigh since she was born at 1lb 1oz 10 months ago.

Fighting all the odds, Kayleigh was about to head home after one last procedure, where she did not get enough oxygen to her brain and was pronounced brain dead.

Kayleigh passed away last night. Please go over and give her family all the prayers and support that you can. Their faith is amazing and it has gotten stronger through this rough journey.

Kayleigh Anne

Monday, May 11, 2009

5w3d US from HELL

So I went to my US this morning. I had this witch of a tech. Last time I went before I started the Clomid, she bitched about "your generation" the whole time.

She scanned be for what seemed like FOREVER and finally showed me. She said "There are 2 sacs, but there aren't babies in them. They are so small my machine won't even measure them." I told her that I ovulated 5 days late, so honestly the babies really are only 4w5ds, but she didn't want to listen to anything I said. I asked her to print a picture for me and she said "Ugh well I guess, but there isn't anything there. This doesn't mean anything."

Eff you.

So I left way more freaked out than before. I called a numerous amount of my US friends and they all agreed with me that my O date makes total sense on why there aren't babies yet. One of the girls said this same exact tech said "Your babies Nuchal fold is large, she has Downs syndrome." and the baby is fine. My other friend said this same tech told her every single time she scanned her "he isn't moving. this concerns me. Something's wrong with him." He's fine. He's the baby I watch 2-3 times a week. They both told me never to listen to a word she says because she is an absolute idiot.

I sent my picture to one of the girls and she said she would call it an early twin gestation and it looked great. Something about colors... I have no clue. But they all told me to not stress, and it was fine. But of course I'm freaking, because why wouldn't I? This woman basically told me I have a twin molar pregnancy? I wish I didn't even HAVE the stupid US. It did nothing for my nerves...

Well except...:

GREAT NEWS the sacs are about the same size now, and have definitely grown, so I think that's a great thing.

Excuse my nose. IDK why it looks like the size of Mount Rushmore.

Link to a larger version :)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Please Keep Praying!

Tomorrow morning is my US at the doctor's office.

I'm so worried that I won't be seeing Baby B tomorrow. I had a hard time getting attached to this pregnancy (absolutely unconscious. I tried so hard) but as soon as it finally sunk in that those 2 US pictures were pictures of MY 2 little babies, I fell incredibly and irrevocably in love with them both.

The thought of losing one makes me sad. I've been praying really hard that I see her beautiful blobness tomorrow. So I would really appreciate it if you could pray with me.

Thanks to those who have been praying with me already. I definitely have a sense of peace and real optimism for her. Just sometimes I get worried.

I'll update tomorrow with the news, and I'm really praying it's GOOD news!!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

5 Week US!

There are 2 sacs!!!

One is significantly smaller than the other, so we are praying very very hard that our littlest girl makes it. We have another US on Monday at the Doctor's office (these were all done at work!) and by then we should know the outcome a little better for a little bitty one!

Here are some pictures. I took these with my crappy cell phone camera, so please excuse the quality. The first picture is Baby A, big and fat, and picture 2 is Baby B. She looks way smaller on these pictures, but she's just about half the size of her big sister.

Please send lots of prayers that our little runt growns big and strong!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Feeling Fine

I feel fine. I hate it.

I want to be puking and have heartburn and have boobs that hurt so bad I want to cry. But no. I feel fine.

Do you have any idea how hard this is? I have been having food aversions, lower abdominal cramping, until all of a sudden yesterday, they just STOPPED.

So I had a mini meltdown last night to Christopher. He tried really hard to make me feel better. I didn't feel much better but he did calm me down and helped me fall asleep.

I don't even feel as connected with this baby as I did in my first pregnancy, and I'm TRYING REALLY HARD! I am telling myself over and over "be so happy, be so excited, love this baby" and I have all along, however, my unconscious just is screwing with my head. I hate it, it's obnoxious.

I just want to be EXCITED and HAPPY and SICK!!!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Lots Of Babies?

So I have been joking that I'm having twins. I told everyone I have twins in there, and I'm calling them Madeline and Addison (yes two girls).

Sunday at work I was freaking out about my progesterone and talked one of the Radiologists to order a blood progesterone test for me. Once I had the bloodwork the phlebotomist told me we wouldn't get the results until Tuesday. I was annoyed.

I went up to work today and checked my lab results and my Progesterone is


A normal Progesterone for the entire 1st trimester is 16-90! And mine is 87.6?! I still don't have my betas from yesterday (GRRRRRRRRRR) but I looked it up and a high P can mean multiples!

So my US tech friend scanned me this afternoon and we couldn't really see much (except for the enormous ovarian cysts that I apparently have...) but she said "Okay, that MIGHT be one, and that MIGHT be 2!" So I am going back Friday for another scan.

I've been kind of kidding about knowing there are 2 in there, but now that it may actually be a possibility... WOW!

So if you have experience with high Progesterone and singletons or multiples, let me know! I'm way too impatient to just WAIT for Friday. It seems so far away... :)

UPDATE! My HCG is 575!!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH for a high number! I'm baby baking for sure!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Still In Shock

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! I am in absolute shock. I was planning one waiting til my period was late to test, but we were going to be drinking all day Saturday at the Dragon Boat races, so I decided to take one. The rest is history :)

Today I took my butt up to the Doctor's office and got some bloodwork done. I'll have my results tomorrow. I peed in a cup though and I am officially pregnant at my doctor's office! They also told me my due date is January 9th!

I'm not feeling ANYTHING except that I'm HOT and sleepy. I'll take what I can get. I wish I was like worshiping the porcelain Gods, but I'll just wait. Hopefully I'll feel bad soon. I'm having that nagging pressure cramping deep down low, but I keep telling myself it's normal!!!

I really could use tons of prayers right now. This baby is a miracle and I am so excited about her. I want to hug and kiss her smiley face in 9 months!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Totally Unexpected!!!!


(PLEASE if you know me in real life, SHHHHHHHH)

Friday, May 1, 2009

God's Time

This is kinda part two of yesterday's post. This is something I hear from people all the time too.

"May be it's not God's time for you yet."

Or something along the line that God doesn't want me to be a mom yet. They always say it's not His plan. Well you know what, I want it to be His plan.

This is always a tricky one. I want to say something smart-ass and witty without sounding sacrilegious.

And I don't really get the phrase anyways. Should we all just sit around? I mean, some of us would never get pregnant. Some woman can't get pregnant without IVF, IUI, drugs, etc. Does God not want us to have kids? And if He didn't want us to be moms then why are there success stories?

I guess this is one of those posts where I am talking about being a Christian but I am questioning my God and faith. It's not like I'm questioning who my God is, I'm just questioning "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

I think I would be a great mom and I have always been amazing with kids and babies. I don't think God would have given me that gift and this want for children (since I was a child myself) if He didn't want me to be a mommy. It just wouldn't make sense. Unless it's some sick joke, and I refuse to believe that that's the case.

But sometimes I think about it and I really think that this isn't my time. I mean what else is the problem? It's not from lack of trying, that's for sure. I just need to sit back and pray and hope for my miracle.

Update: Just saw my ticker and it says I've been TTC for 17 months. 17 months today. I know for some that doesn't sound like a long time, but for me it sounds soooo long. I hope this happens for me soon. Looking at the bills rolling in, I don't know how far I can go right now.


Christopher and I got our Bentley Bracelets yesterday! I'm very excited and can't WAIT for someone to ask me what it is for. (We're looking a little rough, it's like 11pm after Dragonboat Race practice and we were exhausted! LOL)

Here's a picture of Bentley with her bracelets!!!

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