Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Bittersweet Heartbreak

I had an US today at work. Baby B is measuring 7w5d and his heartbeat is 154 and Baby A is measuring 6w3d with zero heartbeat.

I'm obviously thrilled that B is growing and has caught up to his due date, but its majorly overcasted by the absolute heartbreak I'm feeling for the lost life of Baby A.

Please don't say "well at least you still have one" because it hurts almost as bad as my first miscarriage. I have a little hope but also major fear that the same thing will happen to the other one. Why wouldn't it? I've managed to kill 2 now, what's one more? I might as well have a margarita.

34 people that love me told me so:

just me, dawn said...

oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you are in. I am glad that baby B is growing, but you will never forget Baby A. ((hugs))

The Unproductive One said...

Don't you dare!!!

Step away from the Margarita, step away from even the thought of the Margarita.

I can understand your thought process I really can, that's whats stopping me from even wanting to try and get pregnant again, I've already killed 4 babies, if I get knocked up again I'll probably kill that one too....I am after all the baby killer.

BUT

right now, you have a baby growing inside you, put those negative doubts away and concentrate on Baby B....what will be will be, you can't change fate but RIGHT NOW, you're pregnant and you need to muster all your positivity to make sure Baby B keeps growing like he or she has been!

Sending you bucketloads of love hon and keeping everything crossed!

xxxxx

The Pifer's said...

I won't tell you "at least you have one" b/c I can only imagine how frustrating that is to hear, however I will tell you that you did NOT "manage to kill" either one. Somethings in life we do understand, I wish I had the answers to alot of things myself, but I do know one thing that God has a purpose and a plan...sometimes I wish I could phone up to heaven and ask him personally what his plan is....sometimes I wish he would whisper in my ear his plan....I HATE to hear this happened sweetie...it breaks my heart for you!!! I love ya sweetie, and I am here for you, I am praying for you...you WILL get through this!!!! Know I am an email away!!! Praying for your family!!!!

"Without Faith nothing is possible, with it nothing is impossible"

B MoM said...

oh no, that's devastating! Think positive for Baby B. I know its practically impossible now....but all seems to be going well for that baby and that's the best you can hope for. Prayer works also, I should know, I've prayed for the baby inside of me and so far so good.

jonandrachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way that baby b will be healthy and a fighter. Take care of yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to be sad. Much love.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry! Hang in there, allow yourself time to grieve, and focus on Baby B.

Sending lots of prayers your way!

dragonflymama said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. be gentle with yourself because there's nothing in the world you could've done to cause this or to deserve this. hang in there. sending you lots of light and good thoughts around baby b.

iclw

A said...

oh my gosh, i am heartbroken for you. i dont really have any more words, but i will certainly be lifting you and your family in prayer!

Nina said...

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Take care of yourself, and maybe just get some margarita mix sans tequila.

Courtney said...

I am so so sorry to hear this horrible news! I will continue to pray for you and baby B!

Katie said...

My thoughts are with you as you grieve the loss of Baby A. I hope Baby B continues to grow right on schedule.

Cassandra said...

I'm so very sorry to hear about Baby A. Comfort and best wishes to you and Baby B.

Kelli said...

I'm so sorry to hear about baby A! ((HUGS)) Keep thinking positive about baby B and stay stong for him/her. xo

Elana Kahn said...

I am soooo sorry sweetie!!! *hugs*

Hilary said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss....
You are in my prayers.

Blessings....

Beautiful Mess said...

Sending you many hugs and holding you close to my heart. Also thinking about your Angel baby and cheering for baby B.
*HUGS*

Alissa said...

I'm so sorry sweetie...you're in my prayers.

Michele said...

I am so very sorry. With my first twin pregnancy, I delivered our son 2w before our daughter, and I'll never forget the harsh "well at least you still have one that has a chance." Are you freaking kidding me??? It is so callous and cruel, and I hope you dont have to endure those comments.

Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

Anonymous said...

You are NOT a baby killer. I am very sorry for your loss but you are NOT a baby killer. Please stay positive for baby B and don't give up. Life is difficult and you have already shown that you can overcome by trying to get pregnant again. God will decide what is right and what is wrong and trust in him for guidence. I appluade you for being so willing to talk about your experiences rather than bottling them up and letting it destroy you. You have many friends that you never realized you had in the world. We are all here for you during the good and the bad. We never should have to be alone and you are definitely not alone in this world.

WiseGuy said...

So very sorry! And you better not even get thinking of that Margarita...I know it is heartbreaking.

Hugs.

Miriam said...

came here via LFCA, and wanted to send my support. i also want to echo the statements of the comment above- you're not a baby killer. this isn't something *you're* doing - you're not the cause of the action but rather at the crap end of something else's action. i'm so sorry for the loss, and i'm sending tons of good vibes and healthy thoughts for Baby B!
~Miriam

Kim said...

Katie, I am so sorry. If anyone dares make such cruel remarks to you feel free to send them my way for a smack down. My thoughts are with the all of you.

caitsmom said...

I am so so sorry. I'm sure you know you are not a "baby kller," but I also understand that as mothers' we look inward and try to understand why we can't fix it, make it better. We would do anything to save our children, and sometimes our bodies fail us and it's hard not to look inward. I'm sending lots of love for Baby A and hopes for the continued health Baby B and hopes for your family.

Peace.

ICLW

Fiddle1 said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It just sucks. Everyone here telling you to stay positive sucks also. Of course it hurts! Of course you want a margarita! I'm just so freaking sorry.

Delenn said...

Coming from LAFCA. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and strength.

Caba said...

I am so sorry.

cowboyboot lady said...

I am so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you. It's not your fault. Focus on Baby B. Hang in there!

Dianne said...

Oh sweetie! I am crying reading your post. Please know that there are so many "friends" here to support you. You and your Husband our in my thoughts and prayers.

Shinejil said...

Hi, dear! I know the sadness you're facing--the same thing happened to me recently. Grieving the loss is necessary, especially as it seems to hit you hard. I was very confused by all the mixed feelings I had--sorrow, worry, relief at avoiding a more complicated and risky pregnancy, anger.

Just so you know, the bigger embie is now a 19 w fetus and is growing perfectly--so one loss does not mean you'll lose the other one.

Take good care of yourself. Maybe some key lime pie instead of that margarita? :)

Nic said...

I am so so sorry for your loss.
Nic x

JuliaS said...

Just because they came "two at a time" doesn't make the loss of one any less than if they came one at a time.

A loss is a loss and I am sorry you are hurting.

Gentle good wishes and many good thoughts and prayers for your other wee one - may they grow strong.

here from LFCA

Barefoot said...

I am so sorry. I lost one of my twins at 7 weeks, and it was so difficult. It's been 4 weeks for me, and it does get better...but just be good to yourself and know that whatever you're feeling is OK. Thinking of you...

Jill said...

I thought I was following your blog, and couldn't figure out what your tweets were about! Well, I found you now. So sorry, hon! ((hugs))

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