To Be Excited

I think I'm ready.

I think I am done being sad. I am ready to be happy again.

I am not so worried about my colposcopy tomorrow like I probably should be, because all I can think about it CLOMID! I am so so excited. I have officially (I guess?) been diagnosed Infertile and all I can do is be excited. It's weird. I know this could not work for me, but that part of my brain is being shut out by my excited part. I don't know what the deal is! I'm not even thinking about getting pregnant this month because I'm so excited about next month.

How crazy am I? I know there will be side effects. I know I'll gain probably 10 pounds. I know I'll be even more hormonally psycho than I am now, but I just am so excited. I don't know why!

On the m/c front, I am working the night shift the 28th, so I will be sleeping all day the 29th, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I really can't think of a better way to spend it. Sleeping it alllll away.

Frustrated

My appointment is on Monday. I'm really down. I realized yesterday that my m/c was this month last year and it'd be so nice to be pregnant for it, but now I will just be sad and baby-less. Plus, if I don't get pregnant this month, then (may be, hopefully, one day) I'll have a 2010 baby and not the 2008 baby like I was supposed to. That is 2 years. This process is just supposed to be 9, 10 months. Not over 24. Not over 1203984783 like some of the ladies out there. It is just really frustrating.

Feeling Okay!

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. It comes in waves I guess. I went to a movie yesterday with my BFF and 2 other really great friend, the pregnant one included, and I loved on her cutie little baby belly. I was pretty proud of myself. I said SOMETHING silly teasing around and she started to say "Hey, if you want it you can.... (or something to that effect...)" pointing to her belly, and then I think she realized what she was saying and I just laughed and someone said something else. If I was in a "bad place" last night I would have said "SURE I'LL TAKE IT" but it didn't really bother me. IDK. It was weird!

But on my list of ways to better myself I put join a small group, and we did, and at the prayer request time I asked for people to pray for me because I have been having such a hard time with the miscarriage (and I CRIED! I haven't cried about it in forever...) and I think it really has been helping! The power of prayer is AMAZING! Now I just have to get them to pray for me to get preggers hehehe

In TMI news, I started AF this morning, and I went to my old Babycenter board to see when I started last month, and my cycle was only 27 days!!! OMG! I've been having 35+ day cycles, and that was close to 28! I'm ecstatic. Hopefully that means my body is getting back to normal. I've read that after a miscarriage your body can take up to 6 months to get back to normal. It's been almost 6 months, so I guess it is true! Only one more month till we "try" again, although we haven't done anything differently, but whatever ;)

I'm going to start watching my friend's baby at the end of the month. I went by there yesterday, and that baby is the cutiest little baby in the WORLD!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks!!! He's adorable!!!

27 days until I get to see my nieces!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

Taking A Break

Sooo if you saw the last post, I had a busy busy weekend, so I have 18 ICLW comments to do today! I have done.... 1. Hahaha! If you don't know what ICLW is, check out the yellow rectangle on my sidebar. It's fun ;)

So this month and next month I WILL NOT be TTC. Not like I would get pregnant anyways (Sorry sarcasm Katie came out...). "WHY?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" You may say... WELL my BFF forever is getting married on June 6th, 2009. If I get preggers this month (hahahaha! Sorry, expect sarcasm a lot this post), my EDD would be THE WEEK of her wedding. NO WAY am I missing her wedding or am I going to be 9 months pregnant and absolutely miserable in a Charleston outside summer wedding in a tight little (beautiful!!) bridesmaids dress that she has chosen. So this month and probably next I'm not TTC.

Wow. That is weird... You know, this journey has only been 6 months long... It feels like forever. I am so so lucky to have been pregnant at least once. I wish it had a better outcome, but I loved that little baby more than anything in the world. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Right? I believe so. I was happier that week than I have been in my entire life and I wouldn't take that joy away for anything.

I hope that I can have as much excitement and joy the next time I get pregnant and not be a nervous wreck the whole time. I want to be naive and happy again!!

So I need some plans for the next two months. Something to take my mind OFF of TTC and make my life better for a future TTC and baby!

1. Start working out again. When I got PG I was so fit and happy about it!
2. Start eating right. I eat like crap. I might make today my last day to go to McDonald's and enjoy a unhealthy rat-mcnugget!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT! I have been to scared and nervous about it, and I really need to have it done before I bring a baby in this world. So here we go! After my trip to McD's, I will crack a book... Or not. Tomorrow I will ;)
4. Become Sleeping Beauty. Brush my teeth and wash my face every night before bed.
5. Save some money. Hmm 10% of each paycheck?
6. Get my oil changed. It's been over a year.... oops
7. Go away with my husband! I won't be able to for a while after a baby!
8. May be look around for another part time job. I don't get enough hours at the hospital. This one may be a far stretch. That's what the "May be look" is for!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!! I think that is pretty self explanatory! Pregnant ones included!
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant. That might take a little more effort than the rest, but I want to do it!
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. I would have super uterus by now if I had taken my prenatals every day for the past 5 months! And I have to stop forgetting the prozac. Not having it makes me non-functional.
13. Be old Katie again!!

Yaay I am SO excited!!!!! (OMGosh I just realized! 13 is my lucky number! This will be GREAT!)

The Sun Will Come Out..... Tomorrow?

I'm feeling a little bit better than the last post. If I don't think about it, then I'm fine!

I really think that my husband thinks I am crazy. I never want to tell him how I feel about it anymore because I know what he will say. "There's a reason for this. God will give us a baby when He wants to. It's just not the right time." Blah blah blah.

I don't think people realize why I get upset. I think it is pretty cut and dry. Yes, TTC SUCKS and it's frustrating, but I get sooo soo mad and upset because I SHOULDN'T BE TTC! I SHOULD ALMOST BE IN MY 3RD TRIMESTER! How hard is that to understand? So when I get sad when I see pregnant ladies or little newborns or get invited to a baby shower, it's not because I want to be pregnant. It's because I WAS AND NOW I'M NOT.

It's pretty annoying :)

Thankfully I have my babycenter and blogsphere people. Y'all know ;)

As for the title.... It's raining icky outside. No sun. But it will come out sometime soon, right? And hopefully the old happy Katie will too. I was just thinking the other day how I don't think I have been truly happy since I lost my baby. Though, I don't know if I was ever as happy as I was when I was pregnant before I got pregnant (if that makes sense...). It's so so weird because I don't remember life before I got pregnant. It seems like a totally different person. I don't know if that is bad or good, but I was just a different person. I know when people fall in love they say "I don't know how I lived without you". It's kinda like that. Except now, I don't know how to function really.

I think I am taking this miscarriage A LOT A LOT A LOT harder than I should be. I feel like I am one of those woman who lost their babies at 40+ weeks in utero or in labor or 2 hours later. I shouldn't feel this absolutely beat to the core, should I? I started my Prozac again last night so may be that will help. It might just be my own chemical imbalance haha

Ugh I hate sounding so depressed!!!! Ummm something happy something happy..........

Me and Regan almost 2 whole years ago!!! Jordan was only a few days old!! (Regan and Jordan are my nieces, the absolute LOVES of my life! Taken away by their stupid Army daddy to Missouri in May!)

Do Dreams Really Come True?!

My mother always told me never tell a bad dream before breakfast or it will come true.

Well I have told 2 people this dream so far, and this blog will hopefully tell one bajillion more!

I had a dream I was pregnant again!

I have had a few of those in the past couple months, but this one was so real!! I dreamed I was walking around Nordstroms (NEVER been there! Don't even know how I know of that place) and it was a baby store and my husband and I were picking stuff out with another couple friend of ours who was pregnant with a boy. Hehehehe She's not even close to wanting to get pregnant, but I thought that was funny. Then I started cramping so we left. But I check my underwear (WEIRD HUH?!) and it was okay. So we went home. And I texted a couple friends and said "We are pregnant again! Pray that this one will work out!" Work out? Like it was a job offer or something? :)

So there is my dream. I'm telling it before breakfast so it will come true! Now that I have had the dream, I am in that "HAVE TO GET PREGNANT" state. I need to stop. There is nothing I can do about it. It will happen when it happens. I woke up this morning having major anxieties about old medical bills (migraine, CT, and miscarriage bill) and an old Target credit card and my husband's and my student loans. I'm thinking about doing a debt consolidation. But there was nothing I could do at 5am, but I was totally freaking out.

I think I need to start my Prozac up again.

My US (Part Two) & Other Musings

My doctor called me back this morning. YAAY! She said my pap in April, my bloodwork a few weeks ago, and my US yesterday all looked normal. She said that there was a tiny cyst on my right ovary, most likely from ovulating.

Hmm. Ovulating?

That would mean I ovulated on time... ME?!?!

But she said it was all okay so I would see her in October for my next pap.

Soooo.... I was happy until DUH I realized the reason we did all that was because of my crazy luteal phases. But if I ovulated on time this month then it's okay...

October is just 2 cycles away. I'll just sit back and do what I have been doing. I told my husband that our chances of concieving this month were probably thrown out the window because the Dr told me to have sex every 3rd day and we've been having sex, like 3 times a day... Not really 3. May be a slight exaggeration. But still. OR JUST MAY BE this month since I haven't been worrying about it, it will work out.

But if you conscientiously make an effort NOT to worry about it, does it count when I think about not worrying about it?

Something to think about...

As for non reproductive related news, I finished "Something Blue" last night. I read it in one day!! It was SO good! (Carrie- It gets much better, and so does Darcy!) I also "taught" in the nursery at VBS last night. And in "taught" I mean held a 3 month old baby and she feel asleep in my arms and I never put her down for 2 hours. I loved it. I really really wanted to just take her home with me. Her mother had PCOS and stopped trying and VA LA! Oops. That's reproductive related...

oh wait.... it IS fun!!!

Soooo the doctor told me to only BD every 4th day and when I THINK I MIGHT be Oing, BD every 3rd day. Sperm live in your body for 5 days, so every 3rd day will get it. And you want enough to be potent and 3 days gives your man enough time to stock up. HA! Someone telling me to do one thing obviously has just done something to my BRAIN! IDK what it is, but I want it every minute of every day. We have DTD like 7 times in the last 9 days. It's ridiculous!!!! It's like I'm a dang teenager or something. You tell me not to do something, and dang you if I'm going to listen!!!

Honestly, I think it is the lack of stress. She told me to quit the OPTs and is running these tests on me so I will now if I am having a problem or not within the month. I think the weights lifted from my shoulders have just made a huge difference in ME. When I got pregnant the first time, we were just having FUN, kinda tinkering with the idea of trying to get pregnant. This month I don't even know what CD I'm on!!!! I'm not even using a ticker on my BBC board!!!

It's amazing what a little not worrying can do for your love life. And I will say this too, my DH is NOT backing up my doctor. He pretty much just lets me do as I please.... Men....

So why the title of the blog?

Well I hear all my friends say "OMG getting pregnant was sooo easyy!!!" I watch friend after friend get pregnant in a matter of the time it takes to tie a shoe. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes at me when I was pregnant in a week.

Okay so. I got pregnant. That's supposedly half the battle right? I guess so.

So when I made the decision to TTC again (probably for the wrong reasons, but we'll get to that...) I figured HEY! Lots of people get pregnant INSTANTLY after a m/c! This will be CAKE!

Yeah. Until cycle 2 came 3 days early, cycle 3 came 5 days late at 11 days luteal phase and cycle 4 came 4 days late at 6!!! luteal days. Wow. My body isn't even giving my baby a dang chance to implant if she wanted to!!!

The stress of OPTs and luteal phases is just too much. And if I see one more stupid BFN I'll be ticked.

So this month I am just doing what the doctor ordered. Sex every 4th day. NO OPTs! And when I THINK I'm Ovulating, bump it up to every 3rd day.

I'm ready to not have TTC taking over my life. I have just come to realize that I am in no way shape or form over my miscarriage. Half of me wants to get pregnant NOW so I will be pregnant and happy on November 30th, my due date for my angel baby. It's going to be hard, and I think it will be harder without another miracle keeping my mind off of it...

I've met some amazing support on my BBC thread. I love those girls to pieces! I don't know WHAT I would have done without them! They have really helped me through this. We are all in the same boat. Miscarriages in the spring. Losing our Fall babies. Half of us are pregnant again (SOOO happy for them) and the other half is just trucking along. Half of that half are having fertility problems (I'm going to just throw myself in the category for sake of the conversation. I'm getting medical attention, so that is enough for me) and the other half is split into girls on break from yet another m/c, vacation, health insurance or piece of mind, and girls that just are getting AFs every month and just taking it in stride.

I would just throw myself into a category of most women. Takes up to a year to get pregnant. but with these short luteal phases, something is up. And I need some answers. STAT.

Really all I want in the world is to be 21 weeks pregnant. I have 3 girlfriends that found out they were pregnant the week I did. They just found out the sexes (1 boy, 2 girls) and are feeling their babies kick for the first time. Those are some lucky ladies right there. OH MY GOSH what I wouldn't give to have my baby back....

It's crazy how attached I felt in such a short time. That just proves the amazing love a woman has for her child. You never know it until you have it. I wish I could have it back.

My Introduction

Well here I am. Totally in awe of the amazingly huge world of infertile bloggers.

I'm Katie. I'm not infertile (that I know of) but I have been through a loss and now frustrating cycles while TTC again.

In December 07 or so I stopped taking BCPs because I was tired of them. My migraines and heart arrhythmias stopped. In February my husband and I decided to start not preventing getting pregnant.

There it was. A huge decision. Our lives would forever be changed.

One week later I realized I had missed my period. And 1 light line, 1 BFN, 2 BFPs and 3 days later, I was the happiest, and so I thought most fertile, woman in the entire world.

I had a glow. I was so incredibly happy. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I had MY BABY inside of me and I was going to love that thing more than anybody cold imagine. Heck, I already DID!

I had names picked out, had heartburn, nausea, and a plan for the nursery. I was on cloud nine with a bottle of TUMS. All in the matter of 4 days my life took this major huge change. Little did I know, that I was right. My life would never be the same again.

Saturday I woke up feeling kinda bad. I wasn't happy one little bit. I went to the bathroom and BAM. Bright red blood. And from that moment I KNEW it was over. I went over to my MILs house and she called my doctor for me. They just told me to rest. It was normal. Blah blah blah. But it wasn't. I was cramping, and I knew deep down it was allll over. A couple trips to the bathroom ended in bowls full of blood and clots. I went to the ER where one of the worst parts of the whole journey took place. The doctor said I was never pregnant. My levels couldn't possibly dropped so low in such a short time. He continued to talk and talk, but I heard nothing. My ears felt like they had cotton balls in them. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. All I knew was that it was over. my baby was dead, and from what he was saying, I was crazy. The nurse told me to stop crying, nothing bad had happened, and told my husband and mother to take me to get an ice cream sundae and I would be allll better.

I was sure I had lost my mind. One second I was cussing the doctor saying he had no idea what he was talking about. I KNEW I was pregnant before I even missed my period. I had this FEELING. I KNEW when I woke up that morning that I wasn't anymore. The next second I was sure I needed to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital, that I had wanted this baby so bad that I had a hysterical pregnancy and I had lost my mind.

When i got home I threw all my pregnancy books, ripped them to shreds, kicked over my husband's golf clubs and cried and cried. Then I got on the internet and looked up miscarriages, where I learned about Chemical Pregnancies. Where the baby is fertilized, but doesn't attach all the way. therefore, making enough HCG to produce a BFP but once expelled, the hormones go right on with it, explaining my negative pregnancy tests at the ER. I called my doctor back and she confirmed my findings. I felt at ease. I knew I wasn't that crazy. But then, oh wait, my baby was dead.

How could this happen to me? I was always a good girl! Sure I drank a little in high school. Who didn't? I didn't do drugs and I didn't have sex with lots of people. I got married young at 19 to a man whom I loved and loved me back. We had a rocky first couple years, and then became the greatest couple ever. We can make it through anything. He is my absolute rock. I had a great marriage to give to a child. I had a house with a nursery for my child. I had a college degree to pay for food for my child! My child had living wonderful grandparents. This baby would have everything she ever needed. May be if I got drunk and slept with a crack dealer and smoked my whole entire pregnancy I would have had a healthy baby. I don't know. And I never will.

All I know is that God has His plan. I don't necessarily agree with them all the time, but I have to just trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing.

So here I am. 4 months later. still absolutely devastated with the loss of this baby. I feel silly. I only carried her for 5 weeks. I've seen people on BBC carry their babies 40 weeks and lose them! But I loved that baby with all my heart. I was happier those few days then I have been my entire life. I had names and plans for this baby. And all in a couple of hours my dreams, hopes, and happiness came crashing down.

4 months later. Irregular cycles. 6 day luteal phases... What's a girl to do? I went to my doctor Monday and she did some blood work and I am having an US on August 4th to check for fibroids. She offered me some progesterone, but said it can increase chances for ectopic. I figured for my sanity I would hold off on that until the results came back.

So here is my story. And here will be my journey. Hopefully it will be short, but I know it will all be bittersweet.