Thursday, July 24, 2008

So why the title of the blog?

Well I hear all my friends say "OMG getting pregnant was sooo easyy!!!" I watch friend after friend get pregnant in a matter of the time it takes to tie a shoe. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes at me when I was pregnant in a week.

Okay so. I got pregnant. That's supposedly half the battle right? I guess so.

So when I made the decision to TTC again (probably for the wrong reasons, but we'll get to that...) I figured HEY! Lots of people get pregnant INSTANTLY after a m/c! This will be CAKE!

Yeah. Until cycle 2 came 3 days early, cycle 3 came 5 days late at 11 days luteal phase and cycle 4 came 4 days late at 6!!! luteal days. Wow. My body isn't even giving my baby a dang chance to implant if she wanted to!!!

The stress of OPTs and luteal phases is just too much. And if I see one more stupid BFN I'll be ticked.

So this month I am just doing what the doctor ordered. Sex every 4th day. NO OPTs! And when I THINK I'm Ovulating, bump it up to every 3rd day.

I'm ready to not have TTC taking over my life. I have just come to realize that I am in no way shape or form over my miscarriage. Half of me wants to get pregnant NOW so I will be pregnant and happy on November 30th, my due date for my angel baby. It's going to be hard, and I think it will be harder without another miracle keeping my mind off of it...

I've met some amazing support on my BBC thread. I love those girls to pieces! I don't know WHAT I would have done without them! They have really helped me through this. We are all in the same boat. Miscarriages in the spring. Losing our Fall babies. Half of us are pregnant again (SOOO happy for them) and the other half is just trucking along. Half of that half are having fertility problems (I'm going to just throw myself in the category for sake of the conversation. I'm getting medical attention, so that is enough for me) and the other half is split into girls on break from yet another m/c, vacation, health insurance or piece of mind, and girls that just are getting AFs every month and just taking it in stride.

I would just throw myself into a category of most women. Takes up to a year to get pregnant. but with these short luteal phases, something is up. And I need some answers. STAT.

Really all I want in the world is to be 21 weeks pregnant. I have 3 girlfriends that found out they were pregnant the week I did. They just found out the sexes (1 boy, 2 girls) and are feeling their babies kick for the first time. Those are some lucky ladies right there. OH MY GOSH what I wouldn't give to have my baby back....

It's crazy how attached I felt in such a short time. That just proves the amazing love a woman has for her child. You never know it until you have it. I wish I could have it back.

4 people that love me told me so:

Amanda said...

I understand your pain, and I can tell you that even when you have another baby, you'll think back wistfully to the one you lost. Holidays, due dates, the babies of your friends -- there will always be some shadow of your baby left behind. I wish you were 21 weeks pregnant, too.

familyoftwo98 said...

Welcome,

I just suffered a miscarriage in May. Like you started the very next cycle after I was "forced" into a month off. AF came 14 days post ovulation. Yet I hoped to be one of those who got pregnant immediately.

You are NOT alone! Its hard to watch belly's grow, and babies be born when all we continue to carry is the memory of what should have been.

seriously? said...

Hi welcome. I found you on Lost and Found. It took me quite a while to admit how not over my loss I was. I faked it for a while telling everyone I was fine, it happens to a lot of people. I proceeded to lose it a few months later. My due date was in June. That was pretty hard. It also too my body quite a few months to have a normal length period.

You never have to forget your first baby. My mom still talks of hers that were lost 33 years ago. Best of luck in your TTC journey!

Amy said...

I'm here from Lost and Found, and I completely relate to your post. My due date should have been Dec. 11, and it's been so hard watching those that got pregnant just before and just after I did to grow healthy babies in their swelling bellies.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I understand not being over it; I'm certainly not. I know it's lonely, but you're not alone.

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