Eli!

A few weeks ago I posted about a friend being on bed rest. She was admitted into the hospital on STRICT bed rest at 23 weeks weeks with preterm labor and an incompetent cervix.

Yesterday, after being dilated 6cm and having contractions for DAYS, she gave birth to little Eli, 3 lbs 6 oz and was 16 1/4 inches long at 29w2d! He was born CRYING!

He is only on room air and a CPAP. His CPAP pressure has been decreased from 6 to 4 and if he continues on this AMAZING track, he'll just be on a nasal canula in a couple days! He is also sucking on a pacifier! He's doing GREAT and I couldn't be happier for Nicole and her husband Matt!

Nicole is seriously my hero. She had the most positive attitude on bed rest for 6 weeks. She never stepped a foot outside the month of July. She was still in great spirits when she was dilated 6cm for days and days, having contractions on and off. she's truly a testament on you will will do ANYTHING for your child. I didn't hear her complain ONCE!

Thank you everyone for prayers and advice you gave me and Nicole. I am so so thankful that Eli is so healthy and hopefully his NICU stay will be short and sweet and she will get to take her beautiful healthy boy home VERY soon!



If you would like to leave Nicole any love, you can comment here or her Twitter (@anmdils)! Thanks :)

UPDATE August 6th! Eli is OFF of ALL breathing assistance and breathing ON HIS OWN without a nasal cannula, oxygen, ANYTHING! He is getting breastmilk through his feeding tube and Kangaroo time with his mommy! He's doing amazing! Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes!

Feeling Blue + an IMPORTANT update!

I've just been feeling a little blue. For one, I had morning sickness today. WTF is up with that?! I'm almost 17 weeks! Don't mix grapes and Capri Sun...

I'm really bummed about not showing. Like I said, I'm almost 17 weeks, and I'm ready for a baby belly. I think I'm just having a really hard time getting excited. I really don't believe that this will happen. Do you ever get that feeling? I remember in high school about to graduate "this will never ever happen. I can't believe it. something bad will happen, I won't graduate." Then when I was in xray school I remember the semester before we started clinicals, "This will never happen. I can't see myself at clinicals. Something's going to happen." That's how I feel about this baby. I really don't see this happening at all. I don't know if it's the twin thing or what. I felt totally excited at the beginning of my pregnancy, but now, I just don't. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I love reading about what he's doing every week and how big he is (even though you can't tell...) and I love seeing him on an US. But besides that, I feel nothing. I'm just ready to start showing and start feeling him move around. May be then it will feel more real to me?

Here is my 16-17 week belly picture. Nothing exciting. LOL. The little munchkin is where my hand is. The girls on my BBC board (who are 85% all mommies and most seem to have forgotten what it feels like to be a freaked out pregnant girl) say my uterus goes up to my belly button, no matter where the baby is. I beg to differ, because I've had an upset stomach for a week, 2 weeks now and that is definitely all bowel and it's moving a LOT. I've always had a bit of a pooch, and I look skinnier than ever!


The only thing I can guess is that God is going to give me one of those little little bellies so that people don't say "Are you SURE you're not having twins?!" Cause I will beat someone if they ask me that. "Yes I'm sure! Well there ARE two in there, but one's DEAD and has been since month 2! Anymore questions asshole?!" I don't think God wants that to happen, so may be I'll just be a tiny cute girl. I'm totally fine with that I suppose!

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UPDATE!!
My Doctor's office called and said that my 2 part bloodwork (is that the triple screen? I so wasn't paying attention...) is back and normal! Baby is good! YAAAY! There is something to be NOT blue about. I really had no doubt that he was, but I wanted to partake in the testing because it included the US ;) It also showed that I'm anemic. I've always been borderline, but now I guess little butt is sucking away what I have left! As long as he has what he needs, that's just fine!

I also received my GIVEAWAY that I won from The Southern Belle Baby. I'm soooooooooo excited about the wheel because it tells me when I'll be certain weeks and when certain tests are and my due date and how preggo I'll be on my birthday (38 weeks, 5 days...) and Christopher and I can't stop playing with them at the Dr's office. Now we have our own! I felt kinda bad for getting the fertility yoga DVD, but I may need it again soon, or I may give it to a friend. I'm not sure yet ;) Thanks so much Jessica!!!! (and her handwriting is as cute as her wittle baby belly! SUPER)

Nicole

My friend from my old BBC miscarriage/TTC board needs some prayers!

Last year she had a miscarriage, became pregnant again, and in November she went into PTL with her daughter at 26 weeks. Brie was born and passed not even 48 hours later. Nicole and her husband are pregnant again! She is now 23 weeks and started dilating and having contractions. She is now on strict hospital bedrest until the new baby boy makes an appearance.

She's nervous, obviously, and unfortunately with her awful history can't help but think about planning another funeral for another baby. She sounds to be in good spirits, especially after getting the news she can walk all the way to her inroom bathroom to pee instead of the bedside commode.

Please if you can spare some prayers send them her way. Her name is Nicole, her husband's name is Matt, and I don't think she has a name yet for her little man.

Also she's obviously pretty bored, and could use some ideas of some things to do. She has a Blackberry and surfing the Internet on it gets really old really fast (take it from me). The hospital has no Wifi. She's looking for some good book ideas! I want to send her a care package with some stuff to do, but I'm a little unsure of what to send! If you have been on bedrest, know someone who has, or just are really creative, please comment with some suggestions!

The Calm After The Storm

Hahahaha just kidding. I really thought I would get worse of a response from my post yesterday, but I didn't! I was really happy (happy? I'm never happy that we are in this situation) that a lot of other people felt the same as I did. As for the handful of comments against my view, I am glad to read them. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't feel that way. Like one of the women said, that is the beauty of our sisterhood. I also do understand that I am young and I am at the beginning of this possible years long journey, and for that I am grateful.

Going through a miscarriage I know how it feels. And I will never ever know how it feels never to get pregnant. And those who have never ever gotten a positive pregnancy test will never ever know how it feels to have a miscarriage. So we could go on forever, but we may just have to agree to disagree. I can't think of anything worse to experience in this subject, but that's me!

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Anyways, onward!!! Let's talk about the hubster's SA. He did well, didn't take too long. Hehehe this makes me laugh EVERY TIME I picture it. The boy sat on his knees on the floor because he didn't want to sit on the couch. He said he couldn't imagine all of the naked butts that sat on that couch and when the last time it had been wiped down. So he sat on his knees! I can't help but laugh! Then my BBC friends said they all helped their husband's with there's... I sat that one out because he isn't allowed porn at home so he was like a kid in a candy store. I let him have his fun.

It was also kinda nice to be somewhere where people knew what I was going through and deal with this every day. I really liked the clinic, so I know if I have to start going there as a patient I will feel comfortable.

They said we should get the results within 4 days. If we haven't heard by then, I have to call my doctor's office and get the results. I know my doctor's office and I'm sure I'll be calling them Friday. May be I'll just call them tomorrow... I'm impatient!

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I also want to welcome my BEST FRIEND Emily, she officially found my secret blog. I love her, and have been dying to tell her about it, but she outsmarted me and found it herself. Yaaay Emily :) (She's the one getting married, to all you old-bies)

Also, my 2 friends that got pregnant at the same time, that I may have mentioned toward the very beginning of my blog (you know, when I found out they were both pregnant the same weekend and cried and cried? yeah that one) are in labor today! I am so excited for them and I CAN NOT WAIT to meet Taylor and Elizabeth!

I'm probably going to make some enemies...

I'm probably going to make some enemies with this post, but it's my blog and I'll say what I want.

I'm having a great time with ICLW this time. It's been a little while since I have done it, and I am enjoying seeing some blogs I didn't before. Some of the stories are AMAZING.

However I have seen a little trend in blogs and on babycenter alike. Women that have never gotten pregnant and they are MAD that they haven't had a miscarriage. Are you freaking kidding me??? For example, there is a girl on babycenter and her signature says "No angels, no m/c, no BFP EVER!".(I have not been back) Holy cow. Would you like to have a dead baby??? I know infertility hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's not fair, it's frustrating, it hurts a lot. BUT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD hurt EVEN CLOSE to how bad it hurt when I lost my baby.

I don't give a rats butt if I had an early miscarriage. All I've ever wanted to be in my whole entire life was a mommy. I wanted to get married young and have lots of babies. I have people tell me that all the time that they remember when I was little that that's all I ever wanted to be. I love babies more than anything. I have been surrounding myself with kids for as long as I can remember. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest girl on earth. I fell immediately insanely unconditionally in love with that baby. I didn't stop smiling ONCE. I was FINALLY going to be a mommy and I was finally going to have a baby of my OWN. And then when that was just ripped away from me I almost died. I wanted to DIE. I was absolutely uncontrollably SAD that I can't even sit here and explain it.

I know I have a long way to go to be in some of these people's shoes, TTC for years and such, and I know it's shitty and I am so so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this. But I would rather not be able to get pregnant for a long time than ever go through what I went through. I probably sound really naive, but people that actually complain about not having a miscarriage, never having seen a BFP??? SERIOUSLY? You can HAVE my BFP and all the months I cried at a drop of the hat and all the months that my body has been screwed up and the friends that have babies that were born when mine was supposed to. Go ahead. Look at their pictures and pretend that you are happy for them when YOUR baby is supposed to be doing the exact same thing. You can have all the times I flushed my baby down the toilet that week. You can have all the times I had to tell people "oh I'm not pregnant anymore" and you can have all the guilt I have for never knowing if my baby was really okay or killed by my body. Would you want some of my friends' situations?? Carry your baby for 40 weeks and have the baby die the week you're due? Or have the doctor tell you that there is no way your baby is going to survive and having to make the decision to go ahead a deliver? Go through labor and deliver your DEAD baby? Go to your 12 week US and see that your baby died THE DAY BEFORE? Have multiple miscarriages? Feel your baby move in an ambulance and by the time you get upstairs to L&D your baby no longer has a heartbeat? HAVE AT IT. Because it sucks and I don't want it, and I'm sure anyone who has been through it doesn't either.

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Okay so anyway! Christopher's SA is today! I think he's nervous now. He was okay with it until yesterday when he actually realized what he's going to have to do. But he's a trooper. He wants a baby as much, if not more, than I do.

Oops I Did It Again!

I am officially the most excited of ever ;)



As some of you may have noticed on the top left corner of the blog is a little widget boasting about how fabulous I am because I have tickets to see Britney Spears! WELL ONE CONCERT IS NOT ENOUGH DANG IT!

I am entering in a Britney-oake contest one week from tonight. I am ordering a red catsuit and I am learning the dance and going to kick some major Britney butt so I can see her twice. 2 times in 3 days! It's like the most fantabulous fantasy ever! I wish I could meet her... That would be even more great :)

Also, Ellen (who's music I'm LOVING right now!) and I have started a new BBC group for girls trying over a year with past losses. It's really annoying to hear fertile woman talk about how easy it is and infertile woman say "OMG I'VE NEVER HAD A MC OR BFP!!!" WTF??? You want my dead baby and the experience I had to go through with that? So we made a group for people dealing with infertility AND losses. If you're interested, let me know :) My name is sckatie on BBC!

I ALSO sign up for ICLW again this month. Wow I bombed the last time I did it, but I am going to try really really hard this time! I can't wait to meet some new blog friends and catch up with some old ones :)

Feeling Okay!

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. It comes in waves I guess. I went to a movie yesterday with my BFF and 2 other really great friend, the pregnant one included, and I loved on her cutie little baby belly. I was pretty proud of myself. I said SOMETHING silly teasing around and she started to say "Hey, if you want it you can.... (or something to that effect...)" pointing to her belly, and then I think she realized what she was saying and I just laughed and someone said something else. If I was in a "bad place" last night I would have said "SURE I'LL TAKE IT" but it didn't really bother me. IDK. It was weird!

But on my list of ways to better myself I put join a small group, and we did, and at the prayer request time I asked for people to pray for me because I have been having such a hard time with the miscarriage (and I CRIED! I haven't cried about it in forever...) and I think it really has been helping! The power of prayer is AMAZING! Now I just have to get them to pray for me to get preggers hehehe

In TMI news, I started AF this morning, and I went to my old Babycenter board to see when I started last month, and my cycle was only 27 days!!! OMG! I've been having 35+ day cycles, and that was close to 28! I'm ecstatic. Hopefully that means my body is getting back to normal. I've read that after a miscarriage your body can take up to 6 months to get back to normal. It's been almost 6 months, so I guess it is true! Only one more month till we "try" again, although we haven't done anything differently, but whatever ;)

I'm going to start watching my friend's baby at the end of the month. I went by there yesterday, and that baby is the cutiest little baby in the WORLD!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks!!! He's adorable!!!

27 days until I get to see my nieces!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

Rainy Days

It's all rainy and drab outside. Perfect weather to just be laying here and doing nothing!!!

Thanks for all the comments!! I love them! They make me feel a lot better!!!

So on my Babycenter board, one of the girls is an US tech, and she said that the cyst on my ovary means I haven't ovulated yet. When the cyst bursts is when you ovulate. SOOO I am less than 8 DPO. I am having all these symptoms though (sick to my stomach like I was when I was pg, tired, moody, HUNGRY, weird cravings) but if it is too early to see a BFP then wouldn't it be way to early to get symptoms??

I have worked almost 50 hours in the last 4 days. I'm so sleepy! I am so happy to have slept in this morning. Now I am starving to death and ready for some lunch! Yesterday I had a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes. YUM!

So why the title of the blog?

Well I hear all my friends say "OMG getting pregnant was sooo easyy!!!" I watch friend after friend get pregnant in a matter of the time it takes to tie a shoe. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes at me when I was pregnant in a week.

Okay so. I got pregnant. That's supposedly half the battle right? I guess so.

So when I made the decision to TTC again (probably for the wrong reasons, but we'll get to that...) I figured HEY! Lots of people get pregnant INSTANTLY after a m/c! This will be CAKE!

Yeah. Until cycle 2 came 3 days early, cycle 3 came 5 days late at 11 days luteal phase and cycle 4 came 4 days late at 6!!! luteal days. Wow. My body isn't even giving my baby a dang chance to implant if she wanted to!!!

The stress of OPTs and luteal phases is just too much. And if I see one more stupid BFN I'll be ticked.

So this month I am just doing what the doctor ordered. Sex every 4th day. NO OPTs! And when I THINK I'm Ovulating, bump it up to every 3rd day.

I'm ready to not have TTC taking over my life. I have just come to realize that I am in no way shape or form over my miscarriage. Half of me wants to get pregnant NOW so I will be pregnant and happy on November 30th, my due date for my angel baby. It's going to be hard, and I think it will be harder without another miracle keeping my mind off of it...

I've met some amazing support on my BBC thread. I love those girls to pieces! I don't know WHAT I would have done without them! They have really helped me through this. We are all in the same boat. Miscarriages in the spring. Losing our Fall babies. Half of us are pregnant again (SOOO happy for them) and the other half is just trucking along. Half of that half are having fertility problems (I'm going to just throw myself in the category for sake of the conversation. I'm getting medical attention, so that is enough for me) and the other half is split into girls on break from yet another m/c, vacation, health insurance or piece of mind, and girls that just are getting AFs every month and just taking it in stride.

I would just throw myself into a category of most women. Takes up to a year to get pregnant. but with these short luteal phases, something is up. And I need some answers. STAT.

Really all I want in the world is to be 21 weeks pregnant. I have 3 girlfriends that found out they were pregnant the week I did. They just found out the sexes (1 boy, 2 girls) and are feeling their babies kick for the first time. Those are some lucky ladies right there. OH MY GOSH what I wouldn't give to have my baby back....

It's crazy how attached I felt in such a short time. That just proves the amazing love a woman has for her child. You never know it until you have it. I wish I could have it back.