Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I'm probably going to make some enemies...

I'm probably going to make some enemies with this post, but it's my blog and I'll say what I want.

I'm having a great time with ICLW this time. It's been a little while since I have done it, and I am enjoying seeing some blogs I didn't before. Some of the stories are AMAZING.

However I have seen a little trend in blogs and on babycenter alike. Women that have never gotten pregnant and they are MAD that they haven't had a miscarriage. Are you freaking kidding me??? For example, there is a girl on babycenter and her signature says "No angels, no m/c, no BFP EVER!".(I have not been back) Holy cow. Would you like to have a dead baby??? I know infertility hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's not fair, it's frustrating, it hurts a lot. BUT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD hurt EVEN CLOSE to how bad it hurt when I lost my baby.

I don't give a rats butt if I had an early miscarriage. All I've ever wanted to be in my whole entire life was a mommy. I wanted to get married young and have lots of babies. I have people tell me that all the time that they remember when I was little that that's all I ever wanted to be. I love babies more than anything. I have been surrounding myself with kids for as long as I can remember. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest girl on earth. I fell immediately insanely unconditionally in love with that baby. I didn't stop smiling ONCE. I was FINALLY going to be a mommy and I was finally going to have a baby of my OWN. And then when that was just ripped away from me I almost died. I wanted to DIE. I was absolutely uncontrollably SAD that I can't even sit here and explain it.

I know I have a long way to go to be in some of these people's shoes, TTC for years and such, and I know it's shitty and I am so so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this. But I would rather not be able to get pregnant for a long time than ever go through what I went through. I probably sound really naive, but people that actually complain about not having a miscarriage, never having seen a BFP??? SERIOUSLY? You can HAVE my BFP and all the months I cried at a drop of the hat and all the months that my body has been screwed up and the friends that have babies that were born when mine was supposed to. Go ahead. Look at their pictures and pretend that you are happy for them when YOUR baby is supposed to be doing the exact same thing. You can have all the times I flushed my baby down the toilet that week. You can have all the times I had to tell people "oh I'm not pregnant anymore" and you can have all the guilt I have for never knowing if my baby was really okay or killed by my body. Would you want some of my friends' situations?? Carry your baby for 40 weeks and have the baby die the week you're due? Or have the doctor tell you that there is no way your baby is going to survive and having to make the decision to go ahead a deliver? Go through labor and deliver your DEAD baby? Go to your 12 week US and see that your baby died THE DAY BEFORE? Have multiple miscarriages? Feel your baby move in an ambulance and by the time you get upstairs to L&D your baby no longer has a heartbeat? HAVE AT IT. Because it sucks and I don't want it, and I'm sure anyone who has been through it doesn't either.

Okay so anyway! Christopher's SA is today! I think he's nervous now. He was okay with it until yesterday when he actually realized what he's going to have to do. But he's a trooper. He wants a baby as much, if not more, than I do.

16 people that love me told me so:

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Thank you! Some people just don't clue in. If I hear one more person whine about having never seen a bfp I'm going to mail them one of mine (yes I still have them) along with the pics from my u/s showing an empty sac!

alicia said...

wow I didn't know there were that many ppl making comments like that. I guess ppl just forget to put themseleves in others shoes, and don't realize how hurtful their comments are! like all the ppl that say those stupid things to infertile ppl, ohh just relax, why not just adopt, blah blah!

hugs! good luck with the sa!

Kim said...

Wow, some people will never get it. I have not come accross one of these people yet but when I do I will probably have a word or two (polite and with the intention of giving them a bit of education, of course) for them.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Ok I hear where you're coming from I really do but you have to remember that struggling wtih infertility is hard one, different people suffering from different things for different amounts of time.

I've just had my FOURTH miscarriage (as in yesterday) but it's only my second official BFP because I miscarried the first two times before I could do a positive pregnancy test.

I've been ttc for near on 10 years...could you imagine how disheartening it would be in all that time if I'd never managed to fall pregnant EVEN ONCE? Never seen a positive pregnancy test, no matter what I tried, I'd never even been able to jump that first hurdle of falling pregnant?

Just like you no doubt like to vent about your problems, they too are entitled to vent about theirs. You're envious of people who have gone on to have healthy babies, well there are people who are envious of the fact that you've managed to at least fall pregnant. They aren't saying, they WISH they could at least experience a miscarriage, what they are saying is that at least you know you CAN fall pregnant, which isn't something they've been lucky to experience.

And YES, regardless of the fact that you lost the baby, you WERE lucky to have fallen pregnant. I've done it four times and everytime I count myself to be blessed...yes it hurts like hell when I miscarry but at least I know I can jump that first hurdle.

I'm not having a go but you need to understand that different people are in different "stages" of infertility....someone who has been trying for years and never managed to get pregnant, IMO is doing it harder than me, who has at least managed to fall but not hold onto her babies...at least I know I can.

It's good that you can vent about this though and I doubt you will make enemies, thats the beauty of the Sisterhood of Infertility, we don't judge each other because we're all dealing with it in our own ways...


KandiB said...

I feel the same way when people say, "well...at least you know you can get pregnant." That doesn't help AT ALL. That doesn't make me feel better. Or, "it was only 15 weeks." That doesn't make it easier! I'm with you...I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, even my worst enemy. It definitely puts a cloud over fertility (and pregnancy). ICLW

KandiB said...

I feel the same way when people say, "well...at least you know you can get pregnant." That doesn't help AT ALL. That doesn't make me feel better. Or, "it was only 15 weeks." That doesn't make it easier! I'm with you...I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone, even my worst enemy. It definitely puts a cloud over fertility (and pregnancy). ICLW

InfertileMadWoman said...

You know, at first when I read this I was a little irritated, and the more I thought about it the more sorry for you I feel....

Not to be a total asshole, but you come talk to me after you have tried everything in the book for 15 years, and never had a positive pregnancy test.

Sweetie you are still very young, and while I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone, you have a lot more time to get your dream come true. I had my daughter at 34 after 15 years of TTC or "living in hell", and I can tell you that yeah I wished more then once that I could just get pregnant.... I needed more then anything in the world to know that I could do that one little thing. I couldn't, and I won't ever concieve on my own. So while it may sound heartless to you, try for one second to put yourself in my shoes....

15 long years... only a few less then you have been alive.

Mo and Will said...

Here from ICLW.

It's so tricky. I hear exactly what you're saying. It matches exactly how I felt after miscarriages 1, 2, and 3. The LAST thing I wanted was another BFP if it wouldn't result in a live baby at the end.

Funny, how time changes things. Now, don't get me wrong. The agony of the miscarriages was intense. But now that it's been 9 months since i've been able to get pregnant again, even with IVF, I realize that not getting the BFP is its own hell.

Basically both of them stink.

Hang in there.


CTagsGirl said...

I hear ya, sister. I think each pain (infertility and loss) is really unique and I'd never wish EITHER upon anyone. That comment/signiture just sounded like a complete lack of understanding, in my opinion.

Thanks so much for taking time to stop by my blog and comment. :) You totally made my day. Looking forward to catching-up on your posts and getting to know you better.


The Steadfast Warrior said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had two myself and am hoping to not experience a third. I understand your frustrations. I think the person on BBC doesn't quite put their ideas out there properly. I agree with Bodhi that I don't think they intended to come across as saying that they actually wanted a m/c.

I wish you healing. Losing a baby is truly one of the most difficult things someone can go through. I also hope you get to hold a baby in your arms. ICLW

Nic said...

I have not had a BFP, I have not had a m/c and I do not want one. I would rather never get pregnant if that was what would happen. It would destroy me. I know if and when I get pregnant I will be so over the moon and love that baby straight away. I would be the same as you. I am sorry you had to go through a m/c. I am sorry for your loss. It is something I hope never to experience. I wish no one had to experince it. It must be so awful, I cant even begin to comprehend what you went through

The Pifer's said...

Hey girl,

I have never had a BFP (ever)...I want one more than anything in the world. I stare at that pregnancy test month after month at every possible angle hoping and praying some sort of a line will pop up....nope never does.

Like some said, you are lucky to "know" you "can" get pregnant...I hate not knowing if I "can"...BUT I don't EVER want to experience a m/c. After 3 years of nothing, I don't know what I would do if my baby was ripped away from me after finally being able to see that BFP.

So although I am one who wants to at least be able to experience pregnancy and see a positive pregnancy test, I do not and could not imagine having a m/c.

Infertility is a nightmare in itself more less adding the sadness of a m/c.

'Murgdan' said...

I've never had a BFP, but I am HARDLY jealous of anyone who has and then had a miscarriage. I did put "never seen a BFP" on my introduction post, because it's just.simply.a.fact. I would rather never in my life get pregnant than to get pregnant and have a miscarriage, but it is a simple fact that I've never had a BFP. It is part of my journey just like miscarriage is a part of yours.

But I've never engaged in the 'which is worse' debate, because the fact of the matter is...having never been on the other side I could never, would never FATHOM to know what the other side is. I don't speak about things I have not experienced. I'm sure the 'grass is always greener on the other side'...but I'm pretty sure the true other side we are trying to reach is not the "never been pregnant" vs. "pregnant but miscarried"....I'm pretty sure the 'other side' we are all dreaming of is the side with a healthy baby. That is what I wish for all of us.

I am sorry that someone would ever say such a thing as "at least you got pregnant", I frankly can't even imagine someone THINKING such a thing.

I'm sorry you felt the need to write this. There are many women out there on many different journeys, and I have always found support in the blogosphere. I'm sorry you didn't.

This post made me sad. Am I, as someone who has never seen a BFP not 'worthy' to support my sisters who have suffered miscarriage? That is how this post made me feel. That I am not worthy to offer a hug or a word of kindness because I haven't ever known the pain.

Each journey has its own trials and tribulations...I'm sorry for your pain.

Katie said...

Murgdan- I am so so sad that you feel that way. That's absolutely NOT how I wanted anyone to feel after reading my blog. I simply am annoyed with the people who made that exact comment you couldn't imagine hearing "at least you got pregnant". I'm really sorry you were saddened by my post. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart!!!!!

Mrs. Olson said...

I know what you mean...I guess in a sense I can somewhat understand why that would be hard for people who have never had a m/c to understand, but on the flip side as someone who has m/c, I wish people would understand how painful and devastating it really is. Instead of comparing apples and oranges, lets just come to the conclusion that we all want the same thing...a healthy baby of our own.

B MoM said...

i'm late in the game. I'm a survivor of 2 BFPs and 2 m/cs. (Yup, no live babies). =( I understand exactly where you are coming from, but after all its said and done, I think I'm also very glad I had the 2 BFPs. I was able to love those babies for the very very short time they were with me. But everyone's right (and so are you), no matter what, we are all wanting to get to the other side of IF, which is to have a healthy beautiful child.

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