Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Sun Will Come Out..... Tomorrow?

I'm feeling a little bit better than the last post. If I don't think about it, then I'm fine!

I really think that my husband thinks I am crazy. I never want to tell him how I feel about it anymore because I know what he will say. "There's a reason for this. God will give us a baby when He wants to. It's just not the right time." Blah blah blah.

I don't think people realize why I get upset. I think it is pretty cut and dry. Yes, TTC SUCKS and it's frustrating, but I get sooo soo mad and upset because I SHOULDN'T BE TTC! I SHOULD ALMOST BE IN MY 3RD TRIMESTER! How hard is that to understand? So when I get sad when I see pregnant ladies or little newborns or get invited to a baby shower, it's not because I want to be pregnant. It's because I WAS AND NOW I'M NOT.

It's pretty annoying :)

Thankfully I have my babycenter and blogsphere people. Y'all know ;)

As for the title.... It's raining icky outside. No sun. But it will come out sometime soon, right? And hopefully the old happy Katie will too. I was just thinking the other day how I don't think I have been truly happy since I lost my baby. Though, I don't know if I was ever as happy as I was when I was pregnant before I got pregnant (if that makes sense...). It's so so weird because I don't remember life before I got pregnant. It seems like a totally different person. I don't know if that is bad or good, but I was just a different person. I know when people fall in love they say "I don't know how I lived without you". It's kinda like that. Except now, I don't know how to function really.

I think I am taking this miscarriage A LOT A LOT A LOT harder than I should be. I feel like I am one of those woman who lost their babies at 40+ weeks in utero or in labor or 2 hours later. I shouldn't feel this absolutely beat to the core, should I? I started my Prozac again last night so may be that will help. It might just be my own chemical imbalance haha

Ugh I hate sounding so depressed!!!! Ummm something happy something happy..........

Me and Regan almost 2 whole years ago!!! Jordan was only a few days old!! (Regan and Jordan are my nieces, the absolute LOVES of my life! Taken away by their stupid Army daddy to Missouri in May!)

4 people that love me told me so:

My name is Andy. said...

Try not to be hard on yourself. There is no right way to grieve, not right way to "get over something." You aren't taking it harder then you should, you are taking things your way.


BrandiH2007 said...

You deal with your loss how ever you need to. I known I'm once again having a hard time because my due date is approaching in a few days. It's impossible to forget, but painful to remember. You will get back to yourself and you will have days when you're not, but those days are OK too. I try not to think of it as "everything happens for a reason" but I tell myself that me going through the pain now, is better than my child going through it's whole life with pain because I didn't miscarry. Most MCs at that stage are due to growth defects. Think how much happier your baby is with wings than medical problems.

Best of luck!

alicia said...

what a cute video!!

I am glad you are doing better then yesterday, I think how ever you are feeling, how ever sad that is, is ok. you have experienced a loss, there is no use comparing yourself to others, cause everyone is different.

I am sorry you have gone through this, and I hope that you will be pregnant again soon!!

and thanks so much for finding my blog! I love new blog friends!! I will be checking in on you for sure.

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. I can feel your pain. I lost mine in Oct. 2007 at about the same time as you 5w3d.

I took the loss so hard. It really shocked me how hard I cried, how angry I got, how I couldn't spend time with pregnant people, babies, I didn't go to showers. Let yourself be, don't rush or try to feel better for the sake of anyone. Everyone feels these things differently.

I am thinking of you *HUGS*

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