Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What did I EVER do to the universe??

Cause the universe DEFINITELY is against me. Here are the reasons why in pretty little bullets. First time ever using...

  • My baby died. Duh.
  • One of my friend's that is due when I am sends me pictures and texts on a regular basis talking about how much longer she has left and how cute her belly is. I love her, and I love to hear, but sometimes it's a painful reminder.
  • One day I went to the cafeteria at work (I work at a hospital) and the pregnancy tour just ended and there were 10+ pregnant women in there.
  • One of my closest friends got pregnant on accident. Lucky.
  • Saturday I went to the cafeteria and remembered it was "PREGNANCY CELEBRATION" and there were 100+++ pregnant women celebrating their pregnancies and another 100+ newborns. Wow I really wanted to slit my throat this weekend.
  • Yesterday my CPR class teacher was pregnant and "due around Thanksgiving". Oh yeah, me too. But wait, my baby is dead. I ALMOST forgot.
  • Everyone and their mom are pregnant.
It's just annoying. EVERY ONE around me is pregnant! Thank GOD the last pregnant girl in our department had her baby. So the 8 pregnant girls are done. Time for a new cycle!!!!

My friend sent me a "medal" of a saint that was blessed by her priest. She said she got pregnant the first month she got hers. Well I put it in my bedside table since I am taking a break right now, and I haven't given it much more thought. The other day I rolled over and OMG THERE IT WAS! IN THE BED! Later I found out my husband grabbed the envelope to write a number really quick, but crap man. I was LAYING on it! Soooooo as pregnant as I want to be, I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. I immediately emailed my friend and blamed her for everything. hahahahahaha. It was really a funny experience, and I'm sure if I get pregnant this month, that'll be why!! I'm not catholic, so I don't really know what to do with it, but I am pretty sure rolling around on it while probably doing the deed will probably result in a baby in 9 months. We will see. Hey, it's not the worst thing that could happen!!!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I got a book called The Conception Chronicles. It looks funny. It better be KuKd funny, cause that is what I have in mind. You know, there is a Women's Health section, Pregnancy Section, but no Dead Baby section. It would be really nice if there was with some books, fiction and non fiction, available for me to skim through and buy! I like to realte to my characters, and I just wanted a book that I could cry and laugh through about the current things I am feeling. But I couldn't find any. So hurry up Monica and write your book :):)

7 people that love me told me so:

Monica LeMoine said...

OK KuKd dudette, I'll hurry up on that book. Your second bulleted item gets to me - the one of your friend sending you all these pics and news of her burgeoning prego belly. I assume she knows about your circumstance?

Here's my own personal perspective on that. I'm not saying you should feel this way, I'm simply saying this is how I've coped with such ignorant and hurtful behavior. Maybe it'll help you too.

I went through a period of being really pissy at friends who did that kind of sh*t. I wanted to be like, come ON people, don't you realize!! Granted it took me over a year, but finally I realized, people just don't know what KuKd feels like, and it's not their fault that they don't know. They simply have no capacity for understanding how their words and actions hurt, because KuKd is a sensation that nobody gets unless they've gone through it. And you, I'm sure, act like everything's hunky dory, becaue society expects us to get over this kind of thing and play nice.

Anyway, because they don't know, I came to realize that it doesn't do any good to blame them. Forgiveness, forgiveness. I had to look in the mirror and repeat that word over and over, trying to breathe in positive feelings so I had more to breathe out.

That said, MAN it still hurts!

OK I'll shut up now.

Katie said...

I know what you mean! Yes she knows aout my circumstance. One day she posted on myspace (right after the Kd) that she was having an ultrasound and I wrote her and said Good Luck and she said "Thanks I was nervous about posting it because I was afraid you would be upset". I said No WAY I'm really happy for you. I guess she took that as "Tell me every single detail and send me every picture you take!" IDK. Whatever. She is excited and I never would want to take that away from her. I usually just don't respond back when she texts me that kind of stuff!

Silver said...

I found it really hard to see PG women and be around them over the 11 years that we suffered through TTC. I hope you get a bit of a break from PG women for a while.

Take care

Michelle said...

I definitely know how you feel. I think everyone I work with is pregnant and talking about it or bringing in their brand new babies. It really makes me dread the day. Keep your head up and know there are a lot of us who know how you feel. Lots of hugs.

Anonymous said...

Yeah....all the pregnant women seem to come out in the masses when you are TTC. I'm beginning to think they have meetings and say "hey, I smell an infertile. We'll meet at XYZ place at 7pm to make her life miserable.". It's only a theory though. I've read the Conception Chronicles and thought it was cute. That was before I was officially infertile though. So I don't know how I would feel now. Anyway. I hope things start looking up soon, and enjoy the book! laura

Anonymous said...

Katie, hang in there, it sucks and I swear all of us who are KuKd can relate to the feeling of EVERYONE is pg or having babies except us!!!
With regards to your friend, just a tip, I've learnt that I need to tell people what I need form them during this KuKd time cos nobody really knows what I need. Telling my friends how I felt helped them to treat me in a way that was sensitive to my situation without ruining our friendships and by still having me invovled in their pregnancies but just at a level I could cope with.

alicia said...

a lot of infertitly books have sections on miscarriage, maybe those would help? sorry you are feeling the universe is against you, I hope things turn around for you soon.

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