Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Failure

It's so funny to me to watch myself go through the stages of grieving. I mean, I'm pretty much at the end, but when the miscarriage first happened, I remember the guilt, anger, and sadness feelings that I learned in school. It was weird to see myself going through all of those things. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get past all of this.

I am still so so so sad about losing my baby, but I don't think that is the big issue right now. I think I figured it out a little yesterday. I am really upset about being such a failure. I feel like a failure.

Let me start from the beginning of my reasonings. I always get what I want. Any guy I ever wanted bad enough, I got. Anything I want bad enough, I get. I'm a go getter. I will go and get whatever I want if my mind is set on it. I had the biggest crush on my husband when I was 17 and I told his mom and my mom that I was in love with him and we would get married one day. I knew the day I met my 10th grade boyfriend that we would go out. We were best friends for like a year, and then one day he came to his senses :) I wanted to get a boxer the day I got Maddox so bad that I drove 100 miles one way and when the guy didn't show up, I drove 100 miles the opposite way to get a different one. When I know I want something I go for it.

When I was growing up all I ever wanted to do was get married and have babies. I see people that I haven't seen in years and they ask how it's going and if I still want 8 kids. Okay, I don't think I want 8 anymore, but I do want to be a mommy! That is all I ever wanted in life was to be married, in love, with kids. I met the man of my dreams, and I love him more than I could ever imagine, so now it's kid time.

So we decided to get pregnant, and I was freaking pregnant when we decided and didn't even know it! I told you! I get what I want!

And then I lost her.

I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my husband, I have failed my parents and his parents, I failed giving my nieces a cousin, I failed my own dreams. I am a complete and utter failure. I mean, geez, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the dumb dog or 10th grade boyfriend, but my BABY?! It's like an extra slap in the face and punch in the stomach. My biggest fear now is that I will fail again. How in the WORLD could I make it through another loss? I don't think I could! I don't know how I would handle it. And not just in baby-making, everything! I am too afraid to do anything. Hence probably why I haven't taken that dang xray registry. I don't want to fail again. It sucks way too bad.

I sound like a spoiled little brat that gets everything she wants, but I don't mean to. Just being a mom is the one thing in life that I wanted to do more than anything else in the world and I failed at it. That is a major blow to the ego. it's like I suck at being a woman. Isn't that what women are supposed to do ultimately?! Women activists aside, a woman makes the babies. Okay, to be fair, I did make one... But I sure as heck couldn't seem to provide for it.

Not only did I fail myself and every one else, I failed my baby.

7 people that love me told me so:

alicia said...

hey hun, I have totally been in the place you are, for a little different reasons, but the same mind frame, becuase our infertility was due to my crap eggs, I felt responsible and terrible and guilty for having to put my husband and family through 2 years of fertility treatments to get PG. It took a while for me to forgive myself and realize that this crap is no ones fault, it just happens and it sucks, but there is no one to blame. You will get there too, I know it, it may not be right now, but soon. thinking of you!

Monica LeMoine said...

At risk of sounding like your know-it-all aunt, let me say this: you're not a failure - you're a human being, an essential part of something much greater - this great big fabric of humanity and mother earth. I believe this "greater thing" makes things happen for a reason, and you are now a wiser, stronger person because of what you've gone through. Stay strong and hug yourself, and go get yourself a pedicure.

Emily Bohlin said...

You are not a failure, if you were then I would be the biggest there is. I totally understand your feelings because I feel the same way. I have never gotten what I wanted, but I did get my precious little boy... I really wanted a girl but I needed this little boy. there is no one to blame (even though I wish there was) and we will get through this. When I lost the second one I was devastated .... I was not sure how we got through it but we did and we are stronger because of it. I just posted on the BBC board about things happening for a reason. I am not sure why we have been through the worst pain and experience of our life but I feel like there has to be a reason. We just need to Trust that god knows what he is doing and follow it. Trust is one of the hardest things to gain back once you have lost it. I fell like I am just now gaining that trust back. Trust your self to carry a baby without failing and trust your self enough to know that now matter what you are a very talented and smart person who is good at what they do. Go take that test and kick butt..... celebrate your success with dh and get a bfp......

sharonvw said...

Katie, I can so relate, its how I felt after my first miscarriage. The way you're feeling is normal, its part of the grieving process and also part of coming to terms with the loss. Its just one of the milestones on route to recovery.
I'm a lot like you are, thats also one of the reasons I battled so with my infertility and miscarraiges, because I always get what I want, determination is my middle name! :-)
But hang in there, chances are, it won't happen again, there are only a few freaks in the world like me and hopefully you won't be one of them. Remember stastically you have less than a 20% of having another mc.
All I can say is just go with the emotions, its important for healing.
(((Hugs)))

Charnè said...

i so can relate with this post and feeling like a failure... thanks for been so open an honest

hugs

xxx

Coach Louise said...

Hi Katie,

I found your post after reading Sharon's and posting on hers... My heart breaks when I read your words - I can really feel the pain coming through the words (and maybe the song that was playing on your site also had something to do with it) and felt moved to tears. I have been there, I had a miscarriage last year - and kept blaming myself - that it was my fault. Interestingly I learnt the other day, that if there are no other issues, that in the first 3 months generally there is something wrong with the baby which is why nature takes its course and flushes it out, where as if it happens in the 4th month onward that it is then some thing to do with the mother. And of course realising that it is no-one's fault! We are all doing the best we can do in the moment! None of us are perfect, but we are whole and as perfect as nature/God intended us to be in that moment. What are you successful at? You sound like such a lovely gregarious soul! You are certainly touching many people through your heart breaking experience. Hardly a failure in my opinion. Having a baby is not the sum of who you are - don't forget it!

lovingly
Coach Louise Crooks

http://lifebalanceinfertilitycoach.wordpress.com

eggdance said...

You are not a failure and you did not fail anyone. As simple as it sounds, sometimes bad things happen for absolutely no reason. I had a miscarriage too and I am coming up on what would have been my due date; I have done a lot of grieving over my lost pregnancy, and I'm sure that I still have some to do, but both of us are strong women and I am sure that we will be great mothers. Hang in there.

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