It's so funny to me to watch myself go through the stages of grieving. I mean, I'm pretty much at the end, but when the miscarriage first happened, I remember the guilt, anger, and sadness feelings that I learned in school. It was weird to see myself going through all of those things. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get past all of this.
I am still so so so sad about losing my baby, but I don't think that is the big issue right now. I think I figured it out a little yesterday. I am really upset about being such a failure. I feel like a failure.
Let me start from the beginning of my reasonings. I always get what I want. Any guy I ever wanted bad enough, I got. Anything I want bad enough, I get. I'm a go getter. I will go and get whatever I want if my mind is set on it. I had the biggest crush on my husband when I was 17 and I told his mom and my mom that I was in love with him and we would get married one day. I knew the day I met my 10th grade boyfriend that we would go out. We were best friends for like a year, and then one day he came to his senses :) I wanted to get a boxer the day I got Maddox so bad that I drove 100 miles one way and when the guy didn't show up, I drove 100 miles the opposite way to get a different one. When I know I want something I go for it.
When I was growing up all I ever wanted to do was get married and have babies. I see people that I haven't seen in years and they ask how it's going and if I still want 8 kids. Okay, I don't think I want 8 anymore, but I do want to be a mommy! That is all I ever wanted in life was to be married, in love, with kids. I met the man of my dreams, and I love him more than I could ever imagine, so now it's kid time.
So we decided to get pregnant, and I was freaking pregnant when we decided and didn't even know it! I told you! I get what I want!
And then I lost her.
I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my husband, I have failed my parents and his parents, I failed giving my nieces a cousin, I failed my own dreams. I am a complete and utter failure. I mean, geez, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the dumb dog or 10th grade boyfriend, but my BABY?! It's like an extra slap in the face and punch in the stomach. My biggest fear now is that I will fail again. How in the WORLD could I make it through another loss? I don't think I could! I don't know how I would handle it. And not just in baby-making, everything! I am too afraid to do anything. Hence probably why I haven't taken that dang xray registry. I don't want to fail again. It sucks way too bad.
I sound like a spoiled little brat that gets everything she wants, but I don't mean to. Just being a mom is the one thing in life that I wanted to do more than anything else in the world and I failed at it. That is a major blow to the ego. it's like I suck at being a woman. Isn't that what women are supposed to do ultimately?! Women activists aside, a woman makes the babies. Okay, to be fair, I did make one... But I sure as heck couldn't seem to provide for it.
Not only did I fail myself and every one else, I failed my baby.
7 years ago