I'm getting FIT!!

How you may ask?!

I got Wii Fit!!

OMG My fitness age was 41!!! I'm 23!!! LOL. Says my BMI and weight is average, but I still want to lose 9ish pounds. SO here's to staying on tract with my new fun video game that I called all over Charleston to find!

We're going camping this weekend, so you probably won't hear from me! Have a fun and safe labor day weekend!!

Blog Challenged

Okay... So...

How do I get a 3-column template?

OMG I got tagged!!!

SO I saw this girl got tagged.... followed the link... was reading her survey, saw my name as someone who was tagged, but figured it was another Katie I have read out there, but clicked the link because I was looking for that Katie's blog, and then BAM! There I was! In all my pink bloginess!! I got tagged by someone! WOO HOO I'm in with the popular crowd. First KuKd is writing me then I get tagged. I feel so loved. I've graduated to the table next to the cool table in the lunch room!!

A. Attached or single? Married!
B. Best friend? Christopher and Emily and my mommy
C. Cake or pie? My wedding cake. It was DELISH
D. Day of choice? A day that I don't have to work!
E. Essential item? My blackberry and laptop, with internet ;) and Formaldehyde disguised as diet pepsi/coke.
F. Favorite color? Pink
G. Gummy bears or worms? whatever I can steal from my 3 year old niece without her noticing
H. Hometown? Charleston, SC!
I. Indulgence? Target and Formaldehyde
J. January or July? July! I love the summer, and my anniversary is in July!
K. Kids? Angel. Trying. Duh.
L. Life isn’t complete without? My wittle puppy dogs
M. Marriage date? July 4th, 2004
N. Number of brothers & sisters? 1 BIL and his wife, my SIL
O. Oranges or apples? I like them both, but I LOVE Oranges!
P. Phobias? Alligators! OMG I don't even want to think about it!
Q. Quotes? "Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." -Rose Franken

R. Reasons to smile? Blog comments ;)
S. Season of choice? Summer!!!
T. Tag seven peeps! Ellen, Alicia, Amanda, Monica, Loren, Sharon, and Just a SAHW

U. Unknown fact about me? I can't decide if I like the dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds....
V. Vegetable? I LOVE raw veggies. I hate cooked ones. Bring on the broccoli!!! I eat the stalk too ;)
W. Worst habits? biting my nails, getting obsessive
X. X-ray or ultrasound? Umm well I take xrays for a living, so I guess I will have to pick that ;)
Y. Your favorite food? Mexican, pickles, pretzels, and peaches
Z. Zodiac sign? Capricorn

Yaaay that was fun ;) Had so much fun this ICLW week!!!!!

Yummy, Formaldehyde!!!

Well my first day on my list wasn't too bad! A friend of mine had her baby a few months ago and was wondering if I could keep him 2-3 days a week. Hey, I never work during the week, and I just put that on my list to look for a part time job! Woo hoo! I'm definitely considering it!

For lunch I got a Chic Fil A Caesar wrap and a fruit cup instead of french fries (I love french fries more than anything...) and a bottle of water instead of Diet Coke.

I quit Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi for a while right before I got pregnant too. That aspartame turns into formaldehyde in your body and that makes all those stupid little dimples in my butt. Learned that in Skinny Bitch! They didn't put it so lightly though... I think their exact words were (sorry for the language) "Scientists use it for disinfecting and preserving. They don't f*cking drink it! May be that's why you're *ss is so big is because you're preserving your fat cells!" Quitting formaldehyde combined with working out made me look HOT!!! earlier this year.

Yeah, but... Since I am mentally unstable right now, I think cutting out my aspartame caffeine addiction would just put it over the top. May be later. I mean, it's only like 1 or 2 a day. I WAS drinking like 5! In the Behavioral Health wing of the hospital I work in there is a smoking room for the patients. I went in there once to xray a woman who had swallowed 2 safety pins at her mental institution (is that the politically correct word??) and saw it. What HOSPITAL has a smoking area for its patients?! Exactly. If you can't take tobacco away from suicidal metal eaters in fear of... whatever, you can't take away my formaldehyde. I just love it tooooo much! Store all my fat cells if you want! That zingy feeling on my tongue is just too good!

Taking A Break

Sooo if you saw the last post, I had a busy busy weekend, so I have 18 ICLW comments to do today! I have done.... 1. Hahaha! If you don't know what ICLW is, check out the yellow rectangle on my sidebar. It's fun ;)

So this month and next month I WILL NOT be TTC. Not like I would get pregnant anyways (Sorry sarcasm Katie came out...). "WHY?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" You may say... WELL my BFF forever is getting married on June 6th, 2009. If I get preggers this month (hahahaha! Sorry, expect sarcasm a lot this post), my EDD would be THE WEEK of her wedding. NO WAY am I missing her wedding or am I going to be 9 months pregnant and absolutely miserable in a Charleston outside summer wedding in a tight little (beautiful!!) bridesmaids dress that she has chosen. So this month and probably next I'm not TTC.

Wow. That is weird... You know, this journey has only been 6 months long... It feels like forever. I am so so lucky to have been pregnant at least once. I wish it had a better outcome, but I loved that little baby more than anything in the world. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Right? I believe so. I was happier that week than I have been in my entire life and I wouldn't take that joy away for anything.

I hope that I can have as much excitement and joy the next time I get pregnant and not be a nervous wreck the whole time. I want to be naive and happy again!!

So I need some plans for the next two months. Something to take my mind OFF of TTC and make my life better for a future TTC and baby!

1. Start working out again. When I got PG I was so fit and happy about it!
2. Start eating right. I eat like crap. I might make today my last day to go to McDonald's and enjoy a unhealthy rat-mcnugget!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT! I have been to scared and nervous about it, and I really need to have it done before I bring a baby in this world. So here we go! After my trip to McD's, I will crack a book... Or not. Tomorrow I will ;)
4. Become Sleeping Beauty. Brush my teeth and wash my face every night before bed.
5. Save some money. Hmm 10% of each paycheck?
6. Get my oil changed. It's been over a year.... oops
7. Go away with my husband! I won't be able to for a while after a baby!
8. May be look around for another part time job. I don't get enough hours at the hospital. This one may be a far stretch. That's what the "May be look" is for!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!! I think that is pretty self explanatory! Pregnant ones included!
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant. That might take a little more effort than the rest, but I want to do it!
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. I would have super uterus by now if I had taken my prenatals every day for the past 5 months! And I have to stop forgetting the prozac. Not having it makes me non-functional.
13. Be old Katie again!!

Yaay I am SO excited!!!!! (OMGosh I just realized! 13 is my lucky number! This will be GREAT!)

Boys...

I worked 16 hours yesterday and just got to get on today (12:21am) and started to leave my ICLW comments and my husband is tossing and turning and complaining about the keys' noises, so I guess it's 18 comments tomorrow!!!!! :)

KuKd

Monica from Knocked Up Knocked Down kills me. She's so freaking hilarious. She's the kinda blog writer I like to read :)

She made a little pictorial of her KuKd journey, so I thought I would too!!! (Definitely read her blog for her definition of Knock Up, Knocked Down.)

awww fun Katie and her sister in law! February! No more BCPs, but not really thinking much about baby yet..... Just seeing what happens!! She's so happy and so carefree... I miss her... Fun Katie and SIL...

In Atlanta for a Rad Tech conference sending kisses home to my husband!!! March 2nd, month of KuKd. Totally oblivious to the HELL that will soon be falling into my lap (or toilet...) in less than a week. Aahhhh so naive... (Phone pic, sorry for quality!)

Almost Easter! At CVS getting our passport pictures done for our Rad Tech Registry applications. We were both pregnant here and didn't even know it yet!!!! (another phone pic!)

Awww pregnant me. All tired and knocked up... That is my niece Regan. Her mommy was buying a new car and I was trying to keep this hell-fire child sane and under control. I remember being so so so scared of picking her and her little sister up.... (once again, phone pic...)

One week after miscarriage. Ignore the date. It's wrong. Oh and look! It's Kelly! Still pregnant! Her baby shower is next weekend. She's having a boy. His name is Jarrett. Hmm. Wonder when my baby shower would be. What I would be having. What it's name would be?!

April 29th. One month after miscarriage. First totally drunken night after miscarriage. Huge giant miscarriage drunk meltdown alllllll the way home from Wild Wings! Isn't my husband hot?!

Maddox, possible whole-in-heart-filler-upper? Probably. If he didn't eat poop.


Sometime this summer. Just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant. On accident. Not planned. Has 2 kids already (one just turned 1). Totally happy for her, but now I'm pretty sure God is making me wait my turn through this long long line of people I know who have JUST had babies getting pregnant again before I'm up again. BTW that is a fake smile.

Few days ago trying on bridesmaids dresses with my BFF, bride-to-be, Emily. Looking like my normal Katie there. Very refreshing picture.... Real smile.

The Sun Will Come Out..... Tomorrow?

I'm feeling a little bit better than the last post. If I don't think about it, then I'm fine!

I really think that my husband thinks I am crazy. I never want to tell him how I feel about it anymore because I know what he will say. "There's a reason for this. God will give us a baby when He wants to. It's just not the right time." Blah blah blah.

I don't think people realize why I get upset. I think it is pretty cut and dry. Yes, TTC SUCKS and it's frustrating, but I get sooo soo mad and upset because I SHOULDN'T BE TTC! I SHOULD ALMOST BE IN MY 3RD TRIMESTER! How hard is that to understand? So when I get sad when I see pregnant ladies or little newborns or get invited to a baby shower, it's not because I want to be pregnant. It's because I WAS AND NOW I'M NOT.

It's pretty annoying :)

Thankfully I have my babycenter and blogsphere people. Y'all know ;)

As for the title.... It's raining icky outside. No sun. But it will come out sometime soon, right? And hopefully the old happy Katie will too. I was just thinking the other day how I don't think I have been truly happy since I lost my baby. Though, I don't know if I was ever as happy as I was when I was pregnant before I got pregnant (if that makes sense...). It's so so weird because I don't remember life before I got pregnant. It seems like a totally different person. I don't know if that is bad or good, but I was just a different person. I know when people fall in love they say "I don't know how I lived without you". It's kinda like that. Except now, I don't know how to function really.

I think I am taking this miscarriage A LOT A LOT A LOT harder than I should be. I feel like I am one of those woman who lost their babies at 40+ weeks in utero or in labor or 2 hours later. I shouldn't feel this absolutely beat to the core, should I? I started my Prozac again last night so may be that will help. It might just be my own chemical imbalance haha

Ugh I hate sounding so depressed!!!! Ummm something happy something happy..........

Me and Regan almost 2 whole years ago!!! Jordan was only a few days old!! (Regan and Jordan are my nieces, the absolute LOVES of my life! Taken away by their stupid Army daddy to Missouri in May!)

What about me?!?!

I had an okay weekend! Saturday I worked 16 hours. That was okay. Not too busy, but lots of crazy people!!!! Yesterday Christopher and I went to church and his cousin and his little girl came. Then we went to the water park.

Then we came home and I started doing snooping which I should never do. I learned that the girls that have the same due dates that I did are now planning their baby showers. So I missed feeling the baby moving the first time, finding out what the sexes were, and now baby showers. Fantastic. No other way to smear my dead baby in my face than parties!!

I mean, I know DUH they aren't doing this to hurt me, but it just is a huge kick right in the stomach.

Oh and I almost forgot. Seeing pregnant woman doesn't make me too sad much anymore. But Saturday I went to the hospital cafeteria to get lunch and the hospital must have done their Labor and Delivery tour, cause there they are were. 10+ pregnant woman all walking around me with their cute little bellies and happy little husbands. Seriously?!?!?!?! Sometimes I wonder just WHY that kind of crap happens to me. SERIOUSLY?! God couldn't have waited 10 minutes to send one or the other down there?!?! What's the deal? I'm having a hard enough time coping with this as it is I don't need bellies in my face. I've never actually been MAD at pregnant people as I was Saturday. I just wanted to yell at them and tell them to all go away.

Prayers Please!!!

A friend of mine had a baby Thursday! She was a month early, but already 6 pounds and perfectly healthy. She got stuck in the birth canal however and they had to use a vacuum to get her out and it caused a hematoma on her head and she had to be taken to our NICU here in Charleston at the Children's Hospital. There they realized it wasn't as bad as first suspected, but then today she stopped breathing 3 times. Her name is Kenzie. If you could please pray for Kenzie's speedy recovery and strength for my friend and her husband. I can't even imagine how worried and helpless they are feeling right now!

Heart Broken

All of a sudden I wanted to look at my belly pics from my first week of pregnancy. I can't find them anywhere on my computer and they aren't on my camera anymore.

I am so sad.

Those are the only pictures I have of my baby! It's not fair! I would trade all my pictures on my computer for those two...

Rainy Days

It's all rainy and drab outside. Perfect weather to just be laying here and doing nothing!!!

Thanks for all the comments!! I love them! They make me feel a lot better!!!

So on my Babycenter board, one of the girls is an US tech, and she said that the cyst on my ovary means I haven't ovulated yet. When the cyst bursts is when you ovulate. SOOO I am less than 8 DPO. I am having all these symptoms though (sick to my stomach like I was when I was pg, tired, moody, HUNGRY, weird cravings) but if it is too early to see a BFP then wouldn't it be way to early to get symptoms??

I have worked almost 50 hours in the last 4 days. I'm so sleepy! I am so happy to have slept in this morning. Now I am starving to death and ready for some lunch! Yesterday I had a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes. YUM!

Dreams, Shopping, Vacation, & Faith, OH MY!

I had even more dreams last night! SO VIVID! Not pregnancy related though, but oh well. Vivid dreams were a PG symptom for me, so hopefully that is a good sign!! I am really getting my hopes up this month, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think if AF comes I will just have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Won't be the first time.

I went shopping today. SHHH. I really don't have the money to do that, but whatever. I got another Emily Giffin book, Baby Proof, and a Jane Green book, Second Chance. I am excited about reading The Jane Green one. IDK how I feel about the baby one yet... Sometimes reading about stuff like that makes me sad, sick, and blue. I might read the Jane Green one first....

When thinking about reading this baby book, I started thinking about my EDD. It is November 30th. If I'm not pg again by then, I think I will just be sitting in a deep whole of despair. SOO I decided that Christopher and I should go on a trip. I won't feel up to working, going out with friends, and if I go out I will just drink myself in to the hospital, so I think a relaxing couple of days with my husband somewhere other than here would be the best.

QUESTION: For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"? I hope that it will at least take my mind off of it... I don't know though! Some opinions would be great :) Thanks!

BTW A friend of mine (Ellen who writes My So Called Life, link on the right) works in the NICU and said a woman just had a healthy baby girl after 10 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths, a baby born at 23weeks that lived 3 days and a baby born at 24 weeks that lived one month. Could you imagine? I don't think I would have been able to get past a couple of miscarriages. It's amazing the strength that God can give us when we need it the most!

I had a talk with God the other day. I have been having an issue since my miscarriage. 2 days before my miscarriage my hormones took over and I was bawling my eyes out screaming "God PLEASE take care of my baby, don't let anything happen to my baby, keep my baby safe." I was absolutely distraught. People probably thought someone had died if they had seen me in my car. Well someone did, I just didn't know it yet... Anyways, since then I have had a hard time asking God for anything. My mother in law and I flew to Missouri in July and I wanted to ask God soooo bad to keep us safe, but I was so scared that if I did, that the exact opposite would happen. I have had a couple of other moments that I wanted to ask for something along those lines, but stopped because I was way to scared that it would jinx me. I hate feeling this way, so I asked God to please just put me at peace with that, and let me be able to trust myself to talk to Him again. I haven't felt as "lost" since that day.

I need help with a lot of things. I graduated from xray school in May and I need to take my registry exam but I am so scared. I have been to scared to do ANYTHING since my miscarriage. I am so afraid that I will fail. I am too scared of disappointment I guess? I don't know how to fix that at all. What do I pray for?

Do Dreams Really Come True?!

My mother always told me never tell a bad dream before breakfast or it will come true.

Well I have told 2 people this dream so far, and this blog will hopefully tell one bajillion more!

I had a dream I was pregnant again!

I have had a few of those in the past couple months, but this one was so real!! I dreamed I was walking around Nordstroms (NEVER been there! Don't even know how I know of that place) and it was a baby store and my husband and I were picking stuff out with another couple friend of ours who was pregnant with a boy. Hehehehe She's not even close to wanting to get pregnant, but I thought that was funny. Then I started cramping so we left. But I check my underwear (WEIRD HUH?!) and it was okay. So we went home. And I texted a couple friends and said "We are pregnant again! Pray that this one will work out!" Work out? Like it was a job offer or something? :)

So there is my dream. I'm telling it before breakfast so it will come true! Now that I have had the dream, I am in that "HAVE TO GET PREGNANT" state. I need to stop. There is nothing I can do about it. It will happen when it happens. I woke up this morning having major anxieties about old medical bills (migraine, CT, and miscarriage bill) and an old Target credit card and my husband's and my student loans. I'm thinking about doing a debt consolidation. But there was nothing I could do at 5am, but I was totally freaking out.

I think I need to start my Prozac up again.

My US (Part Two) & Other Musings

My doctor called me back this morning. YAAY! She said my pap in April, my bloodwork a few weeks ago, and my US yesterday all looked normal. She said that there was a tiny cyst on my right ovary, most likely from ovulating.

Hmm. Ovulating?

That would mean I ovulated on time... ME?!?!

But she said it was all okay so I would see her in October for my next pap.

Soooo.... I was happy until DUH I realized the reason we did all that was because of my crazy luteal phases. But if I ovulated on time this month then it's okay...

October is just 2 cycles away. I'll just sit back and do what I have been doing. I told my husband that our chances of concieving this month were probably thrown out the window because the Dr told me to have sex every 3rd day and we've been having sex, like 3 times a day... Not really 3. May be a slight exaggeration. But still. OR JUST MAY BE this month since I haven't been worrying about it, it will work out.

But if you conscientiously make an effort NOT to worry about it, does it count when I think about not worrying about it?

Something to think about...

As for non reproductive related news, I finished "Something Blue" last night. I read it in one day!! It was SO good! (Carrie- It gets much better, and so does Darcy!) I also "taught" in the nursery at VBS last night. And in "taught" I mean held a 3 month old baby and she feel asleep in my arms and I never put her down for 2 hours. I loved it. I really really wanted to just take her home with me. Her mother had PCOS and stopped trying and VA LA! Oops. That's reproductive related...

My US (Part One)

Sooooo I had my ultrasound today. It was weird. I had bloodwork a few weeks ago and the US tech said "So are you having a follow up with your doctor?" and I said "well I have a pap in October, and if everything is normal, I think we were just going to stick with that. I would think she would call me if my bloodwork and/or my US wasn't normal.... I don't know...." and she said "let me look at your chart..."

So she looked at my chart for a little while. It felt like forever. Was probably only 10 seconds... She said "Well I don't have your bloodwork (hmm she was reading SOMETHING) but I'll get a nurse to pull them up for you."

Ok. US began...

We talked. I'm an xray tech and have been thinking about US school.

Then afterwards she told me to get dressed and she would meet me outside. silly girl left my measurements on the screen, so I took the liberty of taking a picture of them with my blackberry so someone could tell me what was up with them hahaha. I'm bad, I know it.

So I went outside she was so adamant on getting my phone number. I asked her about my bloodwork and she said she would get my number and have someone call me. UMMM they SHOULD be in the chart you are holding and why can't a nurse tell me right now?? Sounds like something is up...? May be I just have an over-active imagination?? Idk... But anyways, she said "well your doctor is in today, so she'll call you." Why?

Anyways, here are my measurements. It says AVE which I guess is Average, and my scan and the AVE numbers are the exact same thing, but there are two more slots of 2 more scan measurements, so I'm pretty sure it's an average of my scans, not an average of women.

Anyone know what's normal? Anyone care to put me out of my anxiety misery and tell me if I should be worried or not? Sorry for the poor quality. Quick cell phone pics before anyone noticed I was taking a couple extra seconds so put my pants back on...

I've been sick the last few days. I was secretly wishing that my last AF was just a fluke (my mom had a period or 2 when preggers with me) and that I would have a 10 week old baby in there. No such luck I guess!!!

Okay. Retraction.

I am nervous.

Well the new friends are cool...

Hmm This blog began as an outlet to vent, but I think now it's turning into a place to prove MYSELF wrong, that YES TTC IS fun!

hahaha we will see. Today might just be a good day :) Christopher and I have been sitting in bed reading all day long. I finished "Something Borrowed" that I started Saturday (it was that good!) and started "Something Blue". He's reading "Treasure Island". Silly boy hehehe.

I'm loving all the comments I am getting. I didn't even realize that I HAD comments LOL! I have no idea why, but Kathy's comment about her November 30th EDD angel (same EDD as mine...) made me smile. Of course I am most definitely SO SORRY for her loss, but knowing that I DO have a baby, and she has something in common with someone else... It makes me happy. Weird I know...

Thursday night I drove with my MIL to Hilton Head (just a few hours from our house, and the beach and ocean were so much different! it was crazy!). She has had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn. She told me the story of her stillborn and it broke my heart. A month ago I asked her when she stopped being sad about her babies and she said 30+ years later she is still sad. She has been a huge help to me this last month, but I think she thinks I'm crazy ;). I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, which I believe is definitely true. I have no problem talking about my feelings, that's for sure.

I think people with blogs have to have that kind of personality LOL

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for fibroids. My mother and my grandmother had them and my MIL as well. So I'm kinda nervous, but kinda not. I feel like I SHOULD be nervous, but I'm not. I don't know how I feel about it. I need to get the result of my bloodwork and my pap though, so don't let me forget ;)