10 Weeks Tomorrow!

I can't believe I'm hitting the double digits with my pregnancy! I am one fourth DONE!

These past 10 weeks have brought me absolute joy, nervousness, frustration, absolute heartbreak, worry, throwing up, heartburn, hope, and absolute trust in the Lord.

Yesterday I had a minor freak out and made a nurses appointment to get a doppler. We were THIS CLOSE to getting an US, but the nurse FOUND IT! Thumping away :) What a great sound! I am very very proud of myself. That was honestly my first absolute freak out. Yes, I did have some break downs a couple weeks ago, but HELLO! One of my twins was DEAD and I was awaiting the news on how the other was doing. Having a miscarriage is awful. Having a miscarriage and awaiting the news on the other baby you're carrying is weird and scary. I did AWESOME that week compared to how I could have freaked.

Christopher and my mother gave me a hard time about yesterday, but I don't care. They didn't go through what I did and they do't know how I feel. Well, honestly Christopher did, but he sure doesn't act like it. Men and their penises. I wish they could borrow a uterus once in a while!

April Rose

I am so disappointed that this has turned out to be a hoax. It's ridiculous. I prayed and prayed for that baby and her family, and am just heartbroken that someone would play with people's emotions like that.

I don't know what to think of this Beccah woman though. She DID do His Will Wednesdays which I received tons of prayer requests from. I will forever be thankful for that.

It's an odd odd person that would claim and seem to be so incredibly faithful and then pull something like this? I honestly think that something has to be wrong with her. I really really pray that she gets the help that she so obviously needs.

Update- A few people are asking for some facts and evidence that I didn't even think about including. Here are a few sites that show some theories but also the pictures that they claimed were April were actually DOLLS!
http://littleaprilroseisfake.blogspot.com
http://littleaprilrosequestions.blogspot.com/

I Need Advice!!

My BFF is getting married Saturday. YAAY!! I'm so freaking pasty it's not even funny. I also wanted to refresh my hair color, but my Dr said no airbrush tan or hair coloring.

Is she just really conservative or was everyone told this?? Of course my baby comes first, but it's my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING!! I've been waiting on this day since 10th grade. Almost 10 years later of them being together its finally happening. And I want to look freaking fabulous. I'm a dang bridesmaid for God's sake. I don't think pregnant women should look like crap. I think we'd feel a whole lot better about ourselves if we were allowed to do anything!

Sorry rampage. These hormones have been out of CONTROL this week!!!!

Update- "If you're not feeling attractive during pregnancy, the look of sun-kissed skin may do wonders for your self-esteem. The good news is that the ingredients in self-tanners are harmless, so it's fine to use them during pregnancy. These lotions and sprays are basically dyes that stay on the surface of your skin and won't harm your developing baby. Best of all, self-tanners have improved dramatically over the past few years, so you don't have to worry about looking like an extra from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
I'm doing it. I followed all the stupid rules my last pregnancy and this pregnancy and I still have 2 dead babies. It's not like I'm smoking or drinking a bottle of tequila. It's dang paint that stays on my skin for like 4 days. Of course, now that I saw my little virtual baby floating over there on my page I start to panic... Why can't think just be easy?! Women go through their pregnancies smoking, drinking, doing crack, and have no prenatal care and their babies are fine. It's so incredibly obnoxious and unfair.

Whirlwind Morning

After getting a huge migraine and going to bed, I woke up at 2am puking and rolled over and exploded my gel freeze head thingy, threw up again when I was getting ready for my appointment, flooded the bathroom on accident, on the way to the Dr realized my appointment was at 8 not 8:30, pulled over on the side of the road to puke...

Squishy Baby B (or Bumble B as he may also be referred. My mom's new name for him) is great, measuring on time, heart rate of 180.

I'm so happy that he's doing great, but it still doesn't feel real to me yet. I want to snap out of this so bad!!! I haven't been taking my happy/anxiety meds. I keep forgetting. I think I should remember AND double up ;)

Baby A is even smaller. I guess she's dissolving or just looks so much tinier since Squishy Bumble B is getting so huge. My doctor said that she will just dissolve and just because she passed doesn't mean anything will happen to B. She said if I ever feel worried to just come in and they'd check the heartbeat. I told her I'd see her every day! She also wrote me a RX for Darvecet (sp?!) for these awful migraines. Whoop whoop!!

Here is the US pic. He's just hanging out upside down like a little monkey. Kinda looks like he's waving doesn't it??? :)

Tomorrow's The Day

... That I get to see my little Baby B.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts, comments, and prayers. They mean SO MUCH!!!!!

I've got some symptoms coming back, but I've got an awful migraine too. I'm just ready to get this over with ASAP!!

8:30am couldn't come quick enough...

No Hope

I just feel like I have no hope. I'm not really sad or mad or happy or anything really. But I just don't feel like I will see a heartbeat on B on Tuesday at all, and it's annoying when my husband gets mad at me for saying it. I can't help it. It's not like I WANT my babies to all die and be a owner of a crappy uterus, but that's just the way I feel. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. My mom says to ask God to bless me. I did. I did the first time, and I did this time. 2 dead babies have resulted. Not saying He did it on purpose, but what's the point? He knows what I want and He'll do what He wants no matter what I say.

The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.


Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.

Bittersweet Heartbreak

I had an US today at work. Baby B is measuring 7w5d and his heartbeat is 154 and Baby A is measuring 6w3d with zero heartbeat.

I'm obviously thrilled that B is growing and has caught up to his due date, but its majorly overcasted by the absolute heartbreak I'm feeling for the lost life of Baby A.

Please don't say "well at least you still have one" because it hurts almost as bad as my first miscarriage. I have a little hope but also major fear that the same thing will happen to the other one. Why wouldn't it? I've managed to kill 2 now, what's one more? I might as well have a margarita.

New Stupid Things...

...That People Say.

Last month I wrote a blog about stupid stuff people say about infertility. Well, I'm still getting stupid comments and questions.

I am absolutely in no way ashamed of my infertility experience. I am more than happy to talk to anyone about it that has questions or is curious. However, it really isn't anyone's business, and there IS a way to approach it.

When I tell someone I am having twins, the FIRST thing they say is "oh do twins run in your family, or were you on fertility drugs?" It's absolutely obnoxious. When I see people with multiples not ONCE has that question EVER popped in my head. It's so personal and private. ONCE I wondered if someone used fertility drugs when I was first introduced to Lauren's blog about her quadruplets. I read through her blog and she did not mention it, so guess what? I forgot about it. It wasn't my business and I didn't think about it again.

I answer that I took fertility drugs, and I haven't gotten any negative answers, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people (especially men... is that weird??) ask me about it. When people just ask me if twins run in my family I just answer no. I give no extra information.

I've been reading lots of other multiple mommy blogs and this looks like something I will be dealing with forever, so I better get used to it!!

I'm really just annoyed that people these days do not respect anyone's privacy. It's utterly obnoxious.

In other news, I had the most awful migraine ever this weekend, and couldn't take anything. What pure torture that was... I also got a BellaBand yesterday! WOW the most amazing invention EVER!!!

May ICLW!

Just a little forewarning, if you came from ICLW and DON'T want to hear about pregnancy, hit the back button! I became pregnant since I signed up for this month!!!

Welcome ICLWers!!!

My name is Katie, I'm married to Christopher, and we are expecting TWINS!!! I am still very early in my pregnancy, so a little nervous, but surprising not as much as I thought I would be. I have been praying for peace, so I think God is definitely listening!

This blog is going to be primarily about my twin pregnancy, my husband, our pets, our March 08 heartbreaking miscarriage, and infertility. Thankfully I only dabbled a tiny bit into IF by getting pregnant one our first round of Clomid. I still have lots of friends that are still on this tough tough journey, and although I am pregnant, I still find myself very frustrated with the ignorance of the fertiles.

If you're pregnant with twins or have twins (or multiples!!!) please comment with your link, because I am a little intimidated on the cost of two babies and would really like to hear other experiences.

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Here are the US pictures I've been promising since Tuesday :)

Baby A is on the right, Baby B on the left


Baby A


Baby B


My appointment went well. It was so nice to FINALLY get blood take for pregnancy tests and fill out paper work because I am pregnant. It was nice to see them talk about different tests at different points in my pregnancy and to see MY BABIES' HEARTBEATS!!!

The babies are still measuring 5 days behind, just like I told that witch US tech. Baby A is actually the sac that I was concerned about a few weeks ago, and now she's bigger than Baby B! All of your prayers have worked! Now keep praying for them both, an B. His heart rate was 112, which the Dr said is okay, but she wants to see it over 120. But the babes were only measuring 5w6d, so their hearts JUST started beating THAT DAY, so I think 112 sounds pretty darn good. I bet it's just as high as A's today!

I am pretty sure A is a girl since she fertilized late (girl sperm being slower but living longer) and B being a boy since he fertilized first (being that boy sperm swim faster). And just cause I have a hunch. And because it would be so great if they were boy/girl! How fun would that be?