Sunday, March 29, 2009

March 29th

It's March 29th. 3:52 in the morning. I am working overnight tonight (if you couldn't tell by my countdown Tweets on the right side) and I am kind of in disbelief.

I can't believe-
I had a miscarriage
It has been one year since my miscarriage
That this actually happened to me
That I am a totally different person and will be for the rest of my life because of this experience
The fog I feel like I am in
The empty feeling
That I'm not really sad right now, just foggy
That a whole entire year has gone by. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months.
I'm not pregnant again yet.
What a horrible dark pit of hell I got into last year.
That I remember exactly how I felt when I woke up that morning, one year ago. Like something was wrong. Like crap. ugh I felt so yucky when I woke up.
That I remember what I was supposed to do that day. I was supposed to be keeping my nieces because my SIL went upstate to visit her mom.
That I remember how sick I felt to my stomach when I saw blood.
That I somehow heard and remember my MIL whispering to my husband in the next room to stay home from work with me because I was scared.
That when my mom came to my house and saw me lying in the bed she immediately started crying and said "You know, don't you?"
The awful ER experience I had.
That I remember walking to the bathroom in the ER barefoot and thinking how gross it was but how I didn't really care.
That the nurse told me to eat an ice cream sundae and I would feel better.
How ironic it was that after she said that, she said "you're still young, just try again." A year later I am still trying.
The way I sobbed uncontrollably everytime I went to the bathroom and had to flush away my baby.
The way I laid on top of my husband and just cried and sobbed and moaned and screamed and yelled and slept.
That horrible feeling I felt. For a long long time. I don't know how I got myself out of it and I don't even want to remember what it felt like because it makes me want to throw up.
That my baby died.

I am glad I am working over night. I want to spend March 29th this exact way, every single year... Sleeping. I will sleep it all away. And I won't talk to anyone and I will mope and feel awful because I'm allowed. My baby's heart stopped beating in my belly one year ago. It could have happened right now. at 4:00am. Or may be it never even started. Who knows. I don't know, and that's half of why this sucks. I don't know anything about that baby that lived inside of me for such a short while except that I loved her with every piece of my soul the SECOND I thought she was in there. And I know that when she was gone it felt like she took that soul with her. Everything was gone. My baby was gone, and that was, is, and will be all I ever ever wanted my entire life.

Will these memories ever go away? Will I ever forget those things that happened?? Will I ever not remember every single detail to the design on my hospital gown? Will I ever forget that dark sad feeling I carried around in my heart for so long? Will I ever have a March 29th and not remember?

9 people that love me told me so:

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Oh hon :-(

Unfortunately, IME, it doesn't get any easier.

I never thought I'd feel as bad as I did after my 3rd M/C and then my 4th happened a month ago and boy was I wrong!

You WILL get through the pain you're feeling, I can't say when and I can't say it will be easy BUT you WILL do it hon....

You also WILL be a Mum one day and will get to hold your own baby....


mrs. r said...

this was so raw to read.

...thinking of you and adding you to my list of "infertility warriors."

much love.

mrsmoore08 said...

Enjoy your sleep today. I'll be around when you wake up if you want to talk. Mine haven't got any easier but it is always the most recent one I remember most. I love you sweet cheeks. MUAH

The Pifer's said...

Thinking of you sweetie, and praying for you too!!!! Love ya!

B MoM said...

bleh. that was so heartfelt and heartwrenching. i'm not sure if we'll ever forget our mc dates (I have two), but I'm sure that overtime, the pain wont be so poignant. =( Sending you virtual hugs and positive thoughts.

just me said...

sending you a big hug. 3-29-2008 was my D&C from my very first pregnancy. i am still not pregnant (2 more losses since then)

Kelli said...

Hi Katie :) So glad you started following my's brand new so hang in there with me!

I'm so sorry that you are reliving the pain you felt a year ago. My first m/c was 5.7.08 and I'm currently going through my 2nd loss. It's not easy and we'll never know why. Just stay hopeful and don't give up!! ((hugs!))

Jenn said...

I just read your post. :( I wish I would have known ahead of time...I feel like a bad friend! Thinking of you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm so sorry.

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