Spring Has Sprung!

Thanks everyone for the supportive comments on yesterday's post! I got home and in bed at 8am and fell immediately asleep and woke up at about 4. Then Christopher brought me some fruit loops (thanks for the idea Ellen!) and made me spaghetti and let me pick out whatever movie I wanted to watch. So we watched Twilight. Again.

I just took my our lab Molleigh for a walk to the mailbox. We live on a dirt road and it's .5 miles from the head of the road to our house. So Molliegh dragged me the whole way there and back and my leg muscles are twitching so bad!!! I never ever work out, so a mile walk is HUGE for me. I really need to lose some weight, so may be I can make this a regular thing. I have 5 dogs, so a different dog a day! But it was so so pretty outside and I just smelled flowers everywhere! It's nice and warm today too. Although Molleigh has obviously forgotten how to walk on a leash, I think she still had fun!

Here are a couple pictures from our walk, and then some previous pictures I have taken of our land and house! Most of them are cell phone quality, sorry!


Here's Molleigh on our walk!




Our house and front yard




Christopher walking ahead on our driveway! Georgie my Beetle Bug is in this pic too ;)


Here is Kain, Maddox, and Molliegh. Kain is Christopher's BFF's dog that we are keeping for a year and a half. The BFF is stationed in North Dakota and can't have the dog in a single soldier barrack, so here he is at our house. So I now house 5 dogs and a cat! BTW Kain is NOT pooping n this picture, he's going to sit down.


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BTW- I still have not received my socks for the sock exchange :( That makes me kinda sad...

March 29th

It's March 29th. 3:52 in the morning. I am working overnight tonight (if you couldn't tell by my countdown Tweets on the right side) and I am kind of in disbelief.

I can't believe-
I had a miscarriage
It has been one year since my miscarriage
That this actually happened to me
That I am a totally different person and will be for the rest of my life because of this experience
The fog I feel like I am in
The empty feeling
That I'm not really sad right now, just foggy
That a whole entire year has gone by. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months.
I'm not pregnant again yet.
What a horrible dark pit of hell I got into last year.
That I remember exactly how I felt when I woke up that morning, one year ago. Like something was wrong. Like crap. ugh I felt so yucky when I woke up.
That I remember what I was supposed to do that day. I was supposed to be keeping my nieces because my SIL went upstate to visit her mom.
That I remember how sick I felt to my stomach when I saw blood.
That I somehow heard and remember my MIL whispering to my husband in the next room to stay home from work with me because I was scared.
That when my mom came to my house and saw me lying in the bed she immediately started crying and said "You know, don't you?"
The awful ER experience I had.
That I remember walking to the bathroom in the ER barefoot and thinking how gross it was but how I didn't really care.
That the nurse told me to eat an ice cream sundae and I would feel better.
How ironic it was that after she said that, she said "you're still young, just try again." A year later I am still trying.
The way I sobbed uncontrollably everytime I went to the bathroom and had to flush away my baby.
The way I laid on top of my husband and just cried and sobbed and moaned and screamed and yelled and slept.
That horrible feeling I felt. For a long long time. I don't know how I got myself out of it and I don't even want to remember what it felt like because it makes me want to throw up.
That my baby died.


I am glad I am working over night. I want to spend March 29th this exact way, every single year... Sleeping. I will sleep it all away. And I won't talk to anyone and I will mope and feel awful because I'm allowed. My baby's heart stopped beating in my belly one year ago. It could have happened right now. at 4:00am. Or may be it never even started. Who knows. I don't know, and that's half of why this sucks. I don't know anything about that baby that lived inside of me for such a short while except that I loved her with every piece of my soul the SECOND I thought she was in there. And I know that when she was gone it felt like she took that soul with her. Everything was gone. My baby was gone, and that was, is, and will be all I ever ever wanted my entire life.

Will these memories ever go away? Will I ever forget those things that happened?? Will I ever not remember every single detail to the design on my hospital gown? Will I ever forget that dark sad feeling I carried around in my heart for so long? Will I ever have a March 29th and not remember?

Disgusted

I am absolutely disgusted. I am almost in tears at the moment by the way some people in this world behave.

I was using the Google Machine (IDK why I call it that. It makes me laugh) for 2010 TTC blinkies and came across a baby-gaga.com forum and there were these two girls talking about trying to get pregnant and then continued on talking about how they smoke marijuana to regulate their cycles and ease their cramps. Another girl called them on it and they attacked her and continued to say how they probably won't quit smoking while they are pregnant because there is no evidence that suggests that harm is done to the fetus and one girl goes as far as saying that her BOYFRIEND (not husband, not fiance... not judging sorry, but this girl is obviously immature) 's mom smoked when she was pregnant with him and he's fine and creative. I am not making this crap up. I am serious. So I wrote them back and said

"May be y'all should grow up before you try to get pregnant. That lifestyle wouldn't be healthy for a baby. And really pisses of people that can't get pregnant and would give a baby a good home.
And please visit the March Of Dimes so you can see what smoking does to fetuses. Low birth weight and early birth is not a joke. They can both be life threatening. Y'all obviously aren't mature enough to put another life ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILD'S before you're own. Just wait awhile."

It absolutely INFURIATES me that these kind of girls are getting pregnant and I can't. I'm still trying to process Alicia's blog that I read yesterday from October that she wasn't approved for adoption because she sought medical attention for depression stemming from IF but MONSTERS are able to have and keep all the children they want. It is exactly right. I am just so absolutely heartbroken that a child is going to be born into these peoples' lives one day and that baby is going to grow up in a horrible family and house and will grow into exactly what they know and probably treat other people just as bad. I don't have the most stable household in the world but it sure as hell is better than THAT. My friend Ellen has been told that she probably will never be pregnant and have her own children unless through a 3rd party or adoption. Sharon is going through her umpteenth IVF and it's not looking positive. Alicia, Ellen, Sharon, and I are just 4 very tiny small examples of why this whole thing is just SCREWED UP. I just don't understand why this happens at all. There can be "bad things" in the world but why does bringing poor defenseless babies in horrible homes while there are wonderful homes and parents praying every night for them? I really don't get it at all.

Here's the link if you want to see and/or bitch for yourself- http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about551838.html and read Ellen's blog for her updated post. We're going to be a internet-bitch-slap-team-to-save-babies!

Awful Dreams

I dream A LOT. Most mornings I wake up feeling exhausted, not rested, because my mind was working all night long. I have nightmares a lot. When I was planning my wedding I had the WORST dreams about things that weren't ready yet. Like I had a dream one night that the guys never got fitted for their tuxes and they all showed up looking like clowns! They had different colored ties and vests than each other, some guy's jackets were way to big and some guy's pants were way too short! I have dreams about my BFF's wedding too! Sometimes I dream about awful awful things that event thinking back on them now make me want to throw up. And they are so so real it's sickening. Barf.

Two nights ago I had a dream that I lost a baby at 40 weeks and no one would monitor her while I was in labor. And I had a dream that I forgot to get all my blood work, US, and start Clomid on day 3. I called to see if I could start a day later. It was awful. I'm not stressing about it! I'm SO EXCITED about starting Clomid. Really weird.

Christopher and I have been talking even more about adoption and we are really really excited about it. It may be something that we might do even if we can get pregnant!

Ouchies

Today was my colposcopy. The PA did it. I really liked her. She was very nice, talked me through the whole thing, and seemed to care if I had questions! She said there was very little "white spots" in there and only took 4 samples. She also said (TMI!) that when she took them I would bleed, and that is apparently good!

She also read over my chart and said something about my moderate-severe dysplasia last time. My Dr just called it moderate. Ugh I wish she would stop sugar coating everything and just tell me straight up!

I'm not a sore as I was last time thank God, but this time wasn't as bad as last. It's burning a little bit but nothing like 2 years ago. I have an appointment in 2 weeks for results and followup and she said she really didn't think we would have to go any farther. I hope she's right!

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I sent my socks off today for the sock exchange (check out the sidebar!) and I am so excited. I won't say who I have since I don't want to give it away or anything, but I can not WAIT until she receives them!!! And I can't WAIT to get mine!

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I read some of my book, A Few Good Eggs, 2 nights ago. I read more of it than I ever have. It's a GREAT book. It got me thinking about IVF and money and all that. Then Christopher and I had an important conversation last night, and we came to the conclusion that if it ever comes to IVF, that we will skip it and just go straight to adoption. We've both always wanted to adopt, have always talked about it, and Christopher made a point that he thinks if we can't get pregnant on our own then may be God wants us to give a home to an orphaned baby. Is orphan an outdated word??? Feels like it to me...

I don't disagree with IVF one little bit, but I would rather spend that money definitely getting a baby. Having a biological baby and being pregnant is something I of course would like to experience, but is not as important to me as having a baby. I think Christopher has been itching like crazy to talk to me about adopting because he hints about it a lot and about exploded when I brought it up last night. He's asked me before how far we would go before we consider it.

One of my college profs adopted a baby girl and later a baby boy. She was just never able to get pregnant and they tried for like 15 years. I in no way imaginable would mind being like them. They love their babies just as much as any mother & father I've seen with her children.

I don't want to make anyone mad that's going through IVF. I think people doing that are way stronger than I could ever imagine. Adoption is just something I've always thought about and wanted to do, and just something I would rather do than IVF. I know this is all way in the future, and might not even have to happen, but I wanted to make a decision about how far we both agree to go now that we are starting with drugs and treatments.

Blog Award!

The following is for all my infertility friends...this is something we all can relate too...

This award is for all the infertility women out there who have experienced all or some of the following.....


* If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
* If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
* If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
* If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
* If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
* If you know what a cootercam is
* If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
* If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
* If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "your still young"
* If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
* If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
* If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
* If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
* If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
* If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
* If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
* If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
* If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
* If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
* If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
* If you know what an RE is
* If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
* If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?"
* If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
* If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
* If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
* If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
* If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
* If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
* If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up about your situation and to have faith!!!!!!

Rules for posting award:

1. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

2. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Ellen
Loren
Sharon
Where's Baby?

Thanks so much Pifer Family for this award! I am so excited :)

To Be Excited

I think I'm ready.

I think I am done being sad. I am ready to be happy again.

I am not so worried about my colposcopy tomorrow like I probably should be, because all I can think about it CLOMID! I am so so excited. I have officially (I guess?) been diagnosed Infertile and all I can do is be excited. It's weird. I know this could not work for me, but that part of my brain is being shut out by my excited part. I don't know what the deal is! I'm not even thinking about getting pregnant this month because I'm so excited about next month.

How crazy am I? I know there will be side effects. I know I'll gain probably 10 pounds. I know I'll be even more hormonally psycho than I am now, but I just am so excited. I don't know why!

On the m/c front, I am working the night shift the 28th, so I will be sleeping all day the 29th, the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I really can't think of a better way to spend it. Sleeping it alllll away.

Another Block In The Road

I have really shitty luck. I do. Anything that can happen to me or my husband happens. Its ridiculous and obnoxious! He had to have cortisone injections in his back and they nicked the spinal cord and so he had to have a blood patch. One percent of people the blood patch doesn't work. Guess what? He also got bit by a snake once. Who does that? I had a miscarriage, and not all just health wise. Stuff always gets sent to the wrong addresses. My miscarriage happened the one week lapse we had in health insurances. My wedding invitations got sent to an M state the day I took off of work and sat on my porch literally all day waiting for them. My wedding napkins had July 14th instead of 4th... Just lots of weird bad luck.

I went to my appointment today. My pap last month was abnormal. 2 years ago to the MONTH I had an abnormal which led to biopsies and a LEEP procedure to remove moderate dysplasia. Last month was my last every-3-or-6-month-pap and of course it was abnormal. Which I guess is good it was caught and not progressed a whole year. So Wednesday I am having a colposcopy. She said there weren't very many abnormal cells but with my history, she is doing the Colp.

If all that is well, next month I'll be starting CLOMID!!!!!!! I'm really excited. She's starting me all the way at 100! Don't most Drs start at 50?

I am really saddened by the abnormal pap, not because I'm upset about the possible chance for cervical cancer. Again. But it could delay TTCing for another few months.

OH and you know how they said Christopher's SA was fine? Well they LIED! They didn't even get the results until today while I was waiting! His motility is a little low, borderline, but according to her not a make or break situation. So I told him his boys wouldn't get off their barkaloungers ;) extra points for someone who knows what show THAT'S from!!!!!

Frustrated

My appointment is on Monday. I'm really down. I realized yesterday that my m/c was this month last year and it'd be so nice to be pregnant for it, but now I will just be sad and baby-less. Plus, if I don't get pregnant this month, then (may be, hopefully, one day) I'll have a 2010 baby and not the 2008 baby like I was supposed to. That is 2 years. This process is just supposed to be 9, 10 months. Not over 24. Not over 1203984783 like some of the ladies out there. It is just really frustrating.

COUNTDOWN TO ATLANTA!

New Layout

I worked all day on this new layout! I used to do web design. I really miss my old website. I had my own domain! But I don't have it anymore, and I don't have photoshop anymore. Getting used to the HTML took a little while but I made this template to look at what you see here! I am pretty proud of myself! I may be able to get better and better, just depending on how much I work at it. But after an hour or 2, I think I'm happy with this!

My husband is feeling much better today! And Britney is in 2 DAYS! I can't believe it! I am so so so excited to see her! My best friend Emily and I are going and we are meeting 2 friends, Cameron and Kristin who I met years ago when I had a different graphics site on myspace. I've never met them face to face but I love them like I do my "real" friends. They are going to the concert as well. So I am getting to see Britney AND meet the girls in person for the first time!

Cyber friends really are great. I have made some of my best friends through the computer. I have met one girl from my miscarriage board in person, and now I am meeting C&K. I love you guys and I mean it :)

Show And Tell (Plus, SA results, I think?)

I did this video a long time ago of my dog Cinderella and my other dog Prince Charming. I don't know why but it makes me laugh out loud every single time I watch it. I know it's kinda dark, but it's my favorite thing ever.




This is my new kitty cat, Cisco and his twin borhter Simon who was adopted by my mother in law. I dunno which one is which and I don't know where one ends and the other begins. Sorry for the super crappy phone camera quality.




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In non-pet realted news, I called the doctor's office for the 4th time today and they said they will discuss our SA results with us at my next appoint (the 16th) but the doctor would have called if there was anything significant. So I guess that's good. They annoy me.

PLEASE HELP! I can't find my BG info ANYWHERE AND now my header is not centered! I need serious blog-genious help...

Decisions....

So I am thinking about going back brunette. We have well water and it makes the blonde so brassy so quickly and it looks white trash 2-3 weeks in. My BFF seems to like it better brown, my husband won't really give me a straight answer, because I think he likes it better blonde, and I get mixed emotions from everyone else. *sigh*. Life is so hard.

Christopher is sick with the flu. I feel so bad for him. He has had a 100+ fever the last 3 days. He went to a doc-in-a-box Friday and they didn't even do a flu test and gave him a Z-Pack. He's still just as sick if not more. He can't eat, he can't sleep, and he doesn't even want to do it. I know he's sick then! ;) He has alllll the flu symptoms, especially the major achy-all-over giveaway symptom. So I am taking him to a REAL doctor tomorrow and having him tested for the flu. It's obviously viral if the anti-biotic isn't working. Dumb "doctors". They are the same people who told him nothing was wrong with his back but when one of my radiologists read the same MRI report said it was BROKEN. I don't know WHY he continues to go back there. But it's OVER! I'm breaking the two of them up.

I am going to go see Britney Spears this week! I am so so so so excited!

Also, I wanted to change my background, but all of a sudden, I can't find the HTML gadget that had the HTML code! IT HAS DISAPPEARED! What the heck man?