Ooooh that feeling....

I was just telling my husband today how great I have been feeling about everything. How I thought that prayer request really helped.

Then UGH. I had that moment. Looking at a friend of mine's 17 week belly pics.

You know that feeling in your heart? Like that squeezing anxious sick feeling?? Yeah I got that. Still have it. And tears feel like they are coming... And the one sentence I have never said in my life more than I have these last (OMG) almost 6 months... IT'S NOT FAIR.

On another note, I have totally sucked monkey butt on ICLW this month. Tomorrow I am baby sitting, so I am going to do all my one bajillion that I "owe". I've also been playing Pet Society on Facebook. It's pretty awesome, as is Mobsters on Myspace. LOL. I'm excited about playing with the baby tomorrow. :) I talked to my nieces today on the phone. Regan said she can't wait to see me next month and Jordan sang me the Doodle Bops. I can't wait to see them. I need to sell my soul (JK!) to get gas money to get up there next month!

Good Mom

It's been a while since I have posted! I have been really busy with work, and just haven't had much to write about!!!

I've been doing a lot better. I don't have that urgency to be pregnant anymore. I really think that prayer request helped A LOT! Or either the psychological thought of it helped anyway! I went and saw my friend's baby Thursday and she is so so little little! And so pretty! You may have remembered me bloggin about her in the past, she was in the NICU, but she is home and healthy now :) She is on a monitor because she is still having apnea episodes, but hopefully she will grow out of it soon. She was a month early, and her due date was last weekend. I also am going to be watching a friend's baby starting Wednesday! I am really excited about that! He is ADORABLE!!! He has this blonde blonde hair... Too cute! I love babies SOOO much!

Something I absolutely LOVE to hear is how good of a mom I will be. I think that is the best compliment anyone has ever given me in my entire life. I love babies and kids so much, and I have since before I can remember. Yesterday for example, there was a 2 year old who I had to xray that they thought had glass in his foot (didn't) and he was MAD! But I did it, and it was hard, but he was so incredibly cute and sweet. Someone afterwards said they wouldn't have done it the way I did, and I'll be great with my kids. I probably fried the only eggs I have left doing it, but sometimes it feels worth it... It is hard to explain. I guess you have to be in my position to understand. I get so many scared kids in there, and I just love holding them and making them feel better. I had one girl one day who got in a car accident. She was 4 and the most precious gorgeous sweetest little girl in the world and she was so scared and her mom was CRAZY, so I just sent her mom back to their room and I held her and talked to her. A few people have told me how great of a mom I will be because I love playing with kids so much and I am so good with them when they are my patients. I love to hear that. Honestly, I can't think of a better compliment!

Obviously I know there is more to Mommy-ing than playing with babies, but I think they are right. One day I'll be a good mom! I think I am a fabulous mom now for missing my baby so much! That is one loved little baby, thats for sure!

Show And Tell

I am working 3rd shift tonight, so in honor of crazy drunk people in the ER, I will showing and telling about crazy drunk stupid people that come in for xrays!

I am an xray tech and I love it. It is ALWAYS interesting....


This guy got shot in the leg and the bullet traveled into his SCROTUM! Crazy huh????


This is a 7 year old girl that broke her arm going down a slide. She probably wasn't drunk...

This dummy tried to kill himself with a nail gun. He definitely didn't die but got himself a few days in the hospital with a bleed on his brain and the entire staff taking care of him thinking he was stupid. I really feel bad for people that are suicidal. I'm sure it's a lonely scary feeling, but a NAIL GUN????

Feeling Okay!

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. It comes in waves I guess. I went to a movie yesterday with my BFF and 2 other really great friend, the pregnant one included, and I loved on her cutie little baby belly. I was pretty proud of myself. I said SOMETHING silly teasing around and she started to say "Hey, if you want it you can.... (or something to that effect...)" pointing to her belly, and then I think she realized what she was saying and I just laughed and someone said something else. If I was in a "bad place" last night I would have said "SURE I'LL TAKE IT" but it didn't really bother me. IDK. It was weird!

But on my list of ways to better myself I put join a small group, and we did, and at the prayer request time I asked for people to pray for me because I have been having such a hard time with the miscarriage (and I CRIED! I haven't cried about it in forever...) and I think it really has been helping! The power of prayer is AMAZING! Now I just have to get them to pray for me to get preggers hehehe

In TMI news, I started AF this morning, and I went to my old Babycenter board to see when I started last month, and my cycle was only 27 days!!! OMG! I've been having 35+ day cycles, and that was close to 28! I'm ecstatic. Hopefully that means my body is getting back to normal. I've read that after a miscarriage your body can take up to 6 months to get back to normal. It's been almost 6 months, so I guess it is true! Only one more month till we "try" again, although we haven't done anything differently, but whatever ;)

I'm going to start watching my friend's baby at the end of the month. I went by there yesterday, and that baby is the cutiest little baby in the WORLD!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks!!! He's adorable!!!

27 days until I get to see my nieces!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

BTW

I am thinking of all that lost their lives, loved ones, and heroes 7 years ago today!

Happier than I have been in a while!!!

Today I am SOO SOO happy!

Yesterday Christopher's parents asked us to ride with them to Missouri to visit Christopher's brother, his wife, and our 2 nieces! I am so so so so ecstatic. Let me build this feeling up for you a little, mostly because I want you to understand how happy I am, and because I am in a happy writing mood.

My husband and I started dating on July 4th, 2003. We had our first kiss! That was the day that I met his brother Matt and his brother's girlfriend, Cassie. It was at Matt and Christopher's July 4th cookout! That's when I kissed Christopher on the roof under the fireworks! And we have been inseparable since then! My first official date with Chris was watching Finding Nemo with Matt and Cassie.

That November 1st, Christopher proposed to me, and then Matt and Cassie got a townhouse and asked us if we wanted to move in! We did!! December 25th, Matt proposed to Cassie! We were 2 happy couples! I am an only child and was only 18, and wasn't a very good roommate. I really wish I could have enjoyed the time a little more too, but it's okay...

That March 2004 Matt got sent overseas in Iraq. That July 4th, Christopher and I got married! Matt came home in October for Cassie's birthday and OOPS got her pregnant! I was so so so so happy. Cassie is my first and only sister. And all those years growing up I thought I would never never had nieces and nephews and my mom told me to marry someone with lots of brothers and sisters so that I would! So you can only imagine how incredibly excited I was. November the lease ended at the townhouse and Christopher and I moved into an apartment and Matt and Cassie rented a duplex. Matt came home May 2006, they were married May 29th, and June 21st Regan Brooke came into this world!

I have always loved babies, but this little girl absolutely stole my heart. I loved that girl more than anything in the world! Christopher and I babysat her when she was a couple days old so Cassie and Matt could see a movie and it was so so so fun! OMG Regan had this crazy personality the DAY she came into the world (now that I think about it, she had it long before she came OUT of the womb!!!) and still to this day she is such an amazingly smart, energetic, and hilarious little girl!

Before Regan turned 1, Matt and Cassie realized they were pregnant again!! I remember Cassie telling me she knew she was pregnant and I thought she was CRAZY because she wouldn't even be physically pregnant YET! But now I know how she felt. On December 21st 2006, she gave birth to Jordan Mikayla!!! 18 months EXACTLY after Regan was born. They are 1 and a half years apart to the day! The first day of Summer and the first day of Winter :)

These 2 little girls lived near me most of their lives (as in near, like next door) and I watched them grow up so so so much. Regan is the crazy little ball of energy and Jordan is the most sweetest prettiest little girl! They are both wild, but so cute you just kinda ignore it.

Through all of these years Cassie and I got closer and closer. We went through a lot together, and I love her so much. She is my one and only sister, and she gave me the most beautiful 2 little girls in the whole world to love.

Around this same time last year Matt resigned active duty Army and was shipped off to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri in December for training. In May he was permately stationed there, took 10 days off, came home, and took Cassie, Regan, and Jordan away from Charleston.

Besides the miscarriage, I have never been so so so sad. I'm living in the house they used to live in now and it is so so weird to see Regan's pink nursery without her in it, not hear them laughing in the TV room, or swinging on the swing set outside my dining room window. I HATE not having Cassie call me everday "Come over, what are you doing, ride with me to blah blah blah." I never had a friend move away in my life, and to have my best friend, sister, and my nieces move was really really hard for me. After my miscarriage, those two girls were the only things that could actually make me smile, and omg I hugged them so hard and thanked God for them.

In July my mother in law and I flew out to Missouri to see them, and next month we will be driving with my father in law and Christopher to see them for a long weekend! I absolutely dread the drive (I hate riding 10 minutes down the road, much less 15 hours...) but I will do ANYTHING to see Regan, Jordan and Cassie!!! Those girls are the LOVES of my life!!

Regan's 3rd birthday Princess Party!

Smile!

Sweet sweet Jordan

Love that baby gap

Our last trip to Missouri, Nana painting Jordan's nails hehehehe

In Missouri making "sad faces", July 4th :) She later set that dress on fire with a sparkler...

What did I EVER do to the universe??

Cause the universe DEFINITELY is against me. Here are the reasons why in pretty little bullets. First time ever using...

• My baby died. Duh.
• One of my friend's that is due when I am sends me pictures and texts on a regular basis talking about how much longer she has left and how cute her belly is. I love her, and I love to hear, but sometimes it's a painful reminder.
• One day I went to the cafeteria at work (I work at a hospital) and the pregnancy tour just ended and there were 10+ pregnant women in there.
• One of my closest friends got pregnant on accident. Lucky.
• Saturday I went to the cafeteria and remembered it was "PREGNANCY CELEBRATION" and there were 100+++ pregnant women celebrating their pregnancies and another 100+ newborns. Wow I really wanted to slit my throat this weekend.
• Yesterday my CPR class teacher was pregnant and "due around Thanksgiving". Oh yeah, me too. But wait, my baby is dead. I ALMOST forgot.
• Everyone and their mom are pregnant.
  

It's just annoying. EVERY ONE around me is pregnant! Thank GOD the last pregnant girl in our department had her baby. So the 8 pregnant girls are done. Time for a new cycle!!!!

My friend sent me a "medal" of a saint that was blessed by her priest. She said she got pregnant the first month she got hers. Well I put it in my bedside table since I am taking a break right now, and I haven't given it much more thought. The other day I rolled over and OMG THERE IT WAS! IN THE BED! Later I found out my husband grabbed the envelope to write a number really quick, but crap man. I was LAYING on it! Soooooo as pregnant as I want to be, I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. I immediately emailed my friend and blamed her for everything. hahahahahaha. It was really a funny experience, and I'm sure if I get pregnant this month, that'll be why!! I'm not catholic, so I don't really know what to do with it, but I am pretty sure rolling around on it while probably doing the deed will probably result in a baby in 9 months. We will see. Hey, it's not the worst thing that could happen!!!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I got a book called The Conception Chronicles. It looks funny. It better be KuKd funny, cause that is what I have in mind. You know, there is a Women's Health section, Pregnancy Section, but no Dead Baby section. It would be really nice if there was with some books, fiction and non fiction, available for me to skim through and buy! I like to realte to my characters, and I just wanted a book that I could cry and laugh through about the current things I am feeling. But I couldn't find any. So hurry up Monica and write your book :):)

Meet The Kids

Not in much of a blogging mood. I have a great new topic coming up about why I don't hate babies, but I'm not really up for writing it yet. Stay tuned (as I told Mon hehehe) ;)

So for today, meet my children. Cinderella Louisa (Cindy), Princetopher Charming (Prince), Molleigh Anna, and Maddox Miller. Cindy is my little girl chihuahua. She loves loves loves clothes and is Mommy's girl. I think I love this dog more than I love my husband... Prince is our other chihuahua. He's a big baby, and definitely a mama AND daddy's boy! Molleigh is my lab mix. She was abandoned and was skin and bones and skiddish and a nervous wreck. Now she's as crazy and happy as the other 3. Maddox is the newer addition. He is a boxer, and Daddy's boy. He's so so lovable. He's a lot bigger now, I need new updated pictures of him. He hasn't lost that sweet puppy face though!!!












Currently we are all just sitting tight and seeing what tropical storm Hanna is up to! Every 5 minutes she changes course and could be upgraded to a Hurricane Category 1 at any moment. She's almost right by us, so I think the worst of it is over!!! Not too bad. I'm really eying Ike. He looks like a mean beast!!

**Edit- Christopher asked "How come I'm in some of the pictures and you're not? Am I one of the children?" Yes dear, more than you'll ever realize.... hehehe

Okay fine... here is one of me and Cindy (when I was brunette. yuck.) I call this...

PUPPY LONGSTOCKINGS

The list progress!

1. Start working out again.I mean, pretty much.
2. Start eating right. Only one helping of french fries since the list began!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT!
4. Become Sleeping Beauty They say your skin gets better before it gets worse, right???
5. Save some money.
6. Get my oil changed.
7. Go away with my husband! We had an AMAZING time camping this weekend, even if it was with other people. We had some extra special wine alone time Saturday night. Yummy.
8. May be look around for another part time job. I'm going to start watching my friend's new baby at the end of this month!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!!Drove over to my BFFs house last week because she was having the wedding blues (bridesmaid dropped out) and we went and took her puppy to the beach! And I didn't turn down a The Hills invitation, even when plans got changed later.
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant.
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. Well, the prozac anyways...
13. Be old Katie again!!

I can remember 1989, but not to do my Wii Fit!

Wow when I started this post I broke the A on my keyboard. I got it under control now. SHEW!!! That was close!!! I started to think about how often I actually use the A, and if it would be a problem. But after lots of bad words and throwing things, I fixed it! Woo hoo!!

Anyways, not much to report today! I am feeling a lot better, and I loved all the comments I got on my last (real) post. It was GREAT to see so many people that have been through what I have and make it on the other side alive and not in the looney bin. It gives me hope that I won't end up in a straight jacket before this is over! (Of course, it goes without saying I wish no one knew that feeling, but you know what I mean!)

Today I kinda just relaxed a reconnected with my young side. A couple weeks ago I purchased the Miley Cyrus cd (totally awesome, BTW) and today I watched High School Musical 1 & 2. They were pretty cute! I have to work for the next 4 days YUCK! I usually only work 2, but I guess I have to make the money to make up for that Wii some how!

Unless Hanna makes her way here on Friday and/or Saturday. She changes in the news every 5 seconds, so I won't know for sure until work tomorrow if I have to work or not. Of course I don't want it to be a bad hurricane, I mean who wants a horrible storm to come? But I would also like to not have to drive an hour to work in a category 1 hurricane. So if I don't have to, that'd be great! We have these little scares all the time, but I don't think I've actually been a real grown up that had a house and stuff to worry about! Our huge hurricane was Hugo in 1989 and I was 4!! All I remember is being at my grandmothers house and coming home to a tree fallen next to our house. It lifted up the fence between our yard and the niehgbor's and their grandson and I crawled in between each other's yards like it was the coolest thing in the world! Oh and my parents took a shower in the rain outside in their bathing suits. I remember that. I remember thinking they were so stupid. I recently told my mom this, and she said she thought I wouldn't do it because I was scared. Nope. Cause you looked like a lunatic mom. I also remember them blowing out a candle at night and I was scared because it was PITCH DARK! And I remember going for a walk and asking the electric guys when they would turn my electricity back on! Wow I have a great memory. :) Couldn't tell you what happened yesterday, but I remember September 1989!!

It's fun sometimes to reflect back on your youth and do youthful things. Keeps us young I guess. Reminds me of a simmpler time. Even though trees down, being scared about if my mom was alright because she had to stay and work in Charleston at the hospital, playing on my swing set and swinging into fallen trees, taking showers in the rain... I was being taken care of in all of those situations and I never really felt totally out of control. It's a peaceful feeling, being taken care of. May be a little Miley Cyrus and HSM does that for me. Reminds me of a simpler time. I do get a young feeling when I'm boppin along with those songs. Reminds me of the days my BFF Emily and I used to play Britney Spears in the car in high school on the way downtown to go shopping. We didn't have to worry about bills, just new sterling silver charms we could add to our charm bracelets at the Market!

ANYWAYS! That was fun ;) You should try it!

I have been slacking on my Wii Fit. And I have to work the next few days so that Wii Fit Board is going to give me a really really really hard time the next time I get on. The other day I had GAINED 3 pounds and he made me pick WHY I thought I had gained weight. What the heck?! Stupid board. and my husband had LOST weight. Isn't that just the icing on the cake? Mmmmm cake.... But seriously! I have been really good lately! I had french fries today just because I have been so good, but that is the only time I have been bad since I started this whole thing! Whatever. My weight changes every day depending on what I have eaten and if I have pooped, which I never do, so I'm not too worried about it I guess... I just need to be CONSISTANT on the things that I do and not slack off!

Hahahaha I can remember intricate details from when I was 4, but not to work out every day. Something is wrong there.... LOL

Post Secret.

Woah. I saw this on postsecret.com today. Sounds familiar? (hint hint, yesterday's post)

Hey! That's where I live!

Failure

It's so funny to me to watch myself go through the stages of grieving. I mean, I'm pretty much at the end, but when the miscarriage first happened, I remember the guilt, anger, and sadness feelings that I learned in school. It was weird to see myself going through all of those things. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get past all of this.

I am still so so so sad about losing my baby, but I don't think that is the big issue right now. I think I figured it out a little yesterday. I am really upset about being such a failure. I feel like a failure.

Let me start from the beginning of my reasonings. I always get what I want. Any guy I ever wanted bad enough, I got. Anything I want bad enough, I get. I'm a go getter. I will go and get whatever I want if my mind is set on it. I had the biggest crush on my husband when I was 17 and I told his mom and my mom that I was in love with him and we would get married one day. I knew the day I met my 10th grade boyfriend that we would go out. We were best friends for like a year, and then one day he came to his senses :) I wanted to get a boxer the day I got Maddox so bad that I drove 100 miles one way and when the guy didn't show up, I drove 100 miles the opposite way to get a different one. When I know I want something I go for it.

When I was growing up all I ever wanted to do was get married and have babies. I see people that I haven't seen in years and they ask how it's going and if I still want 8 kids. Okay, I don't think I want 8 anymore, but I do want to be a mommy! That is all I ever wanted in life was to be married, in love, with kids. I met the man of my dreams, and I love him more than I could ever imagine, so now it's kid time.

So we decided to get pregnant, and I was freaking pregnant when we decided and didn't even know it! I told you! I get what I want!

And then I lost her.

I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my husband, I have failed my parents and his parents, I failed giving my nieces a cousin, I failed my own dreams. I am a complete and utter failure. I mean, geez, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the dumb dog or 10th grade boyfriend, but my BABY?! It's like an extra slap in the face and punch in the stomach. My biggest fear now is that I will fail again. How in the WORLD could I make it through another loss? I don't think I could! I don't know how I would handle it. And not just in baby-making, everything! I am too afraid to do anything. Hence probably why I haven't taken that dang xray registry. I don't want to fail again. It sucks way too bad.

I sound like a spoiled little brat that gets everything she wants, but I don't mean to. Just being a mom is the one thing in life that I wanted to do more than anything else in the world and I failed at it. That is a major blow to the ego. it's like I suck at being a woman. Isn't that what women are supposed to do ultimately?! Women activists aside, a woman makes the babies. Okay, to be fair, I did make one... But I sure as heck couldn't seem to provide for it.

Not only did I fail myself and every one else, I failed my baby.