Monday, April 13, 2009

Absolutely Dumbfounded

I'll cut right to it.

I was on the phone with my mom and she said "weren't the pictures of Elizabeth's first Easter cute?" And I said "yeah its great seeing my friends all celebrate their babys' first holidays just like I should be doing" and she said...

"Oh get over it"

Yeah. Seriously. I can't believe it. I promptly hung up so that I wouldn't jeopardize the future possibility that I may ever talk to her again.

My mom is my best friend. We have been so so close. I can always go to her with and for anything. The fact that SHE said that to me has broken my heart and I feel pretty much alone.

And my husband is kinda on her side. He said that yes she really shouldn't have said that, but I shouldn't be mad at her, that she was right for getting upset when I said that.

So basically I have no one. Except Ellen, whom I texted asap and told her what happened. She's the only person who really understands me. And she lives 21 hours away. And you guys.

I mean am I being ridiculous?! SHOULD I be over this?! I mean, yeah it was an early miscarriage and most people don't count it as anything real, but I do and yeah, its has been over a year. But still. I got pregnant, lost it, and have been trying for a whole nother year with NOTHING. I think I deserve to be a little sad still???

Especially seeing my friends dye Easter eggs with their new babies, just like I should be doing?!

I am also so upset that I feel like my relationship with my mother has been altered. Forever. Its been a little strained in the last year because of the m/c and IF but I never in a million years expected her to say that to me. I'll never be able to talk to her the same. Not for a long time anyways...

I just feel really alone and sad right now.

9 people that love me told me so:

Kelli said...

Katie I don't even know what to say! I'm so sorry! I think it's hard for someone who has never gone through IF or m/c to truly understand the pain and sadness that come with it. Know that we are here and we understand. BIG HUGS!!

Elana Kahn said...

No, what she said to you was cruel and completely out of line. You are 100% allowed to be sad. *hugs*

Just Caz said...

I can't imagine how painful that must have been to hear from your own mom.

I think you did the right thing to hang up and cut the conversation there.

I don't think anything a parent could ever say to a child, would really be meant with the honest intention of hurting you like it did.

As painful as it is, and not having a mother anymore myself.
I would say forgive, and forget.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Katie, with absolutely NO disrespect to your Mum but shouldn't she be OVER acting like and saying things that a thoughtless teenage friend would say?

I too have held back letting go fully of my grief and putting it "out there" because people do judge you on it and they DO NOT understand what it's like to lose a baby, REGARDLESS of how far along you were with the pregnancy.

I don't believe you ever get over losing a child, and yes you lost a child. Your body didn't just terminate a pregnancy, you lost a child. A child that had started growing and forming, yes even at that early stage.

Grieve until you're ready not to grieve anymore, it takes as long as it takes, stuff what anyone else says or thinks.

Oh and if you need to vent, talk, laugh or cry, feel free to drop me a line anytime!!!

xxxxxx

twondra said...

Wow. I would be absolutely crushed. I can't believe she would say that. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

We're all here for you.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I'm so sorry she said that to you. In the past year I have learned that people say a lot of crappy things to us... thinking that they are helping or being supportive in a backwards kind of way. I wouldn't be surprised if she is sitting there, regretting what came out of her mouth and wishing she could take it back. Your feelings are more than valid... I would just suggest reinitiating the conversation before it changes your relationship with her too much. Maybe a phone call or a letter where you are able to explain how hurtful her lack of support is and how lonely this journey is would help? Know that all of us here are sending you hugs...

Monica LeMoine said...

((HUGS)) Katie! I'm so, so sorry! That story just pains me to read. Hang in there kiddo...I hope things get smoothed out and your mom finds some sensitivity.

Nina said...

I have a husband, a grandfather and a MIL (who, in all honesty, doesn't really count, but it still pissed me off) say this to me. No, you shouldn't be over it. Not unless you want to be. I lost my baby in June of last year and I'm not over it. It's been 10 months, I'm not pregnant yet, I have no explanation why, and I can't afford to find out, as my f_____ up insurance doesn't pay for any fertility testing or treatments. I'm a little bitter. I burst into tears last night over a post at LFCA. It was all about how when you want one so bad, all things baby hurt. You and I are in the same place. I want the nursery, carseat, diapers, etc. I hear people complain about messes and staying up all night and I want to wring their necks. I'd give my right arm to have the chance to do that right now. You take as long as you need. Fuck the others.

heyLyss09 said...

I can totally relate to this post. My mom is also my best friend, and she's implied over the past few months that I shouldn't be so upset over my loss. It's a terrible feeling to not be understood by the one person who's known you longer than anyone else in the world.

The other day I was out for ice cream with DH, and there had to be 5 pregnant women there. I tried not to notice them, but deep down I was knowing that I'm supposed to have a belly like that, too. DH didn't think anything of it and even pointed a woman out to me by saying "someone's turkey is done".

Sometimes people just don't get it, no matter how close to you they are.

I'm glad to have found your blog today. It's great to hear from other people who DO get it.

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