The Calm After The Storm

Hahahaha just kidding. I really thought I would get worse of a response from my post yesterday, but I didn't! I was really happy (happy? I'm never happy that we are in this situation) that a lot of other people felt the same as I did. As for the handful of comments against my view, I am glad to read them. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't feel that way. Like one of the women said, that is the beauty of our sisterhood. I also do understand that I am young and I am at the beginning of this possible years long journey, and for that I am grateful.

Going through a miscarriage I know how it feels. And I will never ever know how it feels never to get pregnant. And those who have never ever gotten a positive pregnancy test will never ever know how it feels to have a miscarriage. So we could go on forever, but we may just have to agree to disagree. I can't think of anything worse to experience in this subject, but that's me!

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Anyways, onward!!! Let's talk about the hubster's SA. He did well, didn't take too long. Hehehe this makes me laugh EVERY TIME I picture it. The boy sat on his knees on the floor because he didn't want to sit on the couch. He said he couldn't imagine all of the naked butts that sat on that couch and when the last time it had been wiped down. So he sat on his knees! I can't help but laugh! Then my BBC friends said they all helped their husband's with there's... I sat that one out because he isn't allowed porn at home so he was like a kid in a candy store. I let him have his fun.

It was also kinda nice to be somewhere where people knew what I was going through and deal with this every day. I really liked the clinic, so I know if I have to start going there as a patient I will feel comfortable.

They said we should get the results within 4 days. If we haven't heard by then, I have to call my doctor's office and get the results. I know my doctor's office and I'm sure I'll be calling them Friday. May be I'll just call them tomorrow... I'm impatient!

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I also want to welcome my BEST FRIEND Emily, she officially found my secret blog. I love her, and have been dying to tell her about it, but she outsmarted me and found it herself. Yaaay Emily :) (She's the one getting married, to all you old-bies)

Also, my 2 friends that got pregnant at the same time, that I may have mentioned toward the very beginning of my blog (you know, when I found out they were both pregnant the same weekend and cried and cried? yeah that one) are in labor today! I am so excited for them and I CAN NOT WAIT to meet Taylor and Elizabeth!

I'm probably going to make some enemies...

I'm probably going to make some enemies with this post, but it's my blog and I'll say what I want.

I'm having a great time with ICLW this time. It's been a little while since I have done it, and I am enjoying seeing some blogs I didn't before. Some of the stories are AMAZING.

However I have seen a little trend in blogs and on babycenter alike. Women that have never gotten pregnant and they are MAD that they haven't had a miscarriage. Are you freaking kidding me??? For example, there is a girl on babycenter and her signature says "No angels, no m/c, no BFP EVER!".(I have not been back) Holy cow. Would you like to have a dead baby??? I know infertility hurts. It hurts a lot. I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's not fair, it's frustrating, it hurts a lot. BUT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD hurt EVEN CLOSE to how bad it hurt when I lost my baby.

I don't give a rats butt if I had an early miscarriage. All I've ever wanted to be in my whole entire life was a mommy. I wanted to get married young and have lots of babies. I have people tell me that all the time that they remember when I was little that that's all I ever wanted to be. I love babies more than anything. I have been surrounding myself with kids for as long as I can remember. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest girl on earth. I fell immediately insanely unconditionally in love with that baby. I didn't stop smiling ONCE. I was FINALLY going to be a mommy and I was finally going to have a baby of my OWN. And then when that was just ripped away from me I almost died. I wanted to DIE. I was absolutely uncontrollably SAD that I can't even sit here and explain it.

I know I have a long way to go to be in some of these people's shoes, TTC for years and such, and I know it's shitty and I am so so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this. But I would rather not be able to get pregnant for a long time than ever go through what I went through. I probably sound really naive, but people that actually complain about not having a miscarriage, never having seen a BFP??? SERIOUSLY? You can HAVE my BFP and all the months I cried at a drop of the hat and all the months that my body has been screwed up and the friends that have babies that were born when mine was supposed to. Go ahead. Look at their pictures and pretend that you are happy for them when YOUR baby is supposed to be doing the exact same thing. You can have all the times I flushed my baby down the toilet that week. You can have all the times I had to tell people "oh I'm not pregnant anymore" and you can have all the guilt I have for never knowing if my baby was really okay or killed by my body. Would you want some of my friends' situations?? Carry your baby for 40 weeks and have the baby die the week you're due? Or have the doctor tell you that there is no way your baby is going to survive and having to make the decision to go ahead a deliver? Go through labor and deliver your DEAD baby? Go to your 12 week US and see that your baby died THE DAY BEFORE? Have multiple miscarriages? Feel your baby move in an ambulance and by the time you get upstairs to L&D your baby no longer has a heartbeat? HAVE AT IT. Because it sucks and I don't want it, and I'm sure anyone who has been through it doesn't either.

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Okay so anyway! Christopher's SA is today! I think he's nervous now. He was okay with it until yesterday when he actually realized what he's going to have to do. But he's a trooper. He wants a baby as much, if not more, than I do.

I rubbed them!

Well I rubbed them! It was fun! I felt silly when there were people there, so we waited until we were alone to rub them. The museum opened at 10 and we were there at 11 and there were already like 10-15 people that signed in before me that day to see them! And they were from all over the east. It was exciting!

We then went to Margaritaville and ate overprices food and drank overpriced margaritas and walked around Broadway At The Beach. On the way home we stopped at a Goodwill and I found the most FABULOUS painting for my living room! I was so excited!

So all in all we had a GREAT time and I just LOVED spending time with Christopher. I felt like we did when we went to Disney on our honeymoon. We had a little adventure together and had the most fabulous time just being together and doing something new. This trip was the best idea I've had in a long long time!

I'm going to rub them!

Yes we are going.

Tomorrow Christopher and I are packing up to drive 2 hours to Myrtle Beach to rub the FAMOUS African Fertility Statues and then driving back.

I really don't know if I believe in their authenticity. I mean, they are at RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT. And whether I believe it or not, I'm going to rub on those bad boys cause I want a baby. My mom thinks it's unchristian... I think it's just a bunch of fun. Christopher and I haven't done anything spontaneous and cool in forever. This will be something I will remember for a long time, whether it works or not.

I Love When My Husband Stands At My Head...

So today was the DOCTORS APPOINTMENT!!! Dum dum dum dum....

Anyways, we waiting for like an hour and a half... She was so freaking behind and calling back patients every 10 minutes, which means she was NOT giving them the time of day I am sure. I went back, still gaining weight, changed...

Christopher said that in the chair in the examing room they should have men's magazine's not women's. I thought that was a good valid point.

Then she came in and the husband, as strong and brave as he is, jumped from the foot of the bed in his chair to my head in a flash. I guess he doesn't want to see anything go in there that doesn't belong to him? He's going to get a rude awakening when this bumpy TTC road is up and there is a 15lb baby squeezing out... He thinks a speculum is bad... I talked as quickly as I could while she examined. She was really really nice and stayed to talk for minute. I was surprised! Pleasantly surprised!!

She said she wasn't worried about my eggs since I am so young. This age group she is worried about tubes and semen. So she ordered Christopher a semen analysis and said she would do a whole entire blood and hormone work up on me as well as order a HSG, but mentioned that they are really expensive. So we went ahead and got a script for the SA and I made an appointment. I am going back next month to talk to her about a game plan. This was just a yearly, so she didn't have time to go into a lot today. And I'm okay with that. We got a lot done, she was really helpful, and I have 2 things to look forward to!

The SA is at a fertility clinic down here and I am going to go with Christopher. I really want to see what it's all about and get some literature in case I end up a patient there. I am also excited about my HSG. I know that sounds weird... But I am an xray tech and I do them a lot. I am really excited to see my own insides up there on that double screen!!!!!

Also I bought "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility" and "A Few Good Eggs". Both offer equally good and LOL fun. I know TKOYF isn't SUPPOSED to make you laugh, but seriously. Have you seen it? May be my brain is stuck in 5th grade, but the lady crouching and sticking her finger inside to check her CM made me laugh out loud.

Christopher will forever be scarred by the words "Cervical Mucous."

Are you seriously kidding me right now?

I was at the bookstore yesterday looking for some good infertility books since I love obsessing over everything I possibly can. I stumbled upon the pregnancy books since I've heard horror stories of Infertility books being in the Pregnancy section.
This is what I found....

My Purse

Thank you Loren for this fun-TABULOUS tag!!!

Question 1: Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.


Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink Lisa B

Question 2: I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it. Also, what's inside your purse?
The purse costs $63. I work in a Vera Bradley store though, and I got is 50% off!!

Here is what is IN my purse:
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz 2009 Planner
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz All-In-One Wristlet (By far the best wallet EVER made)
- Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink Cosmetic Bag (full of Victoria Secret LIP GLOSSES!!!)
- Vera Bradley Apple Green Coin Purse (which is supposed to house my camera, which I have LOST!! Otherwise you'd be getting pictures!)
- Vera Bradley Hope Garden Nail File with holder
- Vera Bradley Raspberry Fizz Pocket Papers (GREAT for when I just need to jot something down really fast!)
- Pink iPod Nano
- Spring Valley Prenatal Vitamins
- Vera Bradley Peacock jewelry Roll
- Packet of safety pins
- Tampon
- Vera Bradley Cupcake Pink tape measure
- Pens
- Pink travel brush
- L & R(2) xray markers
- Light up heart valentine earrings
- Earrings (should probably put those in my jewelry roll...)
- Brighton charm bracelet

I obviously have a Vera problem....

Question 3: Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag purse.
If you haven't already done this, consider yourslef tagged!!!

Oops I Did It Again!

I am officially the most excited of ever ;)



As some of you may have noticed on the top left corner of the blog is a little widget boasting about how fabulous I am because I have tickets to see Britney Spears! WELL ONE CONCERT IS NOT ENOUGH DANG IT!

I am entering in a Britney-oake contest one week from tonight. I am ordering a red catsuit and I am learning the dance and going to kick some major Britney butt so I can see her twice. 2 times in 3 days! It's like the most fantabulous fantasy ever! I wish I could meet her... That would be even more great :)

Also, Ellen (who's music I'm LOVING right now!) and I have started a new BBC group for girls trying over a year with past losses. It's really annoying to hear fertile woman talk about how easy it is and infertile woman say "OMG I'VE NEVER HAD A MC OR BFP!!!" WTF??? You want my dead baby and the experience I had to go through with that? So we made a group for people dealing with infertility AND losses. If you're interested, let me know :) My name is sckatie on BBC!

I ALSO sign up for ICLW again this month. Wow I bombed the last time I did it, but I am going to try really really hard this time! I can't wait to meet some new blog friends and catch up with some old ones :)

I'm Changing AF's name

There is no way that my period is Aunt Flo. All my aunts are really really nice. I think from now on, my period will be called SA, Satan's Aunt. Cause she is giving me HELL right now!

I just started a new cycle. The last was 38 days. Ridiculous. I go to the doctor on Monday to talk about the dreaded INFERTILITY word. I have been trying for over a year now, and my miscarriage was in March. That's a year. Wow.

Honestly I'm not surprised. I always figured I'd have problems, being that my mother was told she'd never have kids. I was surprised when I got pregnant more than I am today. But even though I am not surprised, I am still mad and sad.

And I'm almost happy my cycle was so screwed up. They started to get regular again, but now may be, just may be, my doctor will be more aggressive due to my 10 day late SA. Is that bad??

So please oh faithful blogging friend who haven't given up on me when I have seemd to have given up on you. What should I expect and what should I ask?

I plan on becoming a regular poster again. I need you guys more than I remembered. It's been busy here, but I am cutting SOMETHING out for y'all! I need you guys!

It's Me!!

Hola! I am here! Thanks to my FBBFE (Favorite Best Blog Friends Ever- Yup I made that up! Don't steal it like Ashliehg stole SSSS, Someone Secret So Shhh, as in I Heart SSSS, in 5th grade. Thanks. hehe) Monica and Shannon. I am here. Here I am! My computer is broken, so I am pretty much and outsider to the internet world. I so sad.

In these past few months that you have missed me (ha.) I have... Gone to Missouri to see my nieces again (drove. 20 hours. Each way. With the inlaws. A whole other story.), read ALL 4 Twilight books (love, love, love them), taken up reading like I used to (a book every couple days... No internet has done this to me!), not gotten pregnant again, had 2 or 3 miscarriage meltdowns (current one being my due date is coming up and 2 of the 3 friends that got pregnant with me had their babies. the 3rd is being induced this week), got my oil changed (it's been over a year!), got an iPod Nano (my new BFF thanks to the new Taylor Swift cd!), got drunk a lot, dressed up as Rainbow Brite for Halloween, drank tons and tons of formaldehyde (diet pepsi/coke for the newbies stumbling over), and worked a lot.

So all in all, same ol same ol ;)

I miss my blog family so so much!!! Occasionally I get on and try to catch up on everyone, but usually I'm at work, and it doesn't work out so well!!! But you are all in my thoughts xoxox