Why I Love Her

Me: Have you ever thought about stealing a speculum, cathetor and syringe from work and do your own IUI?

Ellen: Hahahahahaha Not until now... F#!@ I've got a straw and some salad tongs... I could make it work

Last Night's Follow-up

If you haven't read yesterday's post about my phone call with my mom, scroll down a little and read. I'll wait here....


Okay well first off I want to say thanks so much for all of the comments. I haven't talked to her yet, but now that I have slept on it and read your notes I feel like I should post again.

I posted last night literally within 5-10 minutes of the phone call and resulting hang up. I was really really upset and all of those feelings were real and raw. This morning I'm feeling a little less lost and emotional about it.
She texted me and asked me why I was mad. She doesn't know. She had a margarita at dinner and was actually a bit drunk. I don't for one second think that she didn't mean what she said. I know she did since people say what they really think when drunk. But I think she didn't mean to say it. I've known for a while that she thinks I should be over this. My mom had/has PCOS and she and my dad both were told they wouldn't be able to have kids. She just accepted it. She never really liked kids that much, and really wasn't upset about it. So even though she knows how much I love children and want a baby, I don't think she understands my sorrow and want.

Anyways I texted her back and told her what she said to me because she didn't remember, and then told her she really hurt my feelings and I never ever expected her to ever say that to me. She wrote back and said she has no clue waht she said and she was so so sorry for hurting my feelings etc. So I wrote HER back (lol sorry) and told her. She hasn't texted me since. So I don't know what's going on but I'm sure she'll call me later.

I don't think our relationship will be forever changed like I thought last night. I think I'll not be talking about the m/c with her anymore, but that is just one other person I suppose!

Thanks again so much for your comments. It made me feel better to know I had reason to be upset and to get a couple pieces of advice to forgive and forget. I'll let yall know what happens...

(Sorry for any typos in these posts. I'm on my phone, so no spell check or patience to look through myself lol!)

Absolutely Dumbfounded

I'll cut right to it.

I was on the phone with my mom and she said "weren't the pictures of Elizabeth's first Easter cute?" And I said "yeah its great seeing my friends all celebrate their babys' first holidays just like I should be doing" and she said...

"Oh get over it"

Yeah. Seriously. I can't believe it. I promptly hung up so that I wouldn't jeopardize the future possibility that I may ever talk to her again.

My mom is my best friend. We have been so so close. I can always go to her with and for anything. The fact that SHE said that to me has broken my heart and I feel pretty much alone.

And my husband is kinda on her side. He said that yes she really shouldn't have said that, but I shouldn't be mad at her, that she was right for getting upset when I said that.

So basically I have no one. Except Ellen, whom I texted asap and told her what happened. She's the only person who really understands me. And she lives 21 hours away. And you guys.

I mean am I being ridiculous?! SHOULD I be over this?! I mean, yeah it was an early miscarriage and most people don't count it as anything real, but I do and yeah, its has been over a year. But still. I got pregnant, lost it, and have been trying for a whole nother year with NOTHING. I think I deserve to be a little sad still???

Especially seeing my friends dye Easter eggs with their new babies, just like I should be doing?!

I am also so upset that I feel like my relationship with my mother has been altered. Forever. Its been a little strained in the last year because of the m/c and IF but I never in a million years expected her to say that to me. I'll never be able to talk to her the same. Not for a long time anyways...

I just feel really alone and sad right now.

Sisterhood Award!!

I was given this Sisterhood Award from Tiffany. She is so so sweet and her postings are always so positive and uplifting. I hope that one day I can be as at peace with her self and God when it comes to infertility, and every thing really.

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

1. Ellen of course because she's my sweet cheeks!
2. Loren
3. Liv
4. Mrs. R (great adoption blog if you're interested! Her daily tweets are just as great)
5. Nic
6. Where's Baby (What's your REAL name?!)
7. Alicia
8. Kelli (She's fairly new, go say Hello!)
9. Mrs. Gamgee
10. Parenthood For Me!

Day 1

So today is CD4. I went to the hospital yesterday to do my CD3 blood work and US. The stupid hospital wanted hundreds of dollars for a copay that I was NOT able OR willing to pay. So I had a bit of a breakdown afterwards going from "WE SHOULDN'T BE PARENTS" to "I HATE THIS PLACE" to lots of other comments and exclamations that I'm sure my husband thought were absolutely absurd. But he happens to be the best husband in the world and instead of getting mad at me for being upset, he stopped at the grocery store and got me my favorite kind of pretzels and a 2 liter diet coke!

I called the doctor on call and he said to be at the office at 8:30 this morning to talk to my nurse and doctor. When I pulled up, my doctor did as well (in a Lexus btw) and she said we could do everything this morning.

So I had CD4 blood work and US today and took my Clomid when I got home!

I am officially taking hormones to help knock myself up. Fun huh?? I also bought Christopher some Zinc to help with motility. My head is hurting a lot though. It has been hurting since CD1 and now is getting worse, if possible.

They're Here!

I went and picked up my Clomid today! It's CD1! So Sunday I will start! I guess I am going to take it at night because my US and BW is later and I'm not supposed to take it until after the tests. I'm so excited!

Christopher is NOT! I can be an evil witch at AF time, no drugs present. I can't imagine what hell he may face next week!

Also I got my SOCKS! Yaaaay I'm so happy. I don't feel so left out now LOL ;)

Here we go!!

I had my appointment yesterday for my colposcopy. It was all beningn, YAAY!

So it's official! Clomid starts next cycle, which will be next week. Come on twins, Mommy is waiting on you!!!

Spring Has Sprung!

Thanks everyone for the supportive comments on yesterday's post! I got home and in bed at 8am and fell immediately asleep and woke up at about 4. Then Christopher brought me some fruit loops (thanks for the idea Ellen!) and made me spaghetti and let me pick out whatever movie I wanted to watch. So we watched Twilight. Again.

I just took my our lab Molleigh for a walk to the mailbox. We live on a dirt road and it's .5 miles from the head of the road to our house. So Molliegh dragged me the whole way there and back and my leg muscles are twitching so bad!!! I never ever work out, so a mile walk is HUGE for me. I really need to lose some weight, so may be I can make this a regular thing. I have 5 dogs, so a different dog a day! But it was so so pretty outside and I just smelled flowers everywhere! It's nice and warm today too. Although Molleigh has obviously forgotten how to walk on a leash, I think she still had fun!

Here are a couple pictures from our walk, and then some previous pictures I have taken of our land and house! Most of them are cell phone quality, sorry!


Here's Molleigh on our walk!




Our house and front yard




Christopher walking ahead on our driveway! Georgie my Beetle Bug is in this pic too ;)


Here is Kain, Maddox, and Molliegh. Kain is Christopher's BFF's dog that we are keeping for a year and a half. The BFF is stationed in North Dakota and can't have the dog in a single soldier barrack, so here he is at our house. So I now house 5 dogs and a cat! BTW Kain is NOT pooping n this picture, he's going to sit down.


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BTW- I still have not received my socks for the sock exchange :( That makes me kinda sad...

March 29th

It's March 29th. 3:52 in the morning. I am working overnight tonight (if you couldn't tell by my countdown Tweets on the right side) and I am kind of in disbelief.

I can't believe-
I had a miscarriage
It has been one year since my miscarriage
That this actually happened to me
That I am a totally different person and will be for the rest of my life because of this experience
The fog I feel like I am in
The empty feeling
That I'm not really sad right now, just foggy
That a whole entire year has gone by. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months.
I'm not pregnant again yet.
What a horrible dark pit of hell I got into last year.
That I remember exactly how I felt when I woke up that morning, one year ago. Like something was wrong. Like crap. ugh I felt so yucky when I woke up.
That I remember what I was supposed to do that day. I was supposed to be keeping my nieces because my SIL went upstate to visit her mom.
That I remember how sick I felt to my stomach when I saw blood.
That I somehow heard and remember my MIL whispering to my husband in the next room to stay home from work with me because I was scared.
That when my mom came to my house and saw me lying in the bed she immediately started crying and said "You know, don't you?"
The awful ER experience I had.
That I remember walking to the bathroom in the ER barefoot and thinking how gross it was but how I didn't really care.
That the nurse told me to eat an ice cream sundae and I would feel better.
How ironic it was that after she said that, she said "you're still young, just try again." A year later I am still trying.
The way I sobbed uncontrollably everytime I went to the bathroom and had to flush away my baby.
The way I laid on top of my husband and just cried and sobbed and moaned and screamed and yelled and slept.
That horrible feeling I felt. For a long long time. I don't know how I got myself out of it and I don't even want to remember what it felt like because it makes me want to throw up.
That my baby died.


I am glad I am working over night. I want to spend March 29th this exact way, every single year... Sleeping. I will sleep it all away. And I won't talk to anyone and I will mope and feel awful because I'm allowed. My baby's heart stopped beating in my belly one year ago. It could have happened right now. at 4:00am. Or may be it never even started. Who knows. I don't know, and that's half of why this sucks. I don't know anything about that baby that lived inside of me for such a short while except that I loved her with every piece of my soul the SECOND I thought she was in there. And I know that when she was gone it felt like she took that soul with her. Everything was gone. My baby was gone, and that was, is, and will be all I ever ever wanted my entire life.

Will these memories ever go away? Will I ever forget those things that happened?? Will I ever not remember every single detail to the design on my hospital gown? Will I ever forget that dark sad feeling I carried around in my heart for so long? Will I ever have a March 29th and not remember?

Disgusted

I am absolutely disgusted. I am almost in tears at the moment by the way some people in this world behave.

I was using the Google Machine (IDK why I call it that. It makes me laugh) for 2010 TTC blinkies and came across a baby-gaga.com forum and there were these two girls talking about trying to get pregnant and then continued on talking about how they smoke marijuana to regulate their cycles and ease their cramps. Another girl called them on it and they attacked her and continued to say how they probably won't quit smoking while they are pregnant because there is no evidence that suggests that harm is done to the fetus and one girl goes as far as saying that her BOYFRIEND (not husband, not fiance... not judging sorry, but this girl is obviously immature) 's mom smoked when she was pregnant with him and he's fine and creative. I am not making this crap up. I am serious. So I wrote them back and said

"May be y'all should grow up before you try to get pregnant. That lifestyle wouldn't be healthy for a baby. And really pisses of people that can't get pregnant and would give a baby a good home.
And please visit the March Of Dimes so you can see what smoking does to fetuses. Low birth weight and early birth is not a joke. They can both be life threatening. Y'all obviously aren't mature enough to put another life ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILD'S before you're own. Just wait awhile."

It absolutely INFURIATES me that these kind of girls are getting pregnant and I can't. I'm still trying to process Alicia's blog that I read yesterday from October that she wasn't approved for adoption because she sought medical attention for depression stemming from IF but MONSTERS are able to have and keep all the children they want. It is exactly right. I am just so absolutely heartbroken that a child is going to be born into these peoples' lives one day and that baby is going to grow up in a horrible family and house and will grow into exactly what they know and probably treat other people just as bad. I don't have the most stable household in the world but it sure as hell is better than THAT. My friend Ellen has been told that she probably will never be pregnant and have her own children unless through a 3rd party or adoption. Sharon is going through her umpteenth IVF and it's not looking positive. Alicia, Ellen, Sharon, and I are just 4 very tiny small examples of why this whole thing is just SCREWED UP. I just don't understand why this happens at all. There can be "bad things" in the world but why does bringing poor defenseless babies in horrible homes while there are wonderful homes and parents praying every night for them? I really don't get it at all.

Here's the link if you want to see and/or bitch for yourself- http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about551838.html and read Ellen's blog for her updated post. We're going to be a internet-bitch-slap-team-to-save-babies!