Absolutely Dumbfounded

I'll cut right to it.

I was on the phone with my mom and she said "weren't the pictures of Elizabeth's first Easter cute?" And I said "yeah its great seeing my friends all celebrate their babys' first holidays just like I should be doing" and she said...

"Oh get over it"

Yeah. Seriously. I can't believe it. I promptly hung up so that I wouldn't jeopardize the future possibility that I may ever talk to her again.

My mom is my best friend. We have been so so close. I can always go to her with and for anything. The fact that SHE said that to me has broken my heart and I feel pretty much alone.

And my husband is kinda on her side. He said that yes she really shouldn't have said that, but I shouldn't be mad at her, that she was right for getting upset when I said that.

So basically I have no one. Except Ellen, whom I texted asap and told her what happened. She's the only person who really understands me. And she lives 21 hours away. And you guys.

I mean am I being ridiculous?! SHOULD I be over this?! I mean, yeah it was an early miscarriage and most people don't count it as anything real, but I do and yeah, its has been over a year. But still. I got pregnant, lost it, and have been trying for a whole nother year with NOTHING. I think I deserve to be a little sad still???

Especially seeing my friends dye Easter eggs with their new babies, just like I should be doing?!

I am also so upset that I feel like my relationship with my mother has been altered. Forever. Its been a little strained in the last year because of the m/c and IF but I never in a million years expected her to say that to me. I'll never be able to talk to her the same. Not for a long time anyways...

I just feel really alone and sad right now.

Babies

I love babies. They are so beautiful and loving and smell so sweet and I love when they fuss and then you hold them tight and they stop crying and look at me with big baby eyes. I LOVE IT. I crave it. I want it.

Yesterday my friend's baby came out of Level 2 yaaaay!! She's GREAT and I got to hold her and kiss her and love all over her. She's perfect. My friend's husband and mom went to get some drinks from the cafeteria and we three had a little while together. My friend started telling me she can't believe that I'm not bitter. I told her I'm never bitter about babies. I love babies. She told ne to be completly honest that she knew she wouldn't be able to handle these moments like I have. I told her I love her and the baby more than I am sad. It's the dumb Bs that complain and don't deserve babies who make me mad. I told her I was a litle jealous but not at all bitter towards her.

It's a lot easier for me not to be jealous when I'm consumed in baby love. That baby is so so cuddly and just gorgeous. I'm so happy for them but man it makes me want a baby so so bad.

Another friend of mine is pregnant. She is in her 5th week. She has a son who is one and hasn't been able to get past 6 weeks with her past 2 pregnancies. She confided in me today that she was pregnant (cause I kinda guessed it) and she is so so scared and hasn't told anyone that she was pregnant because her other two didn't work out. Please help me pray for her and her new baby to have a long healthy 9 months.

On kitten news... He doesn't love me. He loves his daddy. And his brother, who belongs to my mother in law, adores me. So sad.

New Additions!!!

This post will be full of new babies, human and not!

We got a kitten! He is so so cute! We adopted him from the SPCA. My mother in law adopted his brother. They are an off white color, may be a super light orange? We can't think of a name for him... He's so slinky! He reminds me of The Grinch when he slides across the floor, cause he does it hehe. He also sleeps with his legs all stretched all the way out. He's so funny.

My friends also had their babies. I went and saw my best friend yesterday. She ended up having to have a csection and the baby wasn't breathing correctly so she's in level 2. My friend didn't see her for 13 HOURS. They wouldn't let my friend go there even after the baby was fine. It was horrible. A mommy needs to bond with her baby. My friend was just seeing pictures that her husband was bringing her and she said she look. Ed and said "that baby's cute. She doesn't look like my baby." It wasn't until she finally held her that she got to bond with her daughter. I am livid. And the baby wouldn't eat until my friend fed her. She knows who her mommy is and she wanted her. Hopefully the baby will be out of level 2 today and I'll get to see her.

So as I sit thete the inevitable feeling crept up. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. All of my friends are becoming mommies and I'm being left behind. The one thing I want more than anything is being slowly ripped away and given to everyone else I know. Watching my friend's husband help her pump and go back and forth to update her on the baby and boast about how fabulous she was in labor... It made my heart ache a lot.

But I have a new kitty now, so I'll just dwell on that.

The Calm After The Storm

Hahahaha just kidding. I really thought I would get worse of a response from my post yesterday, but I didn't! I was really happy (happy? I'm never happy that we are in this situation) that a lot of other people felt the same as I did. As for the handful of comments against my view, I am glad to read them. I understand where they are coming from, but I just don't feel that way. Like one of the women said, that is the beauty of our sisterhood. I also do understand that I am young and I am at the beginning of this possible years long journey, and for that I am grateful.

Going through a miscarriage I know how it feels. And I will never ever know how it feels never to get pregnant. And those who have never ever gotten a positive pregnancy test will never ever know how it feels to have a miscarriage. So we could go on forever, but we may just have to agree to disagree. I can't think of anything worse to experience in this subject, but that's me!

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Anyways, onward!!! Let's talk about the hubster's SA. He did well, didn't take too long. Hehehe this makes me laugh EVERY TIME I picture it. The boy sat on his knees on the floor because he didn't want to sit on the couch. He said he couldn't imagine all of the naked butts that sat on that couch and when the last time it had been wiped down. So he sat on his knees! I can't help but laugh! Then my BBC friends said they all helped their husband's with there's... I sat that one out because he isn't allowed porn at home so he was like a kid in a candy store. I let him have his fun.

It was also kinda nice to be somewhere where people knew what I was going through and deal with this every day. I really liked the clinic, so I know if I have to start going there as a patient I will feel comfortable.

They said we should get the results within 4 days. If we haven't heard by then, I have to call my doctor's office and get the results. I know my doctor's office and I'm sure I'll be calling them Friday. May be I'll just call them tomorrow... I'm impatient!

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I also want to welcome my BEST FRIEND Emily, she officially found my secret blog. I love her, and have been dying to tell her about it, but she outsmarted me and found it herself. Yaaay Emily :) (She's the one getting married, to all you old-bies)

Also, my 2 friends that got pregnant at the same time, that I may have mentioned toward the very beginning of my blog (you know, when I found out they were both pregnant the same weekend and cried and cried? yeah that one) are in labor today! I am so excited for them and I CAN NOT WAIT to meet Taylor and Elizabeth!

It's Me!!

Hola! I am here! Thanks to my FBBFE (Favorite Best Blog Friends Ever- Yup I made that up! Don't steal it like Ashliehg stole SSSS, Someone Secret So Shhh, as in I Heart SSSS, in 5th grade. Thanks. hehe) Monica and Shannon. I am here. Here I am! My computer is broken, so I am pretty much and outsider to the internet world. I so sad.

In these past few months that you have missed me (ha.) I have... Gone to Missouri to see my nieces again (drove. 20 hours. Each way. With the inlaws. A whole other story.), read ALL 4 Twilight books (love, love, love them), taken up reading like I used to (a book every couple days... No internet has done this to me!), not gotten pregnant again, had 2 or 3 miscarriage meltdowns (current one being my due date is coming up and 2 of the 3 friends that got pregnant with me had their babies. the 3rd is being induced this week), got my oil changed (it's been over a year!), got an iPod Nano (my new BFF thanks to the new Taylor Swift cd!), got drunk a lot, dressed up as Rainbow Brite for Halloween, drank tons and tons of formaldehyde (diet pepsi/coke for the newbies stumbling over), and worked a lot.

So all in all, same ol same ol ;)

I miss my blog family so so much!!! Occasionally I get on and try to catch up on everyone, but usually I'm at work, and it doesn't work out so well!!! But you are all in my thoughts xoxox

Hello My Highly Missed Friends!

Yes, I have been MIA, but I miss you ;) Yes, you!

My laptop is broken. :( I so so sad. Tomorrow we are leaving for Missouri to see my nieces though! I am so so so happy and so excited!

AF started today, so my break is OVER. I didn't do half the crap on my list, but whatever. TTC will begin again!

I am doing much much better. I had one drunk mc meltdown, but it was short and the first one since July. And it was after hanging out with a pregnant friend. I even looked a friend's baby shower pics. I am totally good right now.

My bday is December 29th and for my whole life every 29th of every month I would announce how many months till my birthday. Well my m/c was on March 29th, and since then all I have thought was how many months it had been since my baby died... I figured my fun countdown had come to a stop. WELP! Not on Septmber 29th! I told someone the date and said "Oh! 3 months til my birthday!" and THEN remembered 6 months since the m/c. Yaaay I'm going to eventually heal one day after all, right??? :)

BTW, currently reading book 3 of the Twilight series... OMG who is in LOVE with Edward as much as I?!?!?!?!?!?!

Feeling Okay!

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. It comes in waves I guess. I went to a movie yesterday with my BFF and 2 other really great friend, the pregnant one included, and I loved on her cutie little baby belly. I was pretty proud of myself. I said SOMETHING silly teasing around and she started to say "Hey, if you want it you can.... (or something to that effect...)" pointing to her belly, and then I think she realized what she was saying and I just laughed and someone said something else. If I was in a "bad place" last night I would have said "SURE I'LL TAKE IT" but it didn't really bother me. IDK. It was weird!

But on my list of ways to better myself I put join a small group, and we did, and at the prayer request time I asked for people to pray for me because I have been having such a hard time with the miscarriage (and I CRIED! I haven't cried about it in forever...) and I think it really has been helping! The power of prayer is AMAZING! Now I just have to get them to pray for me to get preggers hehehe

In TMI news, I started AF this morning, and I went to my old Babycenter board to see when I started last month, and my cycle was only 27 days!!! OMG! I've been having 35+ day cycles, and that was close to 28! I'm ecstatic. Hopefully that means my body is getting back to normal. I've read that after a miscarriage your body can take up to 6 months to get back to normal. It's been almost 6 months, so I guess it is true! Only one more month till we "try" again, although we haven't done anything differently, but whatever ;)

I'm going to start watching my friend's baby at the end of the month. I went by there yesterday, and that baby is the cutiest little baby in the WORLD!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks!!! He's adorable!!!

27 days until I get to see my nieces!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

What did I EVER do to the universe??

Cause the universe DEFINITELY is against me. Here are the reasons why in pretty little bullets. First time ever using...

• My baby died. Duh.
• One of my friend's that is due when I am sends me pictures and texts on a regular basis talking about how much longer she has left and how cute her belly is. I love her, and I love to hear, but sometimes it's a painful reminder.
• One day I went to the cafeteria at work (I work at a hospital) and the pregnancy tour just ended and there were 10+ pregnant women in there.
• One of my closest friends got pregnant on accident. Lucky.
• Saturday I went to the cafeteria and remembered it was "PREGNANCY CELEBRATION" and there were 100+++ pregnant women celebrating their pregnancies and another 100+ newborns. Wow I really wanted to slit my throat this weekend.
• Yesterday my CPR class teacher was pregnant and "due around Thanksgiving". Oh yeah, me too. But wait, my baby is dead. I ALMOST forgot.
• Everyone and their mom are pregnant.
  

It's just annoying. EVERY ONE around me is pregnant! Thank GOD the last pregnant girl in our department had her baby. So the 8 pregnant girls are done. Time for a new cycle!!!!

My friend sent me a "medal" of a saint that was blessed by her priest. She said she got pregnant the first month she got hers. Well I put it in my bedside table since I am taking a break right now, and I haven't given it much more thought. The other day I rolled over and OMG THERE IT WAS! IN THE BED! Later I found out my husband grabbed the envelope to write a number really quick, but crap man. I was LAYING on it! Soooooo as pregnant as I want to be, I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. I immediately emailed my friend and blamed her for everything. hahahahahaha. It was really a funny experience, and I'm sure if I get pregnant this month, that'll be why!! I'm not catholic, so I don't really know what to do with it, but I am pretty sure rolling around on it while probably doing the deed will probably result in a baby in 9 months. We will see. Hey, it's not the worst thing that could happen!!!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I got a book called The Conception Chronicles. It looks funny. It better be KuKd funny, cause that is what I have in mind. You know, there is a Women's Health section, Pregnancy Section, but no Dead Baby section. It would be really nice if there was with some books, fiction and non fiction, available for me to skim through and buy! I like to realte to my characters, and I just wanted a book that I could cry and laugh through about the current things I am feeling. But I couldn't find any. So hurry up Monica and write your book :):)

Post Secret.

Woah. I saw this on postsecret.com today. Sounds familiar? (hint hint, yesterday's post)

KuKd

Monica from Knocked Up Knocked Down kills me. She's so freaking hilarious. She's the kinda blog writer I like to read :)

She made a little pictorial of her KuKd journey, so I thought I would too!!! (Definitely read her blog for her definition of Knock Up, Knocked Down.)

awww fun Katie and her sister in law! February! No more BCPs, but not really thinking much about baby yet..... Just seeing what happens!! She's so happy and so carefree... I miss her... Fun Katie and SIL...

In Atlanta for a Rad Tech conference sending kisses home to my husband!!! March 2nd, month of KuKd. Totally oblivious to the HELL that will soon be falling into my lap (or toilet...) in less than a week. Aahhhh so naive... (Phone pic, sorry for quality!)

Almost Easter! At CVS getting our passport pictures done for our Rad Tech Registry applications. We were both pregnant here and didn't even know it yet!!!! (another phone pic!)

Awww pregnant me. All tired and knocked up... That is my niece Regan. Her mommy was buying a new car and I was trying to keep this hell-fire child sane and under control. I remember being so so so scared of picking her and her little sister up.... (once again, phone pic...)

One week after miscarriage. Ignore the date. It's wrong. Oh and look! It's Kelly! Still pregnant! Her baby shower is next weekend. She's having a boy. His name is Jarrett. Hmm. Wonder when my baby shower would be. What I would be having. What it's name would be?!

April 29th. One month after miscarriage. First totally drunken night after miscarriage. Huge giant miscarriage drunk meltdown alllllll the way home from Wild Wings! Isn't my husband hot?!

Maddox, possible whole-in-heart-filler-upper? Probably. If he didn't eat poop.


Sometime this summer. Just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant. On accident. Not planned. Has 2 kids already (one just turned 1). Totally happy for her, but now I'm pretty sure God is making me wait my turn through this long long line of people I know who have JUST had babies getting pregnant again before I'm up again. BTW that is a fake smile.

Few days ago trying on bridesmaids dresses with my BFF, bride-to-be, Emily. Looking like my normal Katie there. Very refreshing picture.... Real smile.

What about me?!?!

I had an okay weekend! Saturday I worked 16 hours. That was okay. Not too busy, but lots of crazy people!!!! Yesterday Christopher and I went to church and his cousin and his little girl came. Then we went to the water park.

Then we came home and I started doing snooping which I should never do. I learned that the girls that have the same due dates that I did are now planning their baby showers. So I missed feeling the baby moving the first time, finding out what the sexes were, and now baby showers. Fantastic. No other way to smear my dead baby in my face than parties!!

I mean, I know DUH they aren't doing this to hurt me, but it just is a huge kick right in the stomach.

Oh and I almost forgot. Seeing pregnant woman doesn't make me too sad much anymore. But Saturday I went to the hospital cafeteria to get lunch and the hospital must have done their Labor and Delivery tour, cause there they are were. 10+ pregnant woman all walking around me with their cute little bellies and happy little husbands. Seriously?!?!?!?! Sometimes I wonder just WHY that kind of crap happens to me. SERIOUSLY?! God couldn't have waited 10 minutes to send one or the other down there?!?! What's the deal? I'm having a hard enough time coping with this as it is I don't need bellies in my face. I've never actually been MAD at pregnant people as I was Saturday. I just wanted to yell at them and tell them to all go away.

Prayers Please!!!

A friend of mine had a baby Thursday! She was a month early, but already 6 pounds and perfectly healthy. She got stuck in the birth canal however and they had to use a vacuum to get her out and it caused a hematoma on her head and she had to be taken to our NICU here in Charleston at the Children's Hospital. There they realized it wasn't as bad as first suspected, but then today she stopped breathing 3 times. Her name is Kenzie. If you could please pray for Kenzie's speedy recovery and strength for my friend and her husband. I can't even imagine how worried and helpless they are feeling right now!

Well the new friends are cool...

Hmm This blog began as an outlet to vent, but I think now it's turning into a place to prove MYSELF wrong, that YES TTC IS fun!

hahaha we will see. Today might just be a good day :) Christopher and I have been sitting in bed reading all day long. I finished "Something Borrowed" that I started Saturday (it was that good!) and started "Something Blue". He's reading "Treasure Island". Silly boy hehehe.

I'm loving all the comments I am getting. I didn't even realize that I HAD comments LOL! I have no idea why, but Kathy's comment about her November 30th EDD angel (same EDD as mine...) made me smile. Of course I am most definitely SO SORRY for her loss, but knowing that I DO have a baby, and she has something in common with someone else... It makes me happy. Weird I know...

Thursday night I drove with my MIL to Hilton Head (just a few hours from our house, and the beach and ocean were so much different! it was crazy!). She has had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn. She told me the story of her stillborn and it broke my heart. A month ago I asked her when she stopped being sad about her babies and she said 30+ years later she is still sad. She has been a huge help to me this last month, but I think she thinks I'm crazy ;). I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, which I believe is definitely true. I have no problem talking about my feelings, that's for sure.

I think people with blogs have to have that kind of personality LOL

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for fibroids. My mother and my grandmother had them and my MIL as well. So I'm kinda nervous, but kinda not. I feel like I SHOULD be nervous, but I'm not. I don't know how I feel about it. I need to get the result of my bloodwork and my pap though, so don't let me forget ;)

So why the title of the blog?

Well I hear all my friends say "OMG getting pregnant was sooo easyy!!!" I watch friend after friend get pregnant in a matter of the time it takes to tie a shoe. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes at me when I was pregnant in a week.

Okay so. I got pregnant. That's supposedly half the battle right? I guess so.

So when I made the decision to TTC again (probably for the wrong reasons, but we'll get to that...) I figured HEY! Lots of people get pregnant INSTANTLY after a m/c! This will be CAKE!

Yeah. Until cycle 2 came 3 days early, cycle 3 came 5 days late at 11 days luteal phase and cycle 4 came 4 days late at 6!!! luteal days. Wow. My body isn't even giving my baby a dang chance to implant if she wanted to!!!

The stress of OPTs and luteal phases is just too much. And if I see one more stupid BFN I'll be ticked.

So this month I am just doing what the doctor ordered. Sex every 4th day. NO OPTs! And when I THINK I'm Ovulating, bump it up to every 3rd day.

I'm ready to not have TTC taking over my life. I have just come to realize that I am in no way shape or form over my miscarriage. Half of me wants to get pregnant NOW so I will be pregnant and happy on November 30th, my due date for my angel baby. It's going to be hard, and I think it will be harder without another miracle keeping my mind off of it...

I've met some amazing support on my BBC thread. I love those girls to pieces! I don't know WHAT I would have done without them! They have really helped me through this. We are all in the same boat. Miscarriages in the spring. Losing our Fall babies. Half of us are pregnant again (SOOO happy for them) and the other half is just trucking along. Half of that half are having fertility problems (I'm going to just throw myself in the category for sake of the conversation. I'm getting medical attention, so that is enough for me) and the other half is split into girls on break from yet another m/c, vacation, health insurance or piece of mind, and girls that just are getting AFs every month and just taking it in stride.

I would just throw myself into a category of most women. Takes up to a year to get pregnant. but with these short luteal phases, something is up. And I need some answers. STAT.

Really all I want in the world is to be 21 weeks pregnant. I have 3 girlfriends that found out they were pregnant the week I did. They just found out the sexes (1 boy, 2 girls) and are feeling their babies kick for the first time. Those are some lucky ladies right there. OH MY GOSH what I wouldn't give to have my baby back....

It's crazy how attached I felt in such a short time. That just proves the amazing love a woman has for her child. You never know it until you have it. I wish I could have it back.