Feeling Blue + an IMPORTANT update!

I've just been feeling a little blue. For one, I had morning sickness today. WTF is up with that?! I'm almost 17 weeks! Don't mix grapes and Capri Sun...

I'm really bummed about not showing. Like I said, I'm almost 17 weeks, and I'm ready for a baby belly. I think I'm just having a really hard time getting excited. I really don't believe that this will happen. Do you ever get that feeling? I remember in high school about to graduate "this will never ever happen. I can't believe it. something bad will happen, I won't graduate." Then when I was in xray school I remember the semester before we started clinicals, "This will never happen. I can't see myself at clinicals. Something's going to happen." That's how I feel about this baby. I really don't see this happening at all. I don't know if it's the twin thing or what. I felt totally excited at the beginning of my pregnancy, but now, I just don't. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I love reading about what he's doing every week and how big he is (even though you can't tell...) and I love seeing him on an US. But besides that, I feel nothing. I'm just ready to start showing and start feeling him move around. May be then it will feel more real to me?

Here is my 16-17 week belly picture. Nothing exciting. LOL. The little munchkin is where my hand is. The girls on my BBC board (who are 85% all mommies and most seem to have forgotten what it feels like to be a freaked out pregnant girl) say my uterus goes up to my belly button, no matter where the baby is. I beg to differ, because I've had an upset stomach for a week, 2 weeks now and that is definitely all bowel and it's moving a LOT. I've always had a bit of a pooch, and I look skinnier than ever!


The only thing I can guess is that God is going to give me one of those little little bellies so that people don't say "Are you SURE you're not having twins?!" Cause I will beat someone if they ask me that. "Yes I'm sure! Well there ARE two in there, but one's DEAD and has been since month 2! Anymore questions asshole?!" I don't think God wants that to happen, so may be I'll just be a tiny cute girl. I'm totally fine with that I suppose!

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UPDATE!!
My Doctor's office called and said that my 2 part bloodwork (is that the triple screen? I so wasn't paying attention...) is back and normal! Baby is good! YAAAY! There is something to be NOT blue about. I really had no doubt that he was, but I wanted to partake in the testing because it included the US ;) It also showed that I'm anemic. I've always been borderline, but now I guess little butt is sucking away what I have left! As long as he has what he needs, that's just fine!

I also received my GIVEAWAY that I won from The Southern Belle Baby. I'm soooooooooo excited about the wheel because it tells me when I'll be certain weeks and when certain tests are and my due date and how preggo I'll be on my birthday (38 weeks, 5 days...) and Christopher and I can't stop playing with them at the Dr's office. Now we have our own! I felt kinda bad for getting the fertility yoga DVD, but I may need it again soon, or I may give it to a friend. I'm not sure yet ;) Thanks so much Jessica!!!! (and her handwriting is as cute as her wittle baby belly! SUPER)

My Little Boy and some FUN

So let's check out the ol' wive's tales. See what, according to them, is in store for us...

It's a boy if:
· You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy
· Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute
· You are carrying the extra weight out front
· Your belly looks like a basketball
· Your areolas have darkened considerably
· You are carrying low
· You are craving salty or sour foods
· You are craving protein -- meats and cheese
· Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy
· The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy
· Your hands are very dry
· Your pillow faces north when you sleep
· Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you
· Pregnancy has you looking better than ever
· Your urine is bright yellow in color
· Your nose is spreading
· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves in circles
· You are having headaches
· You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an even number

It's a girl if:
· You had morning sickness early in pregnancy
· Your baby's heart rate is at least 140 beats per minute
· You are carrying the weight in your hips and rear
· Your left breast is larger than your right breast
· Your hair develops red highlights
· You are carrying high
· Your belly looks like a watermelon
· You are craving sweets
· You are craving fruit
· You crave orange juice
· You don't look quite as good as normal during pregnancy
· You are moodier than usual during pregnancy
· Your face breaks out more than usual
· You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread
· Your breasts have really blossomed!
· Your pillow faces south when you sleep
· Your urine is a dull yellow color
· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves from side to side
- You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an odd number

Boy wives tales: 5
Girl wives tales: 8
(BTW if you're preggo, I tag you to do this craziness)

Okay... I had a friend do an US for me last week. She said "It's either a boy or a girl with a penis. Which one do you REALLY want Katie?!" I picked boy of course :)

Here's his little wang-doodle!


Here are his arms! (to which my dad said "no, this is his penis. He takes after me." OMG! THANKS DAD!!!!!!!!!!)


His wittle foot!


His alien face


His face and his hand on his face! (is he sucking on his fingers like his mommy still does at age 24?!)



I asked her about Baby A. She's still completely there. Bumble B here is just lounging on top of her sac like it's a dang mattress or something! Glad to know he's comfy. I told my mom that he's already practicing camping, sleepin on his air mattress. We got the giggles and our friend, the tech, called us crazy and sick.
She said for now my placenta is to the side, but once everything kinda spills out of my pelvis, it'll probably be anterior. Dang AP :( I won't be able to feel him for awhile...
She also said my cervix was nice and long! And she showed it to me. Def not what I pictured it looking like...

Today I had a Dr. appointment. Sunday I moved a patient and since then I have felt period-like cramps, soreness, my vagina and uterus felt like they were going to fall out, and I just wanted to hold my crotch. Last night I had this really bad cramp come and go. I thought about it and it sounded like a Braxton Hicks, but I'm way too early for that right? I mentioned this all to my Dr and she did a pelvic to check my cervix. Said all was shut, Yaay!

This Week!

I am so excited about this week. Once this work day ends (3:30... 4 and a half more hours...) I will be off with my husband for a whole week! His job is having a 2 week mandatory shut down before their next big project. Thankfully his job is still going, and he just has to take a week off. And somehow I got all week off! So we are going to beach it up and spend lots of fun time together!

My NT scan is Tuesday morning at 8am. I can't wait to see that little baby! I'm having a hard time bonding with this baby. When I got pregnant the first time I instantly was just absolutely infatuated with it. When I found out I was having twins this time I was just so joyful. Then after I lost one of them, I've just had a hard time getting excited! Of course I love the baby, but when people say "Are you so excited?" I really just want to say "No it's effing scary." I want this US, not to check for Downs or other things, just so I can see my baby wiggling around and hopefully start to get over my hurt and start to get happy about being pregnant.

I love my doppler. I don't use it every day, but the baby is starting to move, so I'll find her, and then she disappears! LOL. It's great to know she's wiggling around, but it's hard to get a reading on her heartbeat. It's been in the 180s, but that day I couldn't get it for longer than 5 seconds and as high as my doppler would get was 120-130. So I was freaking a little. Christopher called me in the middle of it and I was like "I HAVE TO GO! YOUR CHILD IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!" Finally I got her to about 160bmps and gave up.

Not only am I spending quality time with hubster and Bumble B this week, our 5 year wedding anniversary is on Saturday, July 4th! I think we're going to make a beach day of it, go to dinner, and back to the beach for fireworks. I am really excited! I am praying it doesn't rain and it's a beautiful day!

Thanks for all the advice on my friend! I am going to send her some books that I LOVE to keep her occupied! She is taking pictures of everything with her phone and posting them on Facebook in her "Views From Bedrest" hehe. She's in great spirits and is officially in viable stage and getting steroid shots for her little man, Eli.

Just An Update

Nothing new has really been going on. I've been MIA, I know. I've been working A LOT, so I don't have much computer time, and when I do, I'm probably more likely to be hovering over the toilet than hanging out online. Here are a few things going on in my life!

-I had an OB appointment Tuesday last week. She didn't really do anything... I don't know what I was expecting...? We talked about the NT scan and I went ahead and scheduled it.
-I've had lots of fights with "friends" who have turned on me and been absolute middle school bitches to me. I'm so frustrated and really tired of being attacked and treated like a child. I know I shouldn't care what people think about me, but I can't help it.
-Work has been busy and just as bad of a rollercoaster.
-I got a new blackberry and opened a blackberry blog, SoBerryCute. It's a work in progress and is being neglected the last few days.
-I can now find the baby whenever I use my doppler! Her heartrate is always between 170 and 180!
-I woke up with a baby belly.
-I hit 11 weeks, and 12 weeks is creeping closer. I can't wait to have that giant sigh of relief.
-I avoid all blogs of people that lose babies after the 1st trimester. I don't even want to think about it.
-I'm trying really hard to bond with this baby. It's been hard since I lost the twin, but slowly it's coming back. hopefully my US next week will kick me in butt when I see that little cutie waving at me!
-Current Pregnancy symptoms- so tired, so hot, so cranky, so sick. I can't wait for the 2nd trimester!!!!! I can't wait to be so cute, so horny ;)

10 Weeks Tomorrow!

I can't believe I'm hitting the double digits with my pregnancy! I am one fourth DONE!

These past 10 weeks have brought me absolute joy, nervousness, frustration, absolute heartbreak, worry, throwing up, heartburn, hope, and absolute trust in the Lord.

Yesterday I had a minor freak out and made a nurses appointment to get a doppler. We were THIS CLOSE to getting an US, but the nurse FOUND IT! Thumping away :) What a great sound! I am very very proud of myself. That was honestly my first absolute freak out. Yes, I did have some break downs a couple weeks ago, but HELLO! One of my twins was DEAD and I was awaiting the news on how the other was doing. Having a miscarriage is awful. Having a miscarriage and awaiting the news on the other baby you're carrying is weird and scary. I did AWESOME that week compared to how I could have freaked.

Christopher and my mother gave me a hard time about yesterday, but I don't care. They didn't go through what I did and they do't know how I feel. Well, honestly Christopher did, but he sure doesn't act like it. Men and their penises. I wish they could borrow a uterus once in a while!

No Hope

I just feel like I have no hope. I'm not really sad or mad or happy or anything really. But I just don't feel like I will see a heartbeat on B on Tuesday at all, and it's annoying when my husband gets mad at me for saying it. I can't help it. It's not like I WANT my babies to all die and be a owner of a crappy uterus, but that's just the way I feel. I can't change it no matter how hard I try. My mom says to ask God to bless me. I did. I did the first time, and I did this time. 2 dead babies have resulted. Not saying He did it on purpose, but what's the point? He knows what I want and He'll do what He wants no matter what I say.

The Next Day

Thanks to EVERYONE for your support and prayers. I'm feeling a little better today. I can't explain one single bit how I feel because I don't think I know how I feel. I've never had this feeling before, that's for sure. I was so excited about two, but I was also very very nervous. In the end it will of course be easier. I don't have to worry about child care or car seats in my VW Beetle anymore. But I love both of them so much, and I miss A already and I would rather have her than anything else in the world. I would quit buying food and driving ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING to have them both...

I'll always miss A, but I'm really glad B is doing so well. I'm so scared though that on my next US at the doctor's office he won't be alive either. It's very hard to have ZERO say in any of this. It's hard enough giving up control, but having NO SAY at ALL?! That's rough. Especially when it has to do with my baby's life. Can't I just have my baby please? Can't I just have a happy and healthy pregnancy and have a happy bundle of baby at the end of 9 months?

I don't think I'll feel any better about this until I have my baby. I felt really at peace before this past US. I really believed this was it and I wouldn't miscarry again. Now I don't know anything at all. Anything can happen at any time. It may not be Tuesday and it may not be in 2 months. It could be at 20 weeks or 41.

I'm so so so thankful to my friend Kristin. She did this US for me. I've always asked her if she's ever scanned a friend and saw that there was no heartbeat and she said no. I was her first I guess. She was crying with me and spent a lot of extra time on Baby B showing me every single thing, even though I kinda don't remember half of it. She asked me if I wanted a picture of Baby A to have and I am so so glad she did. I have this picture forever now, and I will never forget her. You have no idea how it feels to have zero hard evidence of a passed baby and then have some for another. Just looking at her picture makes me smile because she is so little and cute. I will frame this and keep it forever. I am so glad my friend did this for me and I didn't learn from some mean B at an office. I feel bad that she had to be a part of this, but I'm so thankful that she was.

Baby B, Squishy, right one schedule, growing his little brain, yolk sac dwindling away, and heart beating strongly at 154.


Baby A, Babycakes, measuring at 6w3d, no heartbeat, still "living" on her yolk sac, not growing at all, a major measurable difference between herself and Squishy. SOOOO thankful to have this picture. I owe my friend a million hugs for giving me this gift.