It's Me!!

Hola! I am here! Thanks to my FBBFE (Favorite Best Blog Friends Ever- Yup I made that up! Don't steal it like Ashliehg stole SSSS, Someone Secret So Shhh, as in I Heart SSSS, in 5th grade. Thanks. hehe) Monica and Shannon. I am here. Here I am! My computer is broken, so I am pretty much and outsider to the internet world. I so sad.

In these past few months that you have missed me (ha.) I have... Gone to Missouri to see my nieces again (drove. 20 hours. Each way. With the inlaws. A whole other story.), read ALL 4 Twilight books (love, love, love them), taken up reading like I used to (a book every couple days... No internet has done this to me!), not gotten pregnant again, had 2 or 3 miscarriage meltdowns (current one being my due date is coming up and 2 of the 3 friends that got pregnant with me had their babies. the 3rd is being induced this week), got my oil changed (it's been over a year!), got an iPod Nano (my new BFF thanks to the new Taylor Swift cd!), got drunk a lot, dressed up as Rainbow Brite for Halloween, drank tons and tons of formaldehyde (diet pepsi/coke for the newbies stumbling over), and worked a lot.

So all in all, same ol same ol ;)

I miss my blog family so so much!!! Occasionally I get on and try to catch up on everyone, but usually I'm at work, and it doesn't work out so well!!! But you are all in my thoughts xoxox

TTC Aura

Okay so here I am, TTC again....

I am currently reading Waiting For Daisy. Its about a women who is TTC in her 30s through cancer, infertility, miscarriages, and more. She talked about a friend who got whatever she wanted just by placing things on her bedside table. She explained that if you see it at night before you go to bed and in the morning when you wake up it like embeds in your brain or something like that :) so I took the liberty in rearranging my bed room and cleaning up my bedside table. Now at the moment I have my piggy bank that says Dreams Come True, my fertility saint medal, and my prenatal vitamins. I'm thinking about putting the adopt a doll on it that my mom have me that got her pregnant with me! Did I tell that story? My parents were infertile and then BAM! My mom got pregnant in March, 3 months after my dad gave her an adopt-a-doll for Christmas since they couldn't have a real baby. May be I should plant her right in the bed with me. She looks kinda creepy though...

BTW, I have 4 different pregnancy books, maternity pants and maternity shorts on s shelf in my closet. Should I 'come out of the closet'?
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Halloween!

I don't know if this will work, but this is my attempt at sending a picture with a blog....

Cinderella as Ariel for Halloween :D

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Mobile blog ;)

So since my computer is broken and I have the urge to blog, it's off to try the world of blackberry blogging! So, for warning, beware and apologies for typos and wrong words. If you have a blackberry you'll understand the world of SureType!

So I am currently at this moment watching Sex And The City. I love it... I absolutely love Charlotte. She is so cute, not wanting to run because she is so afraid to miscarry again. Gosh I know that feeling! I quit the gym because I was afraid that if I worked out during my 2ww I would lose my baby again. Silly I know...

I hope this works!!!
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Hello My Highly Missed Friends!

Yes, I have been MIA, but I miss you ;) Yes, you!

My laptop is broken. :( I so so sad. Tomorrow we are leaving for Missouri to see my nieces though! I am so so so happy and so excited!

AF started today, so my break is OVER. I didn't do half the crap on my list, but whatever. TTC will begin again!

I am doing much much better. I had one drunk mc meltdown, but it was short and the first one since July. And it was after hanging out with a pregnant friend. I even looked a friend's baby shower pics. I am totally good right now.

My bday is December 29th and for my whole life every 29th of every month I would announce how many months till my birthday. Well my m/c was on March 29th, and since then all I have thought was how many months it had been since my baby died... I figured my fun countdown had come to a stop. WELP! Not on Septmber 29th! I told someone the date and said "Oh! 3 months til my birthday!" and THEN remembered 6 months since the m/c. Yaaay I'm going to eventually heal one day after all, right??? :)

BTW, currently reading book 3 of the Twilight series... OMG who is in LOVE with Edward as much as I?!?!?!?!?!?!

OMG

I wrote a really good entry the other day.

then I guess it was lost in cyberspace.

GRRRR

Ooooh that feeling....

I was just telling my husband today how great I have been feeling about everything. How I thought that prayer request really helped.

Then UGH. I had that moment. Looking at a friend of mine's 17 week belly pics.

You know that feeling in your heart? Like that squeezing anxious sick feeling?? Yeah I got that. Still have it. And tears feel like they are coming... And the one sentence I have never said in my life more than I have these last (OMG) almost 6 months... IT'S NOT FAIR.

On another note, I have totally sucked monkey butt on ICLW this month. Tomorrow I am baby sitting, so I am going to do all my one bajillion that I "owe". I've also been playing Pet Society on Facebook. It's pretty awesome, as is Mobsters on Myspace. LOL. I'm excited about playing with the baby tomorrow. :) I talked to my nieces today on the phone. Regan said she can't wait to see me next month and Jordan sang me the Doodle Bops. I can't wait to see them. I need to sell my soul (JK!) to get gas money to get up there next month!

Good Mom

It's been a while since I have posted! I have been really busy with work, and just haven't had much to write about!!!

I've been doing a lot better. I don't have that urgency to be pregnant anymore. I really think that prayer request helped A LOT! Or either the psychological thought of it helped anyway! I went and saw my friend's baby Thursday and she is so so little little! And so pretty! You may have remembered me bloggin about her in the past, she was in the NICU, but she is home and healthy now :) She is on a monitor because she is still having apnea episodes, but hopefully she will grow out of it soon. She was a month early, and her due date was last weekend. I also am going to be watching a friend's baby starting Wednesday! I am really excited about that! He is ADORABLE!!! He has this blonde blonde hair... Too cute! I love babies SOOO much!

Something I absolutely LOVE to hear is how good of a mom I will be. I think that is the best compliment anyone has ever given me in my entire life. I love babies and kids so much, and I have since before I can remember. Yesterday for example, there was a 2 year old who I had to xray that they thought had glass in his foot (didn't) and he was MAD! But I did it, and it was hard, but he was so incredibly cute and sweet. Someone afterwards said they wouldn't have done it the way I did, and I'll be great with my kids. I probably fried the only eggs I have left doing it, but sometimes it feels worth it... It is hard to explain. I guess you have to be in my position to understand. I get so many scared kids in there, and I just love holding them and making them feel better. I had one girl one day who got in a car accident. She was 4 and the most precious gorgeous sweetest little girl in the world and she was so scared and her mom was CRAZY, so I just sent her mom back to their room and I held her and talked to her. A few people have told me how great of a mom I will be because I love playing with kids so much and I am so good with them when they are my patients. I love to hear that. Honestly, I can't think of a better compliment!

Obviously I know there is more to Mommy-ing than playing with babies, but I think they are right. One day I'll be a good mom! I think I am a fabulous mom now for missing my baby so much! That is one loved little baby, thats for sure!

Show And Tell

I am working 3rd shift tonight, so in honor of crazy drunk people in the ER, I will showing and telling about crazy drunk stupid people that come in for xrays!

I am an xray tech and I love it. It is ALWAYS interesting....


This guy got shot in the leg and the bullet traveled into his SCROTUM! Crazy huh????


This is a 7 year old girl that broke her arm going down a slide. She probably wasn't drunk...

This dummy tried to kill himself with a nail gun. He definitely didn't die but got himself a few days in the hospital with a bleed on his brain and the entire staff taking care of him thinking he was stupid. I really feel bad for people that are suicidal. I'm sure it's a lonely scary feeling, but a NAIL GUN????

Feeling Okay!

I have been feeling a lot better the last few days. It comes in waves I guess. I went to a movie yesterday with my BFF and 2 other really great friend, the pregnant one included, and I loved on her cutie little baby belly. I was pretty proud of myself. I said SOMETHING silly teasing around and she started to say "Hey, if you want it you can.... (or something to that effect...)" pointing to her belly, and then I think she realized what she was saying and I just laughed and someone said something else. If I was in a "bad place" last night I would have said "SURE I'LL TAKE IT" but it didn't really bother me. IDK. It was weird!

But on my list of ways to better myself I put join a small group, and we did, and at the prayer request time I asked for people to pray for me because I have been having such a hard time with the miscarriage (and I CRIED! I haven't cried about it in forever...) and I think it really has been helping! The power of prayer is AMAZING! Now I just have to get them to pray for me to get preggers hehehe

In TMI news, I started AF this morning, and I went to my old Babycenter board to see when I started last month, and my cycle was only 27 days!!! OMG! I've been having 35+ day cycles, and that was close to 28! I'm ecstatic. Hopefully that means my body is getting back to normal. I've read that after a miscarriage your body can take up to 6 months to get back to normal. It's been almost 6 months, so I guess it is true! Only one more month till we "try" again, although we haven't done anything differently, but whatever ;)

I'm going to start watching my friend's baby at the end of the month. I went by there yesterday, and that baby is the cutiest little baby in the WORLD!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks!!! He's adorable!!!

27 days until I get to see my nieces!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

BTW

I am thinking of all that lost their lives, loved ones, and heroes 7 years ago today!

Happier than I have been in a while!!!

Today I am SOO SOO happy!

Yesterday Christopher's parents asked us to ride with them to Missouri to visit Christopher's brother, his wife, and our 2 nieces! I am so so so so ecstatic. Let me build this feeling up for you a little, mostly because I want you to understand how happy I am, and because I am in a happy writing mood.

My husband and I started dating on July 4th, 2003. We had our first kiss! That was the day that I met his brother Matt and his brother's girlfriend, Cassie. It was at Matt and Christopher's July 4th cookout! That's when I kissed Christopher on the roof under the fireworks! And we have been inseparable since then! My first official date with Chris was watching Finding Nemo with Matt and Cassie.

That November 1st, Christopher proposed to me, and then Matt and Cassie got a townhouse and asked us if we wanted to move in! We did!! December 25th, Matt proposed to Cassie! We were 2 happy couples! I am an only child and was only 18, and wasn't a very good roommate. I really wish I could have enjoyed the time a little more too, but it's okay...

That March 2004 Matt got sent overseas in Iraq. That July 4th, Christopher and I got married! Matt came home in October for Cassie's birthday and OOPS got her pregnant! I was so so so so happy. Cassie is my first and only sister. And all those years growing up I thought I would never never had nieces and nephews and my mom told me to marry someone with lots of brothers and sisters so that I would! So you can only imagine how incredibly excited I was. November the lease ended at the townhouse and Christopher and I moved into an apartment and Matt and Cassie rented a duplex. Matt came home May 2006, they were married May 29th, and June 21st Regan Brooke came into this world!

I have always loved babies, but this little girl absolutely stole my heart. I loved that girl more than anything in the world! Christopher and I babysat her when she was a couple days old so Cassie and Matt could see a movie and it was so so so fun! OMG Regan had this crazy personality the DAY she came into the world (now that I think about it, she had it long before she came OUT of the womb!!!) and still to this day she is such an amazingly smart, energetic, and hilarious little girl!

Before Regan turned 1, Matt and Cassie realized they were pregnant again!! I remember Cassie telling me she knew she was pregnant and I thought she was CRAZY because she wouldn't even be physically pregnant YET! But now I know how she felt. On December 21st 2006, she gave birth to Jordan Mikayla!!! 18 months EXACTLY after Regan was born. They are 1 and a half years apart to the day! The first day of Summer and the first day of Winter :)

These 2 little girls lived near me most of their lives (as in near, like next door) and I watched them grow up so so so much. Regan is the crazy little ball of energy and Jordan is the most sweetest prettiest little girl! They are both wild, but so cute you just kinda ignore it.

Through all of these years Cassie and I got closer and closer. We went through a lot together, and I love her so much. She is my one and only sister, and she gave me the most beautiful 2 little girls in the whole world to love.

Around this same time last year Matt resigned active duty Army and was shipped off to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri in December for training. In May he was permately stationed there, took 10 days off, came home, and took Cassie, Regan, and Jordan away from Charleston.

Besides the miscarriage, I have never been so so so sad. I'm living in the house they used to live in now and it is so so weird to see Regan's pink nursery without her in it, not hear them laughing in the TV room, or swinging on the swing set outside my dining room window. I HATE not having Cassie call me everday "Come over, what are you doing, ride with me to blah blah blah." I never had a friend move away in my life, and to have my best friend, sister, and my nieces move was really really hard for me. After my miscarriage, those two girls were the only things that could actually make me smile, and omg I hugged them so hard and thanked God for them.

In July my mother in law and I flew out to Missouri to see them, and next month we will be driving with my father in law and Christopher to see them for a long weekend! I absolutely dread the drive (I hate riding 10 minutes down the road, much less 15 hours...) but I will do ANYTHING to see Regan, Jordan and Cassie!!! Those girls are the LOVES of my life!!

Regan's 3rd birthday Princess Party!

Smile!

Sweet sweet Jordan

Love that baby gap

Our last trip to Missouri, Nana painting Jordan's nails hehehehe

In Missouri making "sad faces", July 4th :) She later set that dress on fire with a sparkler...

What did I EVER do to the universe??

Cause the universe DEFINITELY is against me. Here are the reasons why in pretty little bullets. First time ever using...

• My baby died. Duh.
• One of my friend's that is due when I am sends me pictures and texts on a regular basis talking about how much longer she has left and how cute her belly is. I love her, and I love to hear, but sometimes it's a painful reminder.
• One day I went to the cafeteria at work (I work at a hospital) and the pregnancy tour just ended and there were 10+ pregnant women in there.
• One of my closest friends got pregnant on accident. Lucky.
• Saturday I went to the cafeteria and remembered it was "PREGNANCY CELEBRATION" and there were 100+++ pregnant women celebrating their pregnancies and another 100+ newborns. Wow I really wanted to slit my throat this weekend.
• Yesterday my CPR class teacher was pregnant and "due around Thanksgiving". Oh yeah, me too. But wait, my baby is dead. I ALMOST forgot.
• Everyone and their mom are pregnant.
  

It's just annoying. EVERY ONE around me is pregnant! Thank GOD the last pregnant girl in our department had her baby. So the 8 pregnant girls are done. Time for a new cycle!!!!

My friend sent me a "medal" of a saint that was blessed by her priest. She said she got pregnant the first month she got hers. Well I put it in my bedside table since I am taking a break right now, and I haven't given it much more thought. The other day I rolled over and OMG THERE IT WAS! IN THE BED! Later I found out my husband grabbed the envelope to write a number really quick, but crap man. I was LAYING on it! Soooooo as pregnant as I want to be, I really didn't want to get pregnant this month. I immediately emailed my friend and blamed her for everything. hahahahahaha. It was really a funny experience, and I'm sure if I get pregnant this month, that'll be why!! I'm not catholic, so I don't really know what to do with it, but I am pretty sure rolling around on it while probably doing the deed will probably result in a baby in 9 months. We will see. Hey, it's not the worst thing that could happen!!!

I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I got a book called The Conception Chronicles. It looks funny. It better be KuKd funny, cause that is what I have in mind. You know, there is a Women's Health section, Pregnancy Section, but no Dead Baby section. It would be really nice if there was with some books, fiction and non fiction, available for me to skim through and buy! I like to realte to my characters, and I just wanted a book that I could cry and laugh through about the current things I am feeling. But I couldn't find any. So hurry up Monica and write your book :):)

Meet The Kids

Not in much of a blogging mood. I have a great new topic coming up about why I don't hate babies, but I'm not really up for writing it yet. Stay tuned (as I told Mon hehehe) ;)

So for today, meet my children. Cinderella Louisa (Cindy), Princetopher Charming (Prince), Molleigh Anna, and Maddox Miller. Cindy is my little girl chihuahua. She loves loves loves clothes and is Mommy's girl. I think I love this dog more than I love my husband... Prince is our other chihuahua. He's a big baby, and definitely a mama AND daddy's boy! Molleigh is my lab mix. She was abandoned and was skin and bones and skiddish and a nervous wreck. Now she's as crazy and happy as the other 3. Maddox is the newer addition. He is a boxer, and Daddy's boy. He's so so lovable. He's a lot bigger now, I need new updated pictures of him. He hasn't lost that sweet puppy face though!!!












Currently we are all just sitting tight and seeing what tropical storm Hanna is up to! Every 5 minutes she changes course and could be upgraded to a Hurricane Category 1 at any moment. She's almost right by us, so I think the worst of it is over!!! Not too bad. I'm really eying Ike. He looks like a mean beast!!

**Edit- Christopher asked "How come I'm in some of the pictures and you're not? Am I one of the children?" Yes dear, more than you'll ever realize.... hehehe

Okay fine... here is one of me and Cindy (when I was brunette. yuck.) I call this...

PUPPY LONGSTOCKINGS

The list progress!

1. Start working out again.I mean, pretty much.
2. Start eating right. Only one helping of french fries since the list began!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT!
4. Become Sleeping Beauty They say your skin gets better before it gets worse, right???
5. Save some money.
6. Get my oil changed.
7. Go away with my husband! We had an AMAZING time camping this weekend, even if it was with other people. We had some extra special wine alone time Saturday night. Yummy.
8. May be look around for another part time job. I'm going to start watching my friend's new baby at the end of this month!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!!Drove over to my BFFs house last week because she was having the wedding blues (bridesmaid dropped out) and we went and took her puppy to the beach! And I didn't turn down a The Hills invitation, even when plans got changed later.
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant.
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. Well, the prozac anyways...
13. Be old Katie again!!

I can remember 1989, but not to do my Wii Fit!

Wow when I started this post I broke the A on my keyboard. I got it under control now. SHEW!!! That was close!!! I started to think about how often I actually use the A, and if it would be a problem. But after lots of bad words and throwing things, I fixed it! Woo hoo!!

Anyways, not much to report today! I am feeling a lot better, and I loved all the comments I got on my last (real) post. It was GREAT to see so many people that have been through what I have and make it on the other side alive and not in the looney bin. It gives me hope that I won't end up in a straight jacket before this is over! (Of course, it goes without saying I wish no one knew that feeling, but you know what I mean!)

Today I kinda just relaxed a reconnected with my young side. A couple weeks ago I purchased the Miley Cyrus cd (totally awesome, BTW) and today I watched High School Musical 1 & 2. They were pretty cute! I have to work for the next 4 days YUCK! I usually only work 2, but I guess I have to make the money to make up for that Wii some how!

Unless Hanna makes her way here on Friday and/or Saturday. She changes in the news every 5 seconds, so I won't know for sure until work tomorrow if I have to work or not. Of course I don't want it to be a bad hurricane, I mean who wants a horrible storm to come? But I would also like to not have to drive an hour to work in a category 1 hurricane. So if I don't have to, that'd be great! We have these little scares all the time, but I don't think I've actually been a real grown up that had a house and stuff to worry about! Our huge hurricane was Hugo in 1989 and I was 4!! All I remember is being at my grandmothers house and coming home to a tree fallen next to our house. It lifted up the fence between our yard and the niehgbor's and their grandson and I crawled in between each other's yards like it was the coolest thing in the world! Oh and my parents took a shower in the rain outside in their bathing suits. I remember that. I remember thinking they were so stupid. I recently told my mom this, and she said she thought I wouldn't do it because I was scared. Nope. Cause you looked like a lunatic mom. I also remember them blowing out a candle at night and I was scared because it was PITCH DARK! And I remember going for a walk and asking the electric guys when they would turn my electricity back on! Wow I have a great memory. :) Couldn't tell you what happened yesterday, but I remember September 1989!!

It's fun sometimes to reflect back on your youth and do youthful things. Keeps us young I guess. Reminds me of a simmpler time. Even though trees down, being scared about if my mom was alright because she had to stay and work in Charleston at the hospital, playing on my swing set and swinging into fallen trees, taking showers in the rain... I was being taken care of in all of those situations and I never really felt totally out of control. It's a peaceful feeling, being taken care of. May be a little Miley Cyrus and HSM does that for me. Reminds me of a simpler time. I do get a young feeling when I'm boppin along with those songs. Reminds me of the days my BFF Emily and I used to play Britney Spears in the car in high school on the way downtown to go shopping. We didn't have to worry about bills, just new sterling silver charms we could add to our charm bracelets at the Market!

ANYWAYS! That was fun ;) You should try it!

I have been slacking on my Wii Fit. And I have to work the next few days so that Wii Fit Board is going to give me a really really really hard time the next time I get on. The other day I had GAINED 3 pounds and he made me pick WHY I thought I had gained weight. What the heck?! Stupid board. and my husband had LOST weight. Isn't that just the icing on the cake? Mmmmm cake.... But seriously! I have been really good lately! I had french fries today just because I have been so good, but that is the only time I have been bad since I started this whole thing! Whatever. My weight changes every day depending on what I have eaten and if I have pooped, which I never do, so I'm not too worried about it I guess... I just need to be CONSISTANT on the things that I do and not slack off!

Hahahaha I can remember intricate details from when I was 4, but not to work out every day. Something is wrong there.... LOL

Post Secret.

Woah. I saw this on postsecret.com today. Sounds familiar? (hint hint, yesterday's post)

Hey! That's where I live!

Failure

It's so funny to me to watch myself go through the stages of grieving. I mean, I'm pretty much at the end, but when the miscarriage first happened, I remember the guilt, anger, and sadness feelings that I learned in school. It was weird to see myself going through all of those things. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get past all of this.

I am still so so so sad about losing my baby, but I don't think that is the big issue right now. I think I figured it out a little yesterday. I am really upset about being such a failure. I feel like a failure.

Let me start from the beginning of my reasonings. I always get what I want. Any guy I ever wanted bad enough, I got. Anything I want bad enough, I get. I'm a go getter. I will go and get whatever I want if my mind is set on it. I had the biggest crush on my husband when I was 17 and I told his mom and my mom that I was in love with him and we would get married one day. I knew the day I met my 10th grade boyfriend that we would go out. We were best friends for like a year, and then one day he came to his senses :) I wanted to get a boxer the day I got Maddox so bad that I drove 100 miles one way and when the guy didn't show up, I drove 100 miles the opposite way to get a different one. When I know I want something I go for it.

When I was growing up all I ever wanted to do was get married and have babies. I see people that I haven't seen in years and they ask how it's going and if I still want 8 kids. Okay, I don't think I want 8 anymore, but I do want to be a mommy! That is all I ever wanted in life was to be married, in love, with kids. I met the man of my dreams, and I love him more than I could ever imagine, so now it's kid time.

So we decided to get pregnant, and I was freaking pregnant when we decided and didn't even know it! I told you! I get what I want!

And then I lost her.

I feel like a complete failure. I have failed my husband, I have failed my parents and his parents, I failed giving my nieces a cousin, I failed my own dreams. I am a complete and utter failure. I mean, geez, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just the dumb dog or 10th grade boyfriend, but my BABY?! It's like an extra slap in the face and punch in the stomach. My biggest fear now is that I will fail again. How in the WORLD could I make it through another loss? I don't think I could! I don't know how I would handle it. And not just in baby-making, everything! I am too afraid to do anything. Hence probably why I haven't taken that dang xray registry. I don't want to fail again. It sucks way too bad.

I sound like a spoiled little brat that gets everything she wants, but I don't mean to. Just being a mom is the one thing in life that I wanted to do more than anything else in the world and I failed at it. That is a major blow to the ego. it's like I suck at being a woman. Isn't that what women are supposed to do ultimately?! Women activists aside, a woman makes the babies. Okay, to be fair, I did make one... But I sure as heck couldn't seem to provide for it.

Not only did I fail myself and every one else, I failed my baby.

I'm getting FIT!!

How you may ask?!

I got Wii Fit!!

OMG My fitness age was 41!!! I'm 23!!! LOL. Says my BMI and weight is average, but I still want to lose 9ish pounds. SO here's to staying on tract with my new fun video game that I called all over Charleston to find!

We're going camping this weekend, so you probably won't hear from me! Have a fun and safe labor day weekend!!

Blog Challenged

Okay... So...

How do I get a 3-column template?

OMG I got tagged!!!

SO I saw this girl got tagged.... followed the link... was reading her survey, saw my name as someone who was tagged, but figured it was another Katie I have read out there, but clicked the link because I was looking for that Katie's blog, and then BAM! There I was! In all my pink bloginess!! I got tagged by someone! WOO HOO I'm in with the popular crowd. First KuKd is writing me then I get tagged. I feel so loved. I've graduated to the table next to the cool table in the lunch room!!

A. Attached or single? Married!
B. Best friend? Christopher and Emily and my mommy
C. Cake or pie? My wedding cake. It was DELISH
D. Day of choice? A day that I don't have to work!
E. Essential item? My blackberry and laptop, with internet ;) and Formaldehyde disguised as diet pepsi/coke.
F. Favorite color? Pink
G. Gummy bears or worms? whatever I can steal from my 3 year old niece without her noticing
H. Hometown? Charleston, SC!
I. Indulgence? Target and Formaldehyde
J. January or July? July! I love the summer, and my anniversary is in July!
K. Kids? Angel. Trying. Duh.
L. Life isn’t complete without? My wittle puppy dogs
M. Marriage date? July 4th, 2004
N. Number of brothers & sisters? 1 BIL and his wife, my SIL
O. Oranges or apples? I like them both, but I LOVE Oranges!
P. Phobias? Alligators! OMG I don't even want to think about it!
Q. Quotes? "Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." -Rose Franken

R. Reasons to smile? Blog comments ;)
S. Season of choice? Summer!!!
T. Tag seven peeps! Ellen, Alicia, Amanda, Monica, Loren, Sharon, and Just a SAHW

U. Unknown fact about me? I can't decide if I like the dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds....
V. Vegetable? I LOVE raw veggies. I hate cooked ones. Bring on the broccoli!!! I eat the stalk too ;)
W. Worst habits? biting my nails, getting obsessive
X. X-ray or ultrasound? Umm well I take xrays for a living, so I guess I will have to pick that ;)
Y. Your favorite food? Mexican, pickles, pretzels, and peaches
Z. Zodiac sign? Capricorn

Yaaay that was fun ;) Had so much fun this ICLW week!!!!!

Yummy, Formaldehyde!!!

Well my first day on my list wasn't too bad! A friend of mine had her baby a few months ago and was wondering if I could keep him 2-3 days a week. Hey, I never work during the week, and I just put that on my list to look for a part time job! Woo hoo! I'm definitely considering it!

For lunch I got a Chic Fil A Caesar wrap and a fruit cup instead of french fries (I love french fries more than anything...) and a bottle of water instead of Diet Coke.

I quit Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi for a while right before I got pregnant too. That aspartame turns into formaldehyde in your body and that makes all those stupid little dimples in my butt. Learned that in Skinny Bitch! They didn't put it so lightly though... I think their exact words were (sorry for the language) "Scientists use it for disinfecting and preserving. They don't f*cking drink it! May be that's why you're *ss is so big is because you're preserving your fat cells!" Quitting formaldehyde combined with working out made me look HOT!!! earlier this year.

Yeah, but... Since I am mentally unstable right now, I think cutting out my aspartame caffeine addiction would just put it over the top. May be later. I mean, it's only like 1 or 2 a day. I WAS drinking like 5! In the Behavioral Health wing of the hospital I work in there is a smoking room for the patients. I went in there once to xray a woman who had swallowed 2 safety pins at her mental institution (is that the politically correct word??) and saw it. What HOSPITAL has a smoking area for its patients?! Exactly. If you can't take tobacco away from suicidal metal eaters in fear of... whatever, you can't take away my formaldehyde. I just love it tooooo much! Store all my fat cells if you want! That zingy feeling on my tongue is just too good!

Taking A Break

Sooo if you saw the last post, I had a busy busy weekend, so I have 18 ICLW comments to do today! I have done.... 1. Hahaha! If you don't know what ICLW is, check out the yellow rectangle on my sidebar. It's fun ;)

So this month and next month I WILL NOT be TTC. Not like I would get pregnant anyways (Sorry sarcasm Katie came out...). "WHY?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" You may say... WELL my BFF forever is getting married on June 6th, 2009. If I get preggers this month (hahahaha! Sorry, expect sarcasm a lot this post), my EDD would be THE WEEK of her wedding. NO WAY am I missing her wedding or am I going to be 9 months pregnant and absolutely miserable in a Charleston outside summer wedding in a tight little (beautiful!!) bridesmaids dress that she has chosen. So this month and probably next I'm not TTC.

Wow. That is weird... You know, this journey has only been 6 months long... It feels like forever. I am so so lucky to have been pregnant at least once. I wish it had a better outcome, but I loved that little baby more than anything in the world. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Right? I believe so. I was happier that week than I have been in my entire life and I wouldn't take that joy away for anything.

I hope that I can have as much excitement and joy the next time I get pregnant and not be a nervous wreck the whole time. I want to be naive and happy again!!

So I need some plans for the next two months. Something to take my mind OFF of TTC and make my life better for a future TTC and baby!

1. Start working out again. When I got PG I was so fit and happy about it!
2. Start eating right. I eat like crap. I might make today my last day to go to McDonald's and enjoy a unhealthy rat-mcnugget!
3. Start studying for my registry and TAKE IT! I have been to scared and nervous about it, and I really need to have it done before I bring a baby in this world. So here we go! After my trip to McD's, I will crack a book... Or not. Tomorrow I will ;)
4. Become Sleeping Beauty. Brush my teeth and wash my face every night before bed.
5. Save some money. Hmm 10% of each paycheck?
6. Get my oil changed. It's been over a year.... oops
7. Go away with my husband! I won't be able to for a while after a baby!
8. May be look around for another part time job. I don't get enough hours at the hospital. This one may be a far stretch. That's what the "May be look" is for!
9. Spend more time with my girlfriends!! I think that is pretty self explanatory! Pregnant ones included!
10. Be less selfish and get over all my friends being pregnant. That might take a little more effort than the rest, but I want to do it!
11. Join a small group at church.
12. Keep taking my medicine and vitamins. I would have super uterus by now if I had taken my prenatals every day for the past 5 months! And I have to stop forgetting the prozac. Not having it makes me non-functional.
13. Be old Katie again!!

Yaay I am SO excited!!!!! (OMGosh I just realized! 13 is my lucky number! This will be GREAT!)

Boys...

I worked 16 hours yesterday and just got to get on today (12:21am) and started to leave my ICLW comments and my husband is tossing and turning and complaining about the keys' noises, so I guess it's 18 comments tomorrow!!!!! :)

KuKd

Monica from Knocked Up Knocked Down kills me. She's so freaking hilarious. She's the kinda blog writer I like to read :)

She made a little pictorial of her KuKd journey, so I thought I would too!!! (Definitely read her blog for her definition of Knock Up, Knocked Down.)

awww fun Katie and her sister in law! February! No more BCPs, but not really thinking much about baby yet..... Just seeing what happens!! She's so happy and so carefree... I miss her... Fun Katie and SIL...

In Atlanta for a Rad Tech conference sending kisses home to my husband!!! March 2nd, month of KuKd. Totally oblivious to the HELL that will soon be falling into my lap (or toilet...) in less than a week. Aahhhh so naive... (Phone pic, sorry for quality!)

Almost Easter! At CVS getting our passport pictures done for our Rad Tech Registry applications. We were both pregnant here and didn't even know it yet!!!! (another phone pic!)

Awww pregnant me. All tired and knocked up... That is my niece Regan. Her mommy was buying a new car and I was trying to keep this hell-fire child sane and under control. I remember being so so so scared of picking her and her little sister up.... (once again, phone pic...)

One week after miscarriage. Ignore the date. It's wrong. Oh and look! It's Kelly! Still pregnant! Her baby shower is next weekend. She's having a boy. His name is Jarrett. Hmm. Wonder when my baby shower would be. What I would be having. What it's name would be?!

April 29th. One month after miscarriage. First totally drunken night after miscarriage. Huge giant miscarriage drunk meltdown alllllll the way home from Wild Wings! Isn't my husband hot?!

Maddox, possible whole-in-heart-filler-upper? Probably. If he didn't eat poop.


Sometime this summer. Just found out that another friend of mine is pregnant. On accident. Not planned. Has 2 kids already (one just turned 1). Totally happy for her, but now I'm pretty sure God is making me wait my turn through this long long line of people I know who have JUST had babies getting pregnant again before I'm up again. BTW that is a fake smile.

Few days ago trying on bridesmaids dresses with my BFF, bride-to-be, Emily. Looking like my normal Katie there. Very refreshing picture.... Real smile.

The Sun Will Come Out..... Tomorrow?

I'm feeling a little bit better than the last post. If I don't think about it, then I'm fine!

I really think that my husband thinks I am crazy. I never want to tell him how I feel about it anymore because I know what he will say. "There's a reason for this. God will give us a baby when He wants to. It's just not the right time." Blah blah blah.

I don't think people realize why I get upset. I think it is pretty cut and dry. Yes, TTC SUCKS and it's frustrating, but I get sooo soo mad and upset because I SHOULDN'T BE TTC! I SHOULD ALMOST BE IN MY 3RD TRIMESTER! How hard is that to understand? So when I get sad when I see pregnant ladies or little newborns or get invited to a baby shower, it's not because I want to be pregnant. It's because I WAS AND NOW I'M NOT.

It's pretty annoying :)

Thankfully I have my babycenter and blogsphere people. Y'all know ;)

As for the title.... It's raining icky outside. No sun. But it will come out sometime soon, right? And hopefully the old happy Katie will too. I was just thinking the other day how I don't think I have been truly happy since I lost my baby. Though, I don't know if I was ever as happy as I was when I was pregnant before I got pregnant (if that makes sense...). It's so so weird because I don't remember life before I got pregnant. It seems like a totally different person. I don't know if that is bad or good, but I was just a different person. I know when people fall in love they say "I don't know how I lived without you". It's kinda like that. Except now, I don't know how to function really.

I think I am taking this miscarriage A LOT A LOT A LOT harder than I should be. I feel like I am one of those woman who lost their babies at 40+ weeks in utero or in labor or 2 hours later. I shouldn't feel this absolutely beat to the core, should I? I started my Prozac again last night so may be that will help. It might just be my own chemical imbalance haha

Ugh I hate sounding so depressed!!!! Ummm something happy something happy..........

Me and Regan almost 2 whole years ago!!! Jordan was only a few days old!! (Regan and Jordan are my nieces, the absolute LOVES of my life! Taken away by their stupid Army daddy to Missouri in May!)

What about me?!?!

I had an okay weekend! Saturday I worked 16 hours. That was okay. Not too busy, but lots of crazy people!!!! Yesterday Christopher and I went to church and his cousin and his little girl came. Then we went to the water park.

Then we came home and I started doing snooping which I should never do. I learned that the girls that have the same due dates that I did are now planning their baby showers. So I missed feeling the baby moving the first time, finding out what the sexes were, and now baby showers. Fantastic. No other way to smear my dead baby in my face than parties!!

I mean, I know DUH they aren't doing this to hurt me, but it just is a huge kick right in the stomach.

Oh and I almost forgot. Seeing pregnant woman doesn't make me too sad much anymore. But Saturday I went to the hospital cafeteria to get lunch and the hospital must have done their Labor and Delivery tour, cause there they are were. 10+ pregnant woman all walking around me with their cute little bellies and happy little husbands. Seriously?!?!?!?! Sometimes I wonder just WHY that kind of crap happens to me. SERIOUSLY?! God couldn't have waited 10 minutes to send one or the other down there?!?! What's the deal? I'm having a hard enough time coping with this as it is I don't need bellies in my face. I've never actually been MAD at pregnant people as I was Saturday. I just wanted to yell at them and tell them to all go away.

Prayers Please!!!

A friend of mine had a baby Thursday! She was a month early, but already 6 pounds and perfectly healthy. She got stuck in the birth canal however and they had to use a vacuum to get her out and it caused a hematoma on her head and she had to be taken to our NICU here in Charleston at the Children's Hospital. There they realized it wasn't as bad as first suspected, but then today she stopped breathing 3 times. Her name is Kenzie. If you could please pray for Kenzie's speedy recovery and strength for my friend and her husband. I can't even imagine how worried and helpless they are feeling right now!

Heart Broken

All of a sudden I wanted to look at my belly pics from my first week of pregnancy. I can't find them anywhere on my computer and they aren't on my camera anymore.

I am so sad.

Those are the only pictures I have of my baby! It's not fair! I would trade all my pictures on my computer for those two...

Rainy Days

It's all rainy and drab outside. Perfect weather to just be laying here and doing nothing!!!

Thanks for all the comments!! I love them! They make me feel a lot better!!!

So on my Babycenter board, one of the girls is an US tech, and she said that the cyst on my ovary means I haven't ovulated yet. When the cyst bursts is when you ovulate. SOOO I am less than 8 DPO. I am having all these symptoms though (sick to my stomach like I was when I was pg, tired, moody, HUNGRY, weird cravings) but if it is too early to see a BFP then wouldn't it be way to early to get symptoms??

I have worked almost 50 hours in the last 4 days. I'm so sleepy! I am so happy to have slept in this morning. Now I am starving to death and ready for some lunch! Yesterday I had a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes. YUM!

Dreams, Shopping, Vacation, & Faith, OH MY!

I had even more dreams last night! SO VIVID! Not pregnancy related though, but oh well. Vivid dreams were a PG symptom for me, so hopefully that is a good sign!! I am really getting my hopes up this month, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think if AF comes I will just have to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Won't be the first time.

I went shopping today. SHHH. I really don't have the money to do that, but whatever. I got another Emily Giffin book, Baby Proof, and a Jane Green book, Second Chance. I am excited about reading The Jane Green one. IDK how I feel about the baby one yet... Sometimes reading about stuff like that makes me sad, sick, and blue. I might read the Jane Green one first....

When thinking about reading this baby book, I started thinking about my EDD. It is November 30th. If I'm not pg again by then, I think I will just be sitting in a deep whole of despair. SOO I decided that Christopher and I should go on a trip. I won't feel up to working, going out with friends, and if I go out I will just drink myself in to the hospital, so I think a relaxing couple of days with my husband somewhere other than here would be the best.

QUESTION: For women that got pregnant again after their loss, was the loss "easier"? I hope that it will at least take my mind off of it... I don't know though! Some opinions would be great :) Thanks!

BTW A friend of mine (Ellen who writes My So Called Life, link on the right) works in the NICU and said a woman just had a healthy baby girl after 10 miscarriages, 2 stillbirths, a baby born at 23weeks that lived 3 days and a baby born at 24 weeks that lived one month. Could you imagine? I don't think I would have been able to get past a couple of miscarriages. It's amazing the strength that God can give us when we need it the most!

I had a talk with God the other day. I have been having an issue since my miscarriage. 2 days before my miscarriage my hormones took over and I was bawling my eyes out screaming "God PLEASE take care of my baby, don't let anything happen to my baby, keep my baby safe." I was absolutely distraught. People probably thought someone had died if they had seen me in my car. Well someone did, I just didn't know it yet... Anyways, since then I have had a hard time asking God for anything. My mother in law and I flew to Missouri in July and I wanted to ask God soooo bad to keep us safe, but I was so scared that if I did, that the exact opposite would happen. I have had a couple of other moments that I wanted to ask for something along those lines, but stopped because I was way to scared that it would jinx me. I hate feeling this way, so I asked God to please just put me at peace with that, and let me be able to trust myself to talk to Him again. I haven't felt as "lost" since that day.

I need help with a lot of things. I graduated from xray school in May and I need to take my registry exam but I am so scared. I have been to scared to do ANYTHING since my miscarriage. I am so afraid that I will fail. I am too scared of disappointment I guess? I don't know how to fix that at all. What do I pray for?

Do Dreams Really Come True?!

My mother always told me never tell a bad dream before breakfast or it will come true.

Well I have told 2 people this dream so far, and this blog will hopefully tell one bajillion more!

I had a dream I was pregnant again!

I have had a few of those in the past couple months, but this one was so real!! I dreamed I was walking around Nordstroms (NEVER been there! Don't even know how I know of that place) and it was a baby store and my husband and I were picking stuff out with another couple friend of ours who was pregnant with a boy. Hehehehe She's not even close to wanting to get pregnant, but I thought that was funny. Then I started cramping so we left. But I check my underwear (WEIRD HUH?!) and it was okay. So we went home. And I texted a couple friends and said "We are pregnant again! Pray that this one will work out!" Work out? Like it was a job offer or something? :)

So there is my dream. I'm telling it before breakfast so it will come true! Now that I have had the dream, I am in that "HAVE TO GET PREGNANT" state. I need to stop. There is nothing I can do about it. It will happen when it happens. I woke up this morning having major anxieties about old medical bills (migraine, CT, and miscarriage bill) and an old Target credit card and my husband's and my student loans. I'm thinking about doing a debt consolidation. But there was nothing I could do at 5am, but I was totally freaking out.

I think I need to start my Prozac up again.

My US (Part Two) & Other Musings

My doctor called me back this morning. YAAY! She said my pap in April, my bloodwork a few weeks ago, and my US yesterday all looked normal. She said that there was a tiny cyst on my right ovary, most likely from ovulating.

Hmm. Ovulating?

That would mean I ovulated on time... ME?!?!

But she said it was all okay so I would see her in October for my next pap.

Soooo.... I was happy until DUH I realized the reason we did all that was because of my crazy luteal phases. But if I ovulated on time this month then it's okay...

October is just 2 cycles away. I'll just sit back and do what I have been doing. I told my husband that our chances of concieving this month were probably thrown out the window because the Dr told me to have sex every 3rd day and we've been having sex, like 3 times a day... Not really 3. May be a slight exaggeration. But still. OR JUST MAY BE this month since I haven't been worrying about it, it will work out.

But if you conscientiously make an effort NOT to worry about it, does it count when I think about not worrying about it?

Something to think about...

As for non reproductive related news, I finished "Something Blue" last night. I read it in one day!! It was SO good! (Carrie- It gets much better, and so does Darcy!) I also "taught" in the nursery at VBS last night. And in "taught" I mean held a 3 month old baby and she feel asleep in my arms and I never put her down for 2 hours. I loved it. I really really wanted to just take her home with me. Her mother had PCOS and stopped trying and VA LA! Oops. That's reproductive related...

My US (Part One)

Sooooo I had my ultrasound today. It was weird. I had bloodwork a few weeks ago and the US tech said "So are you having a follow up with your doctor?" and I said "well I have a pap in October, and if everything is normal, I think we were just going to stick with that. I would think she would call me if my bloodwork and/or my US wasn't normal.... I don't know...." and she said "let me look at your chart..."

So she looked at my chart for a little while. It felt like forever. Was probably only 10 seconds... She said "Well I don't have your bloodwork (hmm she was reading SOMETHING) but I'll get a nurse to pull them up for you."

Ok. US began...

We talked. I'm an xray tech and have been thinking about US school.

Then afterwards she told me to get dressed and she would meet me outside. silly girl left my measurements on the screen, so I took the liberty of taking a picture of them with my blackberry so someone could tell me what was up with them hahaha. I'm bad, I know it.

So I went outside she was so adamant on getting my phone number. I asked her about my bloodwork and she said she would get my number and have someone call me. UMMM they SHOULD be in the chart you are holding and why can't a nurse tell me right now?? Sounds like something is up...? May be I just have an over-active imagination?? Idk... But anyways, she said "well your doctor is in today, so she'll call you." Why?

Anyways, here are my measurements. It says AVE which I guess is Average, and my scan and the AVE numbers are the exact same thing, but there are two more slots of 2 more scan measurements, so I'm pretty sure it's an average of my scans, not an average of women.

Anyone know what's normal? Anyone care to put me out of my anxiety misery and tell me if I should be worried or not? Sorry for the poor quality. Quick cell phone pics before anyone noticed I was taking a couple extra seconds so put my pants back on...

I've been sick the last few days. I was secretly wishing that my last AF was just a fluke (my mom had a period or 2 when preggers with me) and that I would have a 10 week old baby in there. No such luck I guess!!!

Okay. Retraction.

I am nervous.

Well the new friends are cool...

Hmm This blog began as an outlet to vent, but I think now it's turning into a place to prove MYSELF wrong, that YES TTC IS fun!

hahaha we will see. Today might just be a good day :) Christopher and I have been sitting in bed reading all day long. I finished "Something Borrowed" that I started Saturday (it was that good!) and started "Something Blue". He's reading "Treasure Island". Silly boy hehehe.

I'm loving all the comments I am getting. I didn't even realize that I HAD comments LOL! I have no idea why, but Kathy's comment about her November 30th EDD angel (same EDD as mine...) made me smile. Of course I am most definitely SO SORRY for her loss, but knowing that I DO have a baby, and she has something in common with someone else... It makes me happy. Weird I know...

Thursday night I drove with my MIL to Hilton Head (just a few hours from our house, and the beach and ocean were so much different! it was crazy!). She has had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn. She told me the story of her stillborn and it broke my heart. A month ago I asked her when she stopped being sad about her babies and she said 30+ years later she is still sad. She has been a huge help to me this last month, but I think she thinks I'm crazy ;). I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, which I believe is definitely true. I have no problem talking about my feelings, that's for sure.

I think people with blogs have to have that kind of personality LOL

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check for fibroids. My mother and my grandmother had them and my MIL as well. So I'm kinda nervous, but kinda not. I feel like I SHOULD be nervous, but I'm not. I don't know how I feel about it. I need to get the result of my bloodwork and my pap though, so don't let me forget ;)

oh wait.... it IS fun!!!

Soooo the doctor told me to only BD every 4th day and when I THINK I MIGHT be Oing, BD every 3rd day. Sperm live in your body for 5 days, so every 3rd day will get it. And you want enough to be potent and 3 days gives your man enough time to stock up. HA! Someone telling me to do one thing obviously has just done something to my BRAIN! IDK what it is, but I want it every minute of every day. We have DTD like 7 times in the last 9 days. It's ridiculous!!!! It's like I'm a dang teenager or something. You tell me not to do something, and dang you if I'm going to listen!!!

Honestly, I think it is the lack of stress. She told me to quit the OPTs and is running these tests on me so I will now if I am having a problem or not within the month. I think the weights lifted from my shoulders have just made a huge difference in ME. When I got pregnant the first time, we were just having FUN, kinda tinkering with the idea of trying to get pregnant. This month I don't even know what CD I'm on!!!! I'm not even using a ticker on my BBC board!!!

It's amazing what a little not worrying can do for your love life. And I will say this too, my DH is NOT backing up my doctor. He pretty much just lets me do as I please.... Men....

So why the title of the blog?

Well I hear all my friends say "OMG getting pregnant was sooo easyy!!!" I watch friend after friend get pregnant in a matter of the time it takes to tie a shoe. I'm sure a lot of people rolled their eyes at me when I was pregnant in a week.

Okay so. I got pregnant. That's supposedly half the battle right? I guess so.

So when I made the decision to TTC again (probably for the wrong reasons, but we'll get to that...) I figured HEY! Lots of people get pregnant INSTANTLY after a m/c! This will be CAKE!

Yeah. Until cycle 2 came 3 days early, cycle 3 came 5 days late at 11 days luteal phase and cycle 4 came 4 days late at 6!!! luteal days. Wow. My body isn't even giving my baby a dang chance to implant if she wanted to!!!

The stress of OPTs and luteal phases is just too much. And if I see one more stupid BFN I'll be ticked.

So this month I am just doing what the doctor ordered. Sex every 4th day. NO OPTs! And when I THINK I'm Ovulating, bump it up to every 3rd day.

I'm ready to not have TTC taking over my life. I have just come to realize that I am in no way shape or form over my miscarriage. Half of me wants to get pregnant NOW so I will be pregnant and happy on November 30th, my due date for my angel baby. It's going to be hard, and I think it will be harder without another miracle keeping my mind off of it...

I've met some amazing support on my BBC thread. I love those girls to pieces! I don't know WHAT I would have done without them! They have really helped me through this. We are all in the same boat. Miscarriages in the spring. Losing our Fall babies. Half of us are pregnant again (SOOO happy for them) and the other half is just trucking along. Half of that half are having fertility problems (I'm going to just throw myself in the category for sake of the conversation. I'm getting medical attention, so that is enough for me) and the other half is split into girls on break from yet another m/c, vacation, health insurance or piece of mind, and girls that just are getting AFs every month and just taking it in stride.

I would just throw myself into a category of most women. Takes up to a year to get pregnant. but with these short luteal phases, something is up. And I need some answers. STAT.

Really all I want in the world is to be 21 weeks pregnant. I have 3 girlfriends that found out they were pregnant the week I did. They just found out the sexes (1 boy, 2 girls) and are feeling their babies kick for the first time. Those are some lucky ladies right there. OH MY GOSH what I wouldn't give to have my baby back....

It's crazy how attached I felt in such a short time. That just proves the amazing love a woman has for her child. You never know it until you have it. I wish I could have it back.

My Introduction

Well here I am. Totally in awe of the amazingly huge world of infertile bloggers.

I'm Katie. I'm not infertile (that I know of) but I have been through a loss and now frustrating cycles while TTC again.

In December 07 or so I stopped taking BCPs because I was tired of them. My migraines and heart arrhythmias stopped. In February my husband and I decided to start not preventing getting pregnant.

There it was. A huge decision. Our lives would forever be changed.

One week later I realized I had missed my period. And 1 light line, 1 BFN, 2 BFPs and 3 days later, I was the happiest, and so I thought most fertile, woman in the entire world.

I had a glow. I was so incredibly happy. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I had MY BABY inside of me and I was going to love that thing more than anybody cold imagine. Heck, I already DID!

I had names picked out, had heartburn, nausea, and a plan for the nursery. I was on cloud nine with a bottle of TUMS. All in the matter of 4 days my life took this major huge change. Little did I know, that I was right. My life would never be the same again.

Saturday I woke up feeling kinda bad. I wasn't happy one little bit. I went to the bathroom and BAM. Bright red blood. And from that moment I KNEW it was over. I went over to my MILs house and she called my doctor for me. They just told me to rest. It was normal. Blah blah blah. But it wasn't. I was cramping, and I knew deep down it was allll over. A couple trips to the bathroom ended in bowls full of blood and clots. I went to the ER where one of the worst parts of the whole journey took place. The doctor said I was never pregnant. My levels couldn't possibly dropped so low in such a short time. He continued to talk and talk, but I heard nothing. My ears felt like they had cotton balls in them. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. All I knew was that it was over. my baby was dead, and from what he was saying, I was crazy. The nurse told me to stop crying, nothing bad had happened, and told my husband and mother to take me to get an ice cream sundae and I would be allll better.

I was sure I had lost my mind. One second I was cussing the doctor saying he had no idea what he was talking about. I KNEW I was pregnant before I even missed my period. I had this FEELING. I KNEW when I woke up that morning that I wasn't anymore. The next second I was sure I needed to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital, that I had wanted this baby so bad that I had a hysterical pregnancy and I had lost my mind.

When i got home I threw all my pregnancy books, ripped them to shreds, kicked over my husband's golf clubs and cried and cried. Then I got on the internet and looked up miscarriages, where I learned about Chemical Pregnancies. Where the baby is fertilized, but doesn't attach all the way. therefore, making enough HCG to produce a BFP but once expelled, the hormones go right on with it, explaining my negative pregnancy tests at the ER. I called my doctor back and she confirmed my findings. I felt at ease. I knew I wasn't that crazy. But then, oh wait, my baby was dead.

How could this happen to me? I was always a good girl! Sure I drank a little in high school. Who didn't? I didn't do drugs and I didn't have sex with lots of people. I got married young at 19 to a man whom I loved and loved me back. We had a rocky first couple years, and then became the greatest couple ever. We can make it through anything. He is my absolute rock. I had a great marriage to give to a child. I had a house with a nursery for my child. I had a college degree to pay for food for my child! My child had living wonderful grandparents. This baby would have everything she ever needed. May be if I got drunk and slept with a crack dealer and smoked my whole entire pregnancy I would have had a healthy baby. I don't know. And I never will.

All I know is that God has His plan. I don't necessarily agree with them all the time, but I have to just trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing.

So here I am. 4 months later. still absolutely devastated with the loss of this baby. I feel silly. I only carried her for 5 weeks. I've seen people on BBC carry their babies 40 weeks and lose them! But I loved that baby with all my heart. I was happier those few days then I have been my entire life. I had names and plans for this baby. And all in a couple of hours my dreams, hopes, and happiness came crashing down.

4 months later. Irregular cycles. 6 day luteal phases... What's a girl to do? I went to my doctor Monday and she did some blood work and I am having an US on August 4th to check for fibroids. She offered me some progesterone, but said it can increase chances for ectopic. I figured for my sanity I would hold off on that until the results came back.

So here is my story. And here will be my journey. Hopefully it will be short, but I know it will all be bittersweet.